That Birthday Card You Got From The Whole Office Is Bullshit

That Birthday Card You Got From The Whole Office Is Bullshit

My birthday was last Wednesday. Expecting nothing from my broker, I was shocked to see that I received a signed card from a good portion of the agents in my office. When I opened the card I noticed that a majority of my coworkers wrote similar wishes. Some were personal while most were generic. Naturally, I decided to analyze every single wish scribbled on the card and outline the hidden meaning of each one.

This is what I came up with:

“Happy Birthday”

This is like the “k” of birthday wishes. This person is basically saying, “Fuck You.” They did not even take the time to use my name, let alone any punctuation to signal a genuine birthday wish. This usually comes from someone in the office that is more important than you or someone that actually hates you.

“Happy birthday, hope all is well”

This birthday wish appeared multiple times on my card. “Hope all is well.” I sometimes sign off emails with this when I have nothing else to say. This person does not care if you are well or if you have a malignant tumor protruding from your face. Usually, you receive this type of wish on Facebook from a former acquaintance in high school that you have not spoken with in years. I do appreciate the extra fifteen seconds it took them to write “I hope all is well,” but they should know if I am well or not because I see them every single day.

“Happy birthday [insert name], make it count!”

This was the most common and most acceptable diction for my birthday wishes. It hides personal feelings and shows a little extra effort. It is the “safe wish.”

“Happy birthday! Let’s grab lunch soon on me!”

This is a kind gesture. I do appreciate the fact that you are willing to sacrifice an hour of your spare time to buy me some sushi. However, I would rather spend my one hour lunch break by myself. Now, every time I walk by this guy’s office, we have to have some fake conversation about our inevitable lunch date that we are both praying will never happen. For the past week, I have exited out the back of my office just to avoid this interaction.

“Get hammered tonight”

This guy thinks he’s hilarious and writes something like “get hammered” on your card. Creative? No. But, it stands out and should be more appreciated than a generic birthday wish.

The demeaning pet name: “Happy birthday, buddy.”

This person is trying to establish dominance on your birthday by calling you “buddy” or “pal.”

The follow-up thank you status on Facebook:

This was not written on my card. I just want people to understand that this is not necessary. “I wanted to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes today. I really do have the most caring family and friends in the world and couldn’t ask for better people in my life.” Was that necessary? This person wants to milk fifty more bullshit likes out of everyone and remind them once again that their birthday took place. Do not do this.

Image via Shutterstock

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What Everyone Is Thinking. But Nobody Is Saying.

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