You know, boss, I’ve been thinking. I know that’s not what you pay me to do, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Honest! I mean, my meds are starting to kick in, but that’s beside the point. At any rate, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but morale around here could use a little jolt, and I think the break room is just the place to begin. Since I’m sure there’s some regulation against us considering the bar down the street the official break room, and in an obvious ploy to gain favor and display a false sense of initiative, I’ve come up with a list of suggestions that would improve the break room, morale, and ultimately productivity.
Let’s begin with the coffee maker. Free coffee is fantastic-ish. Okay, it sorta sucks. The pre-measured baggies of 5-year-old stale coffee grounds don’t exactly taste like heaven in a cup after they’ve been run through an industrial Bunn brewer. I’d say let’s upgrade to one of those self-contained, all-inclusive latte machines. They allow you to make a killer Venti non-fat soy latte in a matter of about 5 minutes from start to finish! Do they sell Bailey’s in the little creamer cups? I’ll look into it.
Next, let’s move on to the furniture. Standard round tables that seat 5 comfortably, 4 at the one where Bertha-the-secretary sits, with those uncomfortable plastic chairs circa 1976. Booooring! Can we at least get a sofa or two in here? Some bean bags at least? I mean, I hear rumors that every ladies’ room includes a couch since they claim they need it for their lady reasons! Well, my big man self threw out my big man back and hurt my big man muscles doing big man stuff this weekend. Yeah, I’m talking about THOSE man muscles. I want my man couch. Don’t make me claim gender inequality and have a chat with the oddly effeminate gentleman down in HR.
Next, the beverage machines. I agree that we should keep the basics, Coke, Sprite, Pepsi, Mt. Dew, Diet Coke, etc., but Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper? Fresca? People still drink that shit? Come on, you and I both know this place would be a whole lot more friendly if you nixed the machine with all the crap in it and threw in some Bud Light, Miller Light, and a couple more varieties. I’m just talking about the basics here, man! Nothing too extravagant. In fact, if we got maintenance up here, we could totally rig a couple of the slots to toss out those airplane sized bottles of Chardonnay and Merlot for the ladies. Liquor would be a definite no-no. I mean, we wouldn’t want to get unprofessional or anything. Well, maybe a G&T or an Irish Coffee for the Friday Status Meeting, but that’s all! Not a full bar, strictly the necessities to take the edge off.
Last, the coup de grace: the vending machine. I understand the company “wellness” initiative wants us all to be healthy and fit and whatever. But I’ll be honest, if it says “reduced fat,” “reduced sodium,” or “heart healthy,” it may as well say “tastes like ass-flavored cardboard.” I’ve seen you walk out of here with your Doritos, Cheez-Its, and garlic pretzel nuggets. Whatever, we’ve gotta keep the big-wigs happy somehow don’t we? Fine, keep all the health food shit. Here’s the real improvement: ditch the little things of Lifesavers and Juicy Fruit that no one ever buys – what we really need is a candy machine that dispenses Valium, Xanax, Vyvanse, and Ritalin. Everybody gets what he or she needs to function like a normal human being again! Everybody wins!
So what do you say? Go for it? I knew you would! Wait, why are you calling security? Oh! I bet it’s to get them to help move some of the heavy stuff! Good call. I’ll wait. What with my injured man back and all…