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Phew. Glad we got Week 1 out of the way. You never know what to expect with 32 new NFL teams, and betting the board could go as bad as the Hindenburg. Or whatever we saw last Thursday from the Patriots. Bigger disasters than my senior year apartment where we didn’t throw away trash, we just sort of lobbed it into a corner behind the TV. Luckily, I pushed the juice around (that’s slang for basically breaking even), which is certainly less fun than winning, but soooo much better than having to eat Ramen and canned tuna for the next week to cover my debts.
As always, get the Thursday night picks from me on Twitter.
Hey! Another 2-0 night on Thursday Night Football.
PATRIOTS (-6.5) AT SAINTS; 56
Couple things I’ve learned in life: You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t jerk off with shampoo, and you don’t make money betting against the Patriots after they lose.
Picks: Patriots -6.5; Under 56
TITANS (-1.5) AT JAGUARS; 43.5
We’re Jaggin’ off baby! The Jags? Best team in football. Don’t believe me? Ask Tom “Not So Macho Man” Savage. The Jags have officially turned the corner with their beatdown in H-Town. On a serious note, I like home dogs in divisional games.
Picks: Jags +1.5; Over 43
BROWNS AT RAVENS (-8); 38.5
The public is on the Browns +8…huh? Like, I get that they played a close game against Pittsburgh, but it was the season opener. And did they not just see Baltimore shut out the Bengals? Plus rookie QB DeShone Kizer roll? He’s really going to keep it within one score in Baltimore for their home opener?
Picks: Ravens -8; Under 38.5
BILLS AT PANTHERS (-7); 43
The public is on Buffalo as a road dog in Carolina. I don’t get it. Yes, the Bills won last weekend… against the Jets! And it wasn’t an impressive win. Buffalo is easily a bottom five team in the league, and while the Panthers beat up on a shitty Niners team, their defense looked good, and so did the run game.
Picks: Panthers -7; Over 43
CARDINALS (-7.5) AT COLTS; 44.5
The Colts were so bad last weekend that it looked like they would lose to Alabama if they played (wink wink). Chuck Pagano has been tight-lipped on who will start at QB for Indy, which is good considering when he does open his mouth, he gives credit to a completely different team than the one that gave them a shellacking (after last week’s loss to the Rams he congratulated the Niners for playing a good game). With Pagano, you never know what’s going on. Down is up, up is down. Eating onions, spotting dimes.
Picks: Colts +7.5; Over 44.5
EAGLES AT CHIEFS (-6); 48
Was I impressed with KC coming into the house that Brady built and absolutely blowing the doors off of the Patriots? Yes. Will Philadelphia let Alex Smith look like Joe Montana again? No. Philly has a much better front seven than New England. Also, the loss of Eric Berry on the KC defensive side cannot be understated. I’ll take the points, on the back of that Seth Rogen looking motherfucker Carson Wentz.
Picks: Eagles +6; Under 48
VIKINGS AT STEELERS (-5.5); 45.5
I just checked the public on this and I honestly have never felt more like Mugatu in my life: I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Minnesota has wayyy too much public support against Pittsburgh, IN Pittsburgh. Yeah, we saw Minny take down the Saints handily. On Monday night. And yeah, Pittsburgh didn’t quite blow Cleveland out of the water. But let’s not let one game worth of data dictate this bet. Pittsburgh is a wagon, plain and simple. And Minnesota? Not exactly the ’72 Dolphins.
Picks: Steelers -5.5; Under 45.5
BEARS AT BUCCANNEERS (-7); 43
Chicago didn’t look too miserable against the Falcons, and it’s because of one man and one man only: Tarik “I don’t know how he has this last name” Cohen. They call him the human joystick. Funny, I’ve been given a similar nickname, but not for my prowess on the gridiron *douchebag wink and finger gun point* Tarik Cohen aside, Tampa is at home, it’s an emotional game for them because of everything happening in Florida, and they’ve had an extra week to prepare for this one.
Picks: Bucs -7; Over 43
DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS (-3.5); 45.5
Just like Tampa has had an extra week to prepare, so has Miami. Plus you’ve got San Diego I mean Los Angeles coming off the late Monday night game, also known as Sergio Dipp-Fest 2017. Expect the Dolphins to be out there, on the field, but you’ll have to watch them, on the screen, having the time of their lives, covering the point spread.
Picks: Dolphins +3.5; Under 45.5
JETS AT RAIDERS (-13.5); 43.5
Picks: Raiders -13.5; Under 43.5
REDSKINS AT RAMS (-3); 46
Jared Goff, a favorite in two straight NFL games? That’s bananas in pajamas. I actually like the Skins to win straight up, so I’ll sprinkle the Washington money line with a little bit of Wednesday night trivia nacho and beer money. The Redskins, while their offense declined with the loss of basically their whole receiving corps, they’ve got a sneaky improved defense, and thinking about putting my actual hard earned (well, semi-hard earned) dollars on Jared Goff makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
Picks: Redskins +3; Under 46
COWBOYS (-2.5) AT BRONCOS; 42
LOVE the Broncos at home here. To win it, too. Not just to cover. Yeah, Dallas smoked the Giants, but my intramural flag football team had a more dynamic offense than New York did on Sunday night. And we were a bunch of hungover Jews who ran an obscene amount of trick plays. Denver has the defense to get it done, and they’re at home.
Picks: Broncos +2.5; Over 42
NINERS AT SEAHAWKS (-14); 42
I’ve got this little rule: If the point spread is laughably high, it probably is for a reason. This could be 17 points and I think I’d still take Seattle (I mean I wouldn’t, but I’m trying to make a point). Seattle, home opener, coming off a loss. Their defense against Brian Hoyer. Hahahaha. Also, too much public money on the under for me to follow along.
Picks: Seahawks -14; Over 42
PACKERS AT FALCONS (-2.5); 54.5
Love the Falcons at home. A high-flying offense that always seems to make Green Bay play on their heels. Remember the playoff massacre? Atlanta (before they blew a 28-3 lead against the Patriots, sorry had to sneak that in here) beat Green Bay 44-21. Yes, The Cheeseheads have an improved secondary. But I want to see them in action against Matty Ice.
Picks: Falcons -2.5; Under 54.5
LIONS AT GIANTS (-3); 43.5
Ah, Lions are getting a ton of public money as a road dog, which seems to be a big-time trend this week. Lolololol. Sorry Lions fans (Will, Duda), but did you SEE the Giants defense? Fucking terrifying.
Picks: Giants -3; Under 43.5
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