Stop Asking Me To Set You Up With My Friends

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There’s plenty to complain about in the world of dating. It’s hard. It really is. Always has been. However, in our modern times with endless dating tools like Tinder, infinite dating websites and the embracement of hookup culture, dating has never been easier. That said, there’s still something that plagues the convoluted game of love. It’s you asking me to set you up with one of my friends. Men and women are both equally at fault. It’s quite a simple explanation.

It’s Not My Job To Make You Happy

You are my friend and I enjoy your company. However, it is not up to me to determine your happiness. I can certainly help you achieve happiness, but I can’t do it for you. The heavy lifting is up to you. As your friend, I can advise you on who you should date, but I can’t do it for you. Who you date/fuck/use for free food is your business and it’s just flat out not my responsibility to hold your hand while you navigate the troubled waters of passion.

You Are An Adult

So, you think one of my friends is cute? Great. Go up to him and introduce yourself. You already have an icebreaker. Do I work with them? Ask them how they like their job. Everyone loves talking about their job. Did I go to college with them? Ask them what I was like when I was in college. Everyone loves telling stories from college. You are a grown-up. Chug down your vodka-soda, muster up some courage and get the show on the road. You have plenty of experience in the game. Put it to good use.

I Don’t Shit Where I Eat

Coming from someone who has dated a coworker in the past, I know this is absolutely hypocritical, but I’m not about to sacrifice the fantastic network of friends I’ve built throughout my life on a relationship that may or may not (but more than likely) go down in a blaze of passive aggressive posts on social media. If it works out between you two, then that’s fantastic. However, we both know that statistically, this relationship isn’t going past more than a few dates. In which case, I’m left with an asshole who “fucked her over” or some bitch who “wouldn’t put out.” You’ve driven a stake into the heart of my social life and now I’m forced to take sides. I’m not going to play matchmaker when I know damn good and well how this is going to end.

It’s Fucking Annoying And I Know Better

To close this all out and summarize, this bugs the everloving shit out of me and I’ve seen too many relationships between mutual friends end in tears, splitting my friends into #TeamGirlWhoCriedOnDateNumberTwo and #TeamBoyWithCommitmentIssues factions, effectively making me look like the asshole who failed at making love happen. My life is complicated enough as it is. I don’t need two desperate people fucking it all up for me. Plus, have you ever thought I have enough trouble on my hands with my own romantic life? Make it happen for yourself. I’m tired.

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