Stop Office Social Movements

Stop Office Social Movements

A lucky few of us are born with the smarts and drive to end up at great companies like Google, or Salesforce. The rest of us will spend the next 45 years slouching our way through entry level and middle management positions. Through our pain and suffering, there will always be one person there that feeds off of our despair and organizes social movements in a misguided effort to improve the workplace.

These social movements can range from health tips to full blown morning yoga sessions. You might be thinking these don’t sound so bad, but, in reality, they’ll end up being another minor inconvenience to deal with each day. Your best defense is to be prepared for what’s coming, so know the common office social movements and why you should avoid them.

The Biggest Loser Competition:

The one perk to this movement is that there’s now a socially acceptable way to tell your coworkers they’re all a bunch of ham-beasts. Nobody likes being overweight, but our sedentary lifestyles make it a fact of life. While everyone would prefer accepting their collective obesity, or blaming it on a made up thyroid problem, the office activist will push to make it a competition to see who has the best tolerance for starvation.

There are major downsides that come with this competition. First, all of the large employees will start talking to you about their fitbit. When did counting steps become a widely accepted form of exercise? The 2,000 steps you took to Dunkin’ and back aren’t going to compensate for your weird ranch dressing obsession. You’re not fooling anyone by announcing your new found ability to walk, We’ve seen you in the break room. Every time a coffee cake gets set out it’s like feeding time at the zoo.

Also, healthy food is expensive. Your C-level colleagues lunch might look something like this:

∙Grilled Chicken – 300 calories
∙Quinoa Medley – 150 calories
∙Steamed Sweet Potato – 100 calories

Your comparable low cal lunch will probably look more like this:

∙Ramen Noodles – 380 calories
∙Bag of Doritos – 150 calories
∙Diet Coke – 0 Calories – nice one

The good news is you’ll literally be shedding weight as your hair falls out from malnutrition.

Going Green:

I like the earth as much as the next guy. I’d prefer my kids to not have to live on a train circling the planet. However, I’m not buying into my company’s half-assed “Go Green” Campaign. I witnessed our CEO punch seagull at our company picnic. My company doesn’t build things or help people, but rather exists for the sole purpose of generating revenue. The best thing we could possibly do for the environment is to not exist.

Also, if the company really cared about the environment, they wouldn’t have rented an office building in a city only 10% of the employees can afford to reside in. I commute an hour each way every day, pumping carbon emissions into the sky. Starting a recycling program isn’t going to offset the fact that we go through a tree’s worth of paper each day just to post internal memos around the office. What it will do is add another garbage can to your already cramped cubicle.

Community Service:

I went through 4 years of college specifically so I wouldn’t need to brave the elements each day. I took out $70,000 in student loans so for the privilege of sitting behind a desk and burning my eyes with an LED screen for 50 hours a week. I do it all so that I can kick back on the weekend and spend all the money I just earned on beer and deep dish pizza. Why would I give up one of my precious weekends to help clean a highway or build a single family home outside?

I’m all for charity, but could we just make it a financial donation? At least then nobody would expect my broke ass to contribute.

Don’t drink the Kool-aid folks. Your life isn’t going to suddenly get better because of some office social movement. Real self improvement takes hard work, and you’re better off not stirring the pot. Accept your life the way it is, and end office social movements.

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Smiling and dialing, I'm the Icky Woods of cold calls.

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