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Spread ‘Em Wide: NFL Week 7 Picks From A Mediocre Degenerate

Dick Perry

I’m making these picks as I can feel a cold coming on; sore throat, fatigue, don’t even feel like cracking stick tonight if we’re being honest. I can’t tell whether or not that’s a good thing; brain might be playing tricks on how I see the games. Last week I kicked the juice on the spreads at 6-6. Totals were a complete nightmare at 4-8. Some true fade fuel for this week. Very pedestrian, and I demand more of myself, so I can give it back to you, the people.

Off to a hot start on Thursday! Not.

0-2. Fuck me sideways with a rusty trombone. Anyway, let’s salsa.

All lines are from mybookie.ag Use the promo code “BACKDOOR” for a hundo p signing bonus when you sign up. Hopefully, we can get a promo code “Boston Max” real soon.

TITANS (-5.5) AT BROWNS; 45.5

The Flyin’ Hawaiin Marcus Mariota has a hamstring issue but it didn’t seem to limit him last week against the Colts. More passing in the pocket, less moving outside of it. Cleveland is trash against the pass, but for everything they do poorly, they’re tough to run the ball against. Meanwhile, Cleveland doesn’t know how to score. So, everything in me leans Titans, but since I’ve been so middle of the road the last few weeks, I’m going to pull a Costanza and do the opposite.

Picks: Browns +5.5; Under 45.5

JAGUARS (-3) AT COLTS; 43.5

The public is all over Jacksonville. And when the home dog is getting no public love, I usually jump allll over it. But you know what? Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care. Indy stinks. The Jags have a great pass defense, so Indy will have to get the run game going if they want to control the game. I just can’t see it happening.

Picks: Jags -3; Over 43.5

RAVENS AT VIKINGS (-5.5); 39

Minnesota ruined the Packers’s season last week by breaking Aaron Rodgers’s collar bone, so they can just pack up and go home. Mission accomplished. The Ravens have just not played well this season. Kind of streaky at times, but overall just not strong. But it’s soooo Ravens for them to play well on the road in a game where nobody is even considering giving them a shot to win, So Flacco. So elite.

Picks: Ravens +5.5; Over 39

JETS AT DOLPHINS (-3); 38

This game is a gross match-up between two gross teams. It’s like watching two of the ugliest people you’ve ever seen go at it at the bar. It’s such a train wreck. This game might actually end in a tie! The Jets lost a heart breaker at home versus New England. Maybe that finally puts them in full tank mode?

Picks: Dolphins -3; Over 38

BUCCANEERS AT BILLS (-3)

Famous Jameis the crab leg killer thief might not play. If Ryan Fitzmagic (he went to Harvard! He’s wicked smaht!) has to start on the road against a great Buffalo defense? Good fucking luck buddy.

Picks: Bills -3; no total posted at time of writing

PANTHERS (-3) AT BEARS; 40.5

Looks like it’s gonna rain in Chicago on Sunday. I couldn’t find any stats on how Cam Newton performs in the rain, but I did find a video of him dancing in the ran at practice. But anyway, very impressed by the Bears under Trubisky the last two weeks.

Picks: Bears +3; Under 40.5

SAINTS (-4); AT PACKERS; 47.5

New Orleans has been hot. They’ve won three straight and they’ve done so in relatively impressive fashion. They’re heading into Lambeau to face Brett Favre Hundley. Don’t know much about him other than I constantly lost money betting on him when he was the starter at UCLA. Why stop now, right?

Picks: Packers +4; Over 47.5

CARDINALS AT RAMS (-3.5); 46

This game’s in London so the Rams don’t actually have home field advantage, although to be fair, they might have a better home field advantage in London than they do in their new home of Los Angeles. I can’t see Adrian Peterson having another transcendental game two weeks in a row, and if Arizona wants to win, they need to control the game on the ground.

Picks: Rams -3.5; Under 46

COWBOYS (-6) AT 49ERS; 47

Can someone explain to me how Zeke keeps losing in court yet keeps playing? How many appeals this guy gonna get? Anyway, San Fran is terrible, we know this. And Dallas has lost their last two so they’ve got to be hungry. Plus, who’s starting for San Fran at QB, CJ Beathard? Isn’t he the former Iowa QB who couldn’t throw downfield?

Picks: Cowboys -6; Under 47

BENGALS AT STEELERS (-5.5); 40.5

These AFC North games are always a bloodbath. Hard-nosed, grind ’em out football. And while I do like the dogs in these type of games, Pittsburgh is getting no public love, even after going into KC and winning, which I find unusual. Both teams have elite defenses, hence the low total. Something tells me we get a break-out game from some of Pittsburgh’s weapons.

Picks: Steelers -5.5; Over 40.5

SEAHAWKS (-4.5) AT GIANTS; 40

The NFL is weird, man. The Giants lose their whole offense to injury, down their top corner, yet beat up on the Broncos last week. You. Can’t. Script. Sports. And that’s why we watch. I like Seattle off their bye week, but I also like the Giants to build off their win last week. Going to be a fun, close game.

Picks: Giants +4.5; Over 40

BRONCOS (-pk) AT CHARGERS; 40.5

Speaking of the Broncos shitting the bed last week, you’ve got to think they just took the Giants lightly. Well, now they go into San Diego I mean Los Angeles for a division battle. Can I see the Broncos losing? Sure, it’s the NFL. Do I think they will win? Yes. Am I still betting the Chargers? Yeah. Here’s why: The line opened Broncos -2, yet it’s been bet down to a pick ’em, although I’m getting Broncos -1 right now. So, with the line moving in favor of Denver, you’d think that people were betting the Bolts. Yet, Denver is getting most of the public bets. So I’m just fading joe public here.

Picks: Chargers pk; Over 40.5

FALCONS AT PATRIOTS (-3); 56.5

The public is on Atlanta as road dogs in Foxborough. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Picks: Patriots -3; Under 56.5

REDSKINS AT EAGLES (-4.5); 49

Philly looks goooood. Carson Wentz, that Seth Rogen looking motherfuckah, looks goooood. Like, for as good as I look in athleisure, Carson Wentz looks better playing quarterback in the NFL right now. They’re tough to bet against right now.

Picks: Eagles -4.5; Under 49

LAST WEEK
ATS: 6-6
Totals: 4-8

SEASON
ATS: 48-38-3
Totals: 44-41-1

As always, follow me on Twitter to get the Thursday night picks, and on Instagram to support my #brand. Also, if you don’t know how to gamble but want to get into the game, shoot me a DM (they’re always open) and I’ll help you out.

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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