Thanksgiving Traditions That Should Exist

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Thanksgiving is an underrated holiday. The food is fantastic and the family is in town, but there’s just not quite the same spirit involved as you see with other holidays. Hell, outside of football, you could probably argue that the most significant thing about Thanksgiving is that it signals the beginning of the Christmas season. That’s bullshit. Is Thanksgiving just going to sit around and stay complacent with being Christmas’s opening act? Let’s give Turkey Day some new, awesome traditions and give that fat fuck in the red knickers a run for his money.

  • Thanksgiving music. I want annoying jingles that couldn’t pass for music any other time of the year popping off on the radio 24/7. There should be songs about shit like turkeys, pilgrims, and the overconsumption of food.
  • Football viewing should be considered a sacred act, and as such, all other TV stations not broadcasting the games should either shut down or play the aforementioned Thanksgiving music on repeat.
  • Cranberry sauce wrestling contest in the backyard. Babes only.
  • There needs to be a Santa-like figure dressed as a Native American since they pretty much saved our asses. This character should leave presents in buckle shoes that hang from the fireplace the night before Thanksgiving–except all the presents are corn.
  • Backyard football. We do that already? Okay, awesome.
  • More Thanksgiving movies. I can think of Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving special, “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,” and…that’s it. Get on it, Hollywood. I get that you tried it with that shitty animated movie about turkeys last year, but just do better.
  • Chase a turkey. The week before, you go to a turkey farm and wrestle down your own bird with your bare hands. Then they take it, butcher it, and you bring it home.
  • Drinking games designed around how soon and for how long your grandfather sleeps in the recliner after the meal.
  • St. Patty’s has beer, Christmas has eggnog, New Year’s Eve has champagne. What is Thanksgiving’s official alcoholic beverage? Cranberry vodka? Go fuck yourself, Sheryl. I vote moonshine. It’s hardcore, totally American, and made from corn.
  • Everyone dresses as pilgrims for dinner. If it’s good enough for second graders, it’s good enough for everyone.
  • Spend the entire holiday pretending that it’s about something selfless and great (so, “thanks,” in this case) but make it about something shallow and meaningless. Christmas has blind consumerism. I vote Kardashians for this one. Turkey Kardashians. Whatever that means.
  • Pecan pie eating contests. That probably already exists in fatass Oklahoma, but I want it everywhere.
  • Invade Canada and take it over so those Canadians will shut the fuck up about their different Thanksgiving. That’s not really a tradition–it’s more of a one-time thing.
  • If you don’t have family, can’t afford to visit your family, or your family hates you, go to Vegas. The rest of us degenerates will be there, so it’ll be a good time.
  • Thanksgiving sweatpants. Christmas has shitty sweaters, so Turkey Day needs a pair of elastic dungarees that can expand with our gluttony.
  • What’s the opposite of elves? Giants? Orcs? Yeah, let’s have Thanksgiving orcs.
  • The whole family heads out to the backyard, attempts to plant crops, fails miserably, and then goes inside in defeat to celebrate that we have based a holiday around our forefathers’ inability to farm.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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