Okay, no need for a big meaty intro here so let’s just get right into this because it is too important: You guys aren’t fucking as much as your parents did at your age. Let that soak in for a second, as you sit alone in your cubicle eating a lukewarm HotPocket, before we continue.
Are we good? Okay, great.
A study published in The Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at the sexual behavior of 33,000 young adults and determined that millennials will have, on average, eight partners during their lifetime — while their parents will average between 10 and 12. Other recent studies found that 49 percent (which, if my estimates are correct, is almost half) of young adults haven’t had sex in the past year and that one in three millennials has never had sex at all.
TIME Magazine, a media company that also doesn’t do as much now as it did when your parents were your age, has all the details on why you guys aren’t getting fucked this year:
But if millennials are going to keep sowing their wild oats into middle age, another recent study suggests they’ll need to up their game: less than 7% of 20-somethings have sex 2-5 times per week, according to data from online dating service Match, and 49% of people in their 20s have not had sex at all in the past year.
Even more shocking? The study says one in three 20-somethings have never had sex at all. “You’d think they’d be focused on sleeping around, but really what they’re focused on is getting ahead,” explains Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University and Chief Scientific Advisor for Match. “In their 20s I think they’re working very hard. There’s something to be said for the fact that they may be taking relationships and commitment more seriously.”
TIME also drums up a number of excuses for sexless millennials to fall back on when the Zoloft isn’t enough.
“Oh, millennials work too hard. They are too driven and focused for sex.”
“Millennials are too cautious about sleeping around, they witnessed what happened in the HIV/AIDS generation.”
This is bullshit. If sex, which feels awesome and is great, (I know, because I’ve had it. A lot. I am good at sex. I promise. No need to verify, just trust me.) isn’t the driving force behind everything millennials do, then what the fuck is the point of waking up every day at 7 a.m., spending eight hours mindlessly entering data-points onto spreadsheets in our cubicles, slowly filling our bodies with rancid chemicals and repeating the same process for the next 50 years at best — if cancer or Lou Gehrig’s disease doesn’t take us out before then?
Are you, TIME Magazine, telling me that it isn’t going to get better? That eight is most likely going to be “My Number”?
Not so, TIME. This is my call to action for all millennials who haven’t been fucking in 2015: Come on. This is the prime of your life and you should be having sex at least four or five times a month — minimum. If you haven’t had sex this year, or ever, here is what you’re going to do. Download Tinder (I know it’s weird, but it’s even weirder that you aren’t having sex), swipe right on every single girl/guy in your area and share this study with them. Find out if they are in the 49 percent of horny adults who just haven’t closed this year. After that, invite them over, buy a $12.99 bottle of Pinot Noir, rent a good movie and perform the deed. Please, for the love of God people, have some sex. How can the next generation respect millennials if millennials have no reason to respect themselves?
Let’s see if the study aligns with our audience:
Vote honestly. Maybe the study is wrong, or maybe we just want so badly for it to be wrong that we are too blinded to see the truth.
It’s time for millennials to start having more sex. This is my hill to die on. Join me..
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