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Spread ‘Em Wide: NFL Week 3 Picks From A Mediocre Degenerate

Spread ‘Em Wide: NFL Week 3 Picks From A Mediocre Degenerate

Daddy was hotttt against the spread last week, and for the point spread and the total we’re hitting at an impressive 56.67% through two weeks. That’s tout status! Y’all should be paying Boston’s Boy for his picks. But seeing as how I’m such a nice guy and destined to somehow finish this season losing piles of Scrooge McDuck money, I’ll keep giving you my picks for free.

Quick Shana Tova to my Hebrews and Shebrews, and away we gooooooo. As always, find my lightning hot Thursday Night Football picks on the Twitter machine….

Damn. I knew the public was on the under which is usually an auto-fade for me, but I really didn’t think these teams could move the ball on a short week. ‘Tevs. 5-1 on Thursday night games. We’re on to Sunday.

Let’s cha-cha.

RAVENS (-3.5) AT JAGUARS; 39.5

I’m not going to sit here and tell you I think the Ravens are a fraud team, but I’m going to get very close to saying it. Am I going to catch some Flack-O from Baltimore fans? I mean, sure they’ve got some defense, but the quarterback? Not exactly elite. With the game being in London, there’s no home field, although the Jags are basically London’s team at this point.

Picks: Jaguars +3.5; Over 39.5

BROWNS (-1.5) AT COLTS; 40.5

The Browns are favorites. On the road. Hell has frozen over. Cleveland is 3-32 in their last 35 games. A conversion rate that only barely beats my dance-floor pick-up game. And you know what? I think I like the Brows, because they don’t have a head coach who would think this is a good idea: (The Colts fourth down trick play was supposed to appear here, but the NFL has embedding disabled on YouTube. Goodell is trash)

Picks: Browns -1.5; Over 40.5

STEELERS (-7.5) AT BEARS; 44

The Bears have to be hungry. They’re going to be at home, avoiding going down 0-3, and Bears need to eat before they go into winter hibernation. Jordan Howard is due for a break-out game, and I also wonder if Pittsburgh has linebackers that can match the athleticism of Tarik “Human Joystick with a Jewish last name but isn’t” Cohen.

Picks: Bears +7.5; Over 44

DOLPHINS (-6.5) AT JETS; 43

Okay so normally I’d just write “LOL” and then pick whoever is playing the Jets. And true, if the Dolphins played the Jets ten times they might cover nine times. But not this game. Not tonight. Remember, we’ve got a fat smokin’ Jay Cutler, getting almost a touchdown on the road? This is still a divisional game. And it’s still Jay Cutler.

Picks: Jets +6.5; Under 43

BRONCOS (-3) AT BILLS; 40

Maybe the fishiest line of the week. You’ve got Buffalo, who stinks. And you’ve got the Broncos who just murdered Dallas, and they look damn good. So you say, “hey, Denver can easily beat Buffalo by three!” And yeah, you’re right. But it’s fishy and Vegas want’s us on Denver so so so so so badly. Plus, you’ve got a west coast team coming east for a 1 p.m. start. Hhhhhmmmmm.

Picks: Bills +3; Over 40

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS (-14); 44.5

This game will go exactly one of two ways: Pats win 40-17, or, Pats win 17-13. There is NO middle ground. But it comes down to this. Deshaun Watson is a rookie quarterback, who’s going on the road, into the house that Brady built, against Bill fucking Belichick. Kid’s already got liquid shit dripping down his leg.

Picks: Patriots -14; Over 44.5

BUCCANEERS AT VIKINGS (-2); 41

I like the Vikings because there’s a lot of recency bias. Tampa crushed Chicago at home. Minnesota got smoked against the Steelers. But that’s not enough data to gauge this game. Minnesota has a great team, and we haven’t seen enough from Tampa yet.

Picks: Vikings -2; Over 41

SAINTS AT PANTHERS (-5.5); 46.5

It looks like New Orleans is getting some love from the public (read: the idiots) as a road underdog. I can see why some people would think that. The Saints and Panthers always play each other really close, and New Orleans is winless. But Carolina hasn’t given up a TD yet this season, and Killah Cam fig Newton hasn’t exactly lit up the scoreboard yet. Against this Saints defense? I’m glad I’ve got Sir Cam Isaac Newton on one of my fantasy teams.

Picks: Panthers -5.5; Over 46.5

FALCONS (-3) AT LIONS; 51

I think Detroit can take this one. Chronicles of Theo Riddick and Ameer Abdullah Oblongata pose a threat out of the Lions backfield because Atlanta is awful against the run so far this season. Meanwhile, the Lions defense is sneaky really good.

Picks: Lions +3; Under 51

GIANTS AT EAGLES (-6); 43

The whole New York Giants franchise is on the hot seat. Eli Manning has looked unbelievably bad this season. Ereck Flowers has been playing with the limp resolve of an actual Flower. Their offense is atrocious. Give me the Giants on the road. They need to save their jobs.

Picks: Giants +6; Under 43

SEAHAWKS AT TITANS (-3); 42.5

Seattle is having some serious issues scoring. More so than I do on any given weekend. They’re coming east, but they’ve got the luxury of the 4 p.m. slot. Tennessee will need a strong run game to control the pace of play, and Seattle needs to protect Wilson more than Tom Hanks did in Castaway. This is going to be a good game. I’ll be watching.

Picks: Seahawks +3; Over 42.5

CHIEFS (-3.5) AT CHARGERS; 48

San Diego I mean Los Angeles has lost two really close games. But they’re still 0-2 against the spread, so the public is probably in fade mode, even though they haven’t been terrible. Plus, the whole world now thinks Kansas City is the ’72 Dolphins but let’s not forget that Andy Reid is still their head coach and Alex Smith, who’s as exciting as a bowl of oatmeal, is their QB.

Picks: Bolts +3.5; Under 48

BENGALS AT PACKERS (-9.5); 46.5

LOVE Cincinnati. They’ve been so bad. Zero touchdowns through two games. They fired their offensive coordinator. People are screaming to bench Andy Dalton, the Red Rocket himself. They’ll come alive fighting for their lives. Otherwise the division could be lost through three games.

Picks: Bengals +9.5; Under 46.5

RAIDERS (-3.5) AT REDSKINS; 55

The Raiders are good. Very good. As a Patriots fan, they scare me. Blindly I’d be all over Oakland. But the public is dumb and they love the Raiders on Sunday night football. So, we’ll Costanza this one by doing the opposite and hoping Vegas knows something the public doesn’t.

Picks: Redskins +3.5; Under 55

COWBOYS (-3.5) AT CARDINALS; 46.5

Maybe my favorite thing to do is bet against dem Boyz, mostly because they always get so much public money, Vegas knows they can stretch the line a little bit and still get Dallas money. Zeke is a fat slob who should be benched a quarter for not hustling on an interception. And Dak? Looked like dogshit against a good Denver D. AZ? They’ve got a strong defense, too.

Picks: Cardinals +3.5; Over 46.5

LAST WEEK
ATS: 11-5
Totals: 8-7-1

SEASON
ATS: 17-13-1
Totals: 17-13-1

As always, follow me on Twitter to get my Thursday night picks, and on Instagram to see my ironic hashtags and sexy AF athleisure ‘fits.

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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