Teenagers Are Still The Worst

Teenagers Are Still The Worst

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I’m not that old. Sure, I complain about aging stalking me like a trenchcoat-wearing public masturbator at a shopping mall, but deep down I’m still comfortable that I’ve got some youth left. Postgrad life and fatherhood have aged me a bit, but I’m not a, “Get off my lawn, where are my prunes” old man just yet.

While I’m holding my own in the adult world, I haven’t exactly fully bought in yet. There is one thing, however, that I can finally jump on the bandwagon with other finely aged adults and agree with: I fucking hate teenagers.

Yeah, I’m well aware that I’m practically as close to being a teenager as I am to being in my thirties. Doesn’t matter. Something changes in a person when they’ve reached a certain age. Call it nature, call it instinct, or call it common sense. Whatever it is, I’m seeing the light that I regretfully didn’t see during my teen years. Teenagers are the worst human beings on the planet.

I hate their smug perceived invincibility. The kid across the street from me just got his driver’s license and now drives his speeding metal death machine like he took drivers ed by watching Fast And The Furious and Mad Max: Fury Road on repeat. Hey, asshole, there are kids in this neighborhood, be careful. And also, asshole, I’m bitter that you still have that invincible complex and I think my body is about to shut down every time I feel a new ache or pain, so quit rubbing it in my face.

I also absolutely despise what these shitbags think is “cool.” Whenever you shudder knowing that the career, “Vine Star,” is a thing, blame those hormone driven monsters staring into the depths of their smartphones 24/7. Sweet apps, bro. Back in my day, we had flip phones, and they were awesome. Get some Moto Razr in your life and then tell me what’s cool. I often ask myself why so much shitty music hits the radio nowadays. It’s because these damn teenagers love listening to pure shit. Thanks for One Direction and Iggy Azalea, guys.

I’ve had my moments of being loud and obnoxious. But teenagers, Christ, those damn kids are loud everywhere, and every new thing that comes out of their stupid mouths is dumber than the last. Teens think they know absolutely everything, and they want everyone within a 10-mile radius to know it. Now I’m not going to say I’ve become a genius since my teen years; I’ve got some more experience of course, but that’s not what makes most adults less obnoxious. It’s that we’ve finally realized that our intelligence has limits, and understand that it’s not prudent to scream every idiotic thought that crosses our brain. Teenagers in their normal state of conversation are essentially every adult after 6 hours of drinking Fireball.

But, if we’re really being honest, one of the biggest reasons I hate them is because I feel just a bit of envy because of all the shittiness I just detailed that they get to shamelessly display. Teenagers are allowed to be shitty human beings, to a certain extent. They’re still, “figuring things out,” and haven’t had the college experience yet to mold them into the adult they’ll have to become just like the rest of us. Fuck those stupid kids for their obnoxious opinions and their horrifying taste in music. To hell with them for thinking they rule the world and that everything they enjoy is actually a legitimately cool thing. But I’ll be damned if that wouldn’t be nice sometimes. Not saying I’d go back to being my 16 year old self, because that kid sucked pretty bad, but I wouldn’t say no to having that ignorant naïve swagger that kid had from time to time.

Dealing with these youthful jackasses only gets tougher the further removed you get from your own high school heyday. It’s not an easy pill to swallow to share roads and public places with these menaces, but just bite your lip and deal with it, because you were there once too. Besides, next time a teenager does something that drives you insane, just look at them and smile. You know that miserable punk is due for their own set of postgrad problems a decade from now.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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