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It all started last Thursday. As my (one-and-only) attempt at being financially responsible, I used the money left in my checking account the day before Friday payday to make extra payments on my credit cards, leaving just enough in there to pay for my mani/pedi that evening, plus a little extra in case a surprise dinner/drinks engagement come up.
So I imagine my surprise – and embarrassment – when, after multiple tries, my nail lady sheepishly informed me that my card was declined. As the women waiting for their appointments looked on with a mix of pity (“Poor thing can’t afford to have her nails done.”) and disgust (“Why is this bitch getting a mani, if she’s so poor?”), I handed over my “emergency” credit card to pay for my non-emergency pampering, and fired up my bank app. What the hell had happened? Had I simply miscalculated? Had I bought something I had forgotten about? And then, there it was:
July 15, 2016
What. The. Fuck?
“Yes, I’m sure I did not make the charge,” I tell Freddy, the guy in India that my local bank has outsourced fraud detection to. Not only had I not been within 300 miles of Syracuse, I haven’t been inside of a Foot Locker since…ever. I mean, of all of the places one could go with a stolen debit card, this yahoo chose FOOT LOCKER? I mean, they don’t even sell Yeezys there, although I suppose Jordans are pretty cool. But still, the best thing you could come up to buy with my money was sneakers, Debit Card Thief? I’m disappointed in you. Show some creativity and buy a book or a piece of art or even a piece of jewelry. At the very least, you could have bought a few Taco Bell party packs for your friends, you selfish jerk.
This isn’t my first time at the stolen-card rodeo. A few years ago, someone had piggy-backed on an employee through our 24/7-locked office doors during lunch time and made off with a bunch of people’s wallets, including mine. While I learned a lot of lessons that time (pro-tip: register all of your gift cards and keep them somewhere besides your wallet, or else that $25.00 gift card to Starbs you got from Nana is no more), this incident seriously pissed me off. Even though last time, I lost a lot more money (cash + gift cards + stolen wallet = gone forever), this time really just fries my ass. Maybe it’s because I didn’t lose the card, so I’m making myself nuts trying to figure out how the dude strutting around with the new kicks got my number. Or maybe it’s because I acted fast enough last time that there were no charges on my cards, and fighting fraudulent charges is a giant pain in the ass (Seriously, Freddy, I SWEAR I didn’t make that purchase.) Or maybe it’s just that I’m freaking pissed that there are assholes out there in the world who fund their lifestyles by ripping off other people. Yes, I know that’s very naïve of me, but still…assholes. Assholes that can’t think of anything cooler to buy with my money than sneakers. Lucky I left no money in my account for you to buy anything else.
So if you’re reading this, guy who bought new kicks with my debit card at the Foot Locker in Syracuse, NY, I hope you’re enjoying them. Because karma’s a bitch, and soon enough, she’s gonna kick you in the balls — hopefully with a pair of steel-toed Yeezys..
Image via Shutterstock