It’s the holidays. The holidays are hard. Well, they’re hard if you’re a whiny, self-centered bitch. If you’re a decent human being who believes emotions should be left off social media, and instead buried deep, deep down beneath an ocean of liquor, then the holidays are just an expensive vacation during which you’re spending none of your money on yourself, and instead of traveling to an exotic location, you’re going back to the town you first masturbated in.
Not everyone can have such a realistic view of the holidays though, so I’m going to help out the less fortunate, and by the less fortunate, I mean you people, not the actual less fortunate, because showing up to a homeless shelter drunk is against the rules, even though a lot of the homeless people there are way drunker. So, here’s some advice on how to survive the holidays, some advice no one else has the balls to give you.
Buy Your Most Obnoxiously Successful Friend/Acquaintance As Many Drinks As Possible
I know what you’re thinking, “Buy this asshole a drink? I want this pompous douche to die like that Chinese guy in The Dark Knight.” Yes, I know, we’d all like to watch this dickhead burn to death on a pile of his own money, but murder is
rarely never the answer, so try this instead. When you see this bastard out the night before Thanksgiving, talking to anyone at the bar who is unfortunate enough to listen about his job and his apartment and some billionaire he had a forty second conversation with that the billionaire could not have given less of a crap about, buy him a shot. Buy him a strong shot. Then, buy him five more, all under the pretense of congratulations for his super successful life. He’s so arrogant that he’ll accept without question.
Why buy this asshat so many drinks? To turn him into a blackout drunk clown and strip him of all his esteem in front of the people he’s trying to impress. No amount of money can buy you an alcohol tolerance. Well, unless you use that money to buy alcohol. However, this guy’s been spending so much time working and being successful that he’s likely lost a few steps, drinking-wise. Unlike you, who comes home everyday from work and dives into a bottle of wine/whiskey/Old English High Gravity. After four shots of Rumple Minze and a few double G&Ts, this guy is going to be down for the count. The only words he’ll be able to muster to the ten he was hitting on prior to your devious waterfall are, “Yer bewbs my peen home now?” And there’s an 80% chance that won’t work on her. After he passes out in the corner, drunk and exhausted from vomiting all over his $600 shoes, people won’t be saying, “Look how successful so and so has become.” Instead they’ll say things like, “Wow, he must lead a really lonely life…he’s clearly got some demons,” or, “I guess money can’t buy class,” or better still, “Let’s steal his phone, take a picture of him like this, and make it his LinkedIn profile picture.”
Make The Rest Of Your Family Look Bad
You probably won’t be able to accomplish this by flaunting your own successes, mostly due to a lack of general success. Instead, you’ll have to settle for making them look awful to mask your own personal and professional failures. You can’t just spring wild accusations on the rest of your family, however. Do what the Pilgrims weren’t able to and plant seeds. Compliment your sister on how thin she looks all day. Ask if she’s lost weight, what she’s been doing, etc. Make a big show of it, and be sure to include your parents. When your perplexed but flattered sister replies, “Uh, nothing,” give a suspicious, “Hmmm,” and drop it. Make sure all of this happens around family members. Then, after dinner, yack in the bathroom and wait for someone to discover the mess. Nothing makes parents forget about massive credit card debt like bulimia.
If you have a brother, spend the evening telling him how “brave” he is, with no explanation why. Every time he shoots you a confused look, say “Oops, sorry,” and then make the zipper and lock gesture across your lips. Meanwhile, you will have re-labeled a box of condoms something like “Mega Gay Condoms” and left it out in his room for your parents to discover.
It needs to look convincing, so be sure to have a working knowledge of Photoshop. If you don’t have at least a working knowledge of Photoshop, do you even blackmail? The point is, if your parents are asking your brother questions about his sex life, they won’t be asking you about why you missed a student loan payment but still found the funds to spend five days in New Orleans. In case your brother ultimately convinces your parents that he isn’t gay, have a condom filled with powdered sugar and tied off at the end ready to expose. The fact that someone else in your family is even forced to have the “I’m not smuggling drugs up my ass” conversation means you aren’t the one who lost the holiday.
While Everyone Is Fighting Over Classic Leftovers, Take The Pan Drippings
Only suckers take home turkey. Idiots take home pie. Most of what you eat on Thanksgiving is available year round at your grocery store. You know what isn’t? Delicious, artery clogging, ass-fattening homemade gravy. While the rest of your family is fighting over white meat and pumpkin pie, shamelessly dump all the turkey pan drippings into a Tupperware container and laugh the entire way home with the knowledge that you’ll be smothering all your meals in gravy for the next week.
I’m telling you, pan drippings. If you’re flying home and aren’t allowed to take that much liquid with you, pour it in one of your brother’s Mega Gay Condoms and smuggle it up your ass. Pan drippings are liquid gold.