Survival Of The Fittest: Office Darwinism


Darwin Day, February 12th, a celebration to highlight Charles Darwin’s contribution to science. My favorite contribution is his theory, Darwinism, more commonly known as “survival of the fittest.” Here’s a list of how your office exhibits Darwinism. But, somehow, these people still work here.

1. That person who can’t use the printer.

Modern day offices have a printer/scanner/fax/copier combination. My office has a Ricoh Transformer P90X Report Destroyer. I used to be an intern, so I learned to tame this beast. But there will be one person who cannot and will not learn. You hear them whine down the hall, “How do I make a color copy?” So you go to help, like the good coworker you are, and then the task gets 100 times more complicated. “I need 13.5 copies collated, double sided and stapled. Half black and white and half in color.”


2. Upper level management who cannot use Microsoft software.

How many times have I had to edit a sales guy’s PowerPoint this week? Too many.

3. Upper level management who cannot Google.

How many times have I simply googled a question and then looked like a genius? Too many.

4. Whoever the sneaky bastard is who makes the coffee.

The phantom coffee maker never writes down when the coffee was made. That stale taste never leaves my mouth.

5. Whoever steals your stuff from the printer.

The phantom report taker. Now I can fake being busy twice. Thanks!

6. The person who thinks they can get away with going on social media.

Your boss is right behind you, and I can’t believe your cousin went to the 7-11 again to get another Diet Coke.

7. That coworker who never picks up their phone.

You call randomly throughout the day, and that person does not pick up. Ever. They’re on the company IM, so they are at their desk. Is it you, not them? Are they really focusing on their career right now? Who knows .

8. That coworker who has a megaphone for vocal cords.

Thought that guy in marketing was talking in the hallway outside my door yesterday. Turns out he was in a conference room a few doors down. Our rival companies could probably stand outside the office building taking notes.

9. That guy who always sighs, and then ruffles his hair, but never gets anything done.

You do not sound busy or frustrated from all the work you do. You sound like a horse and look dumb. Give me that Excel sheet so I can put together this PowerPoint for that sales guy who doesn’t know how to use Microsoft software.

10. That coworker that’s always walking around but never at their desk.

We all know the “carry a clipboard to look busy” trick. Sit down and give me that TPS report.

11. That coworker who talks…a lot.

I’ve actually learned a lot from this guy. Nothing I used ever again, but who wants to work when its 3pm anyway?

12. The postgrad.

Yeah, we’re on this list. We actually still don’t know what our job is. We look busy enough, and make decent small talk. At least we can use the printer, Google, use Microsoft software and know to open Reddit in incognito mode.

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Living life in Florida as a 21 year old, and selling private aircraft's as a career seems fabulous but everything is a post grad problem.

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