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There’s nothing worse than inauthenticity. While those of us who write for the Internet tend to take absurd stands every now and then for the sake of the content grind (see: straws) nothing personally insults me more than someone who fakes it. You see it all the time in the world of live comedy. When a comedian commits to an “act” or “persona” that doesn’t align with at least a version of who they really are, it’s essentially a betrayal of the audience’s trust. Because while the primary reason most people come to this website, listen to an episode of a podcast or attend a live comedy show is to be entertained, the underlying secondary reason is they seek something they identify with. Comedy = truth.
So it’s time for me to speak in some infallible truths: going to the dentist is not bad.
Stop pretending to be a five-year-old every time you have to go. Here’s the entire dentist trip in a nutshell. You walk in with six to twelve months of plaque and stains on your teeth, depending on how much of a psycho you are. You walk out with your mouth looking and feeling like a million bucks.
Sure, the dental hygienist probably chastises you for not flossing more.
Or maybe you have to get an X-ray taken. Before you bitch and moan about having to breathe through your nose with a piece of wood in your mouth, remember it’s because they’re double checking there’s no structural damage to your FACE. (I’d like to point out that a lesser writer would have made a blowjob joke here but I’m better than that.)
The dentist is probably going to ask a few light-hearted questions while they have their hands in your mouth. They know you can’t answer but a confirming grunt or slight head tilt is enough to answer 90% of the questions they could possibly ask. Plus at the end of the appointment, your teeth get a polish! You can have the most vile gingivitis rankled chompers in town and they’re still going to put on a coat of polish like they’re a brand new Ferrari. The polish tastes good too, like peppermint schnapps.
Adults who whine about having to go to the dentist, explain yourselves. Of course, you’re entitled to your own opinion but like I said in the last sentence, you’re also an adult. You don’t have to love the dentist. Nobody loves going to the gym or loves getting a physical but they’re essential and important.
You don’t like the feeling of metal tools scraping your molars? Have you ever eaten with a fork before or used a toothpick? “But the sound, JR! I can’t stand that sound of the instruments against my teeth.” Does anybody like the sound of anything in their mouth?
Here’s an experiment: walk up to your significant other or close friend, ask them to open their mouth and then scream into it. Accept the fact that it’s an annoying ten minutes and move on with your life. Has the office a floor above you ever had construction being done to it for weeks on end? If you’ve survived that then you’re braver than every single pathetic whining idiot who complains about how traumatic the dentist is.
If I could, I would go to the dentist once a month no questions asked. In fact, from here on out I’m happy to go on any dentist appointments on other people’s behalf. So the next time you open your mail and see that faux birthday card from your local DDS, slide it my way. .
This week on Don’t Take It From Us, Jenna’s back from Europe and I go into more detail about my engagement! We grade two Bumble profiles, tackle a new Love in the Headlines and talk about different Boston accents in our favorite films. Next week we’ll be joined by the third leg of the Touching Base tripod Dillon Cheverere! Please don’t forget to leave us a 5-Star Review on iTunes. The funniest 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!
Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!
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