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You probably opened this article for one of two reasons: either you completely agree or you think I’m a total dumbass. If you’re the former, nice to meet you. If you’re the latter, bite me.
Summer sucks. Summer absolutely sucks a slimy gorilla cock. It’s hot, it’s muggy, it’s miserable. You sweat everywhere you go, you’re constantly in search of a pool or a building with some A/C, and it storms every day. Summer is totally overrated.
I understand that a lot of great things happen during the summer. You can hit the pool whenever, you can spend a a weekend at the lake or at the beach (gross), and you can go to a baseball game. There’s always a cookout or an outdoor gathering, and everyone’s wearing less clothing. I get that. I get all of it. I can agree that summer can be a lot of fun, but it is so damn overrated.
People only go to the pool to cool down because it’s so hot out. Once you actually find a pool to go to, it’s full of screaming kids and moms that are more worried about throwing a pic of their toddler with a popsicle on Instagram than making sure he’s not about to fall in the pool and drown. I’m calling out anyone reading this that doesn’t pay attention to their kids in public: get your shit together. Going on a trip to the lake or beach can get expensive as hell because all the prices skyrocket in the summer. Baseball games are a lot of fun — minus the swamp-ass, the obnoxious woman sitting behind you, and the $50 you spend on some food and beer. Cookouts are great until you run into someone you don’t want to see, realize that the food sucks, come to terms with the fact there’s no pool. Swimsuits are great, but say hello to the 15 or 20 pounds you’ve put on recently in the wrong places.
You can’t get anything done at work because everyone is on vacation all the time. I get more automatic replies in the summer than actual replies. The myth spreads that traffic is lighter in the summer, but you find your commute even worse due to all the paving and construction going down. If you work in construction then you really understand the worst part of summer: heat.
It’s in the 90s every day. That’s not nice weather. Most people keep their house in the low 70s, right? So why on earth would you enjoy spending hours in a literal sauna? Not to mention the sun beaming down on you, which for some people will turn into a nice tan but for many others will turn into sunburn, itching, and countless jokes at work. Your seatbelt, steering wheel, console, seats, and door handle can give you third-degree burns at any time. The majority of people just stay inside unless they absolutely have to go outside and interact with other humans or maybe catch Pokemon.
“Yo you wanna go get some food?”
“Can’t we just order delivery? It’s hotter than Satan’s ballsack out there.”
“You right you right.”
Why does our society revolve around summer? You spend the entire school year waiting for summer. People act like the only time you can vacation is in the summer. Radio, TV, and the Internet promote the hell out of summer. Give me fall, full of football, tailgates, hunting, and vineyards. Give me winter, full of family visits, bomb holidays, and more football plus college basketball. Give me spring, full of March Madness, sundresses returning, good fishing, and raises at work. Summer? Nah, don’t give me that.
May is dope. June is okay. July and August can lick my left nut. Summer is completely overrated..