As you may have read in my previous column, I start a brand spanking new job this week. Presumably, as you’re reading this, I’m already there, meeting my new coworkers and killing the game. This isn’t really a job involving “deals,” but if it were, you can bet I would be closing them. I’ve been pursuing this job for over a year and it’s my dream job. I spent the last two weeks recuperating and “relaxing” (drinking) to get myself mentally ready. Here I am, the night before the big day, knowing that my life will never be the same after tomorrow.
I’m supposed to be there “NO LATER THAN 7:00 AM,” so I really need to be in bed, but my brain is too full of activity and questions and anxieties and excitement to sleep yet. In an effort to make my 5 a.m. wake up call, here are some thoughts I’m having the night before I start my new job.
Why am I still awake? I swore I would be in bed 30 minutes ago.
Why didn’t I do more of these errands and chores earlier in the day? Earlier in the week?
I hate my outfit for tomorrow. Why the FUCK did I buy a pant suit? I HATE pants. I look like a blonde Sandra bullock in Miss Congeniality. PRE-MAKEOVER. I might cry.
Will any of my old skirt suits still fit?
Nope, too tight in the chest. Better message Jenna and see if she has any overnight weight loss tips for me.
Maybe I can just wear a suit the first day and then revert back to my power sheath dresses per usual…
Fuck, my kitchen sink is STILL broken so I can’t make dinner. I called about that a week ago!
What am I supposed to eat?! How will I meal prep? How am I supposed to wash the dogs?
Frozen Trader Joe’s wonton soup it is. I do not have room in my macros for this.
Will I make friends tomorrow? Will I be stuck with a bunch of 22-year-olds who think I’m old as fuck?
Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad. I would clearly become their leader and destroy them with my corrupting influence. I could deal with having a small army of minions…
Will there be any kind of ranking system or testing or competition? God I hope so. I miss having people to compete against.
What will I learn? I hope the first day isn’t all boring orientation and benefits paperwork. I’m sure it is, but I can dream.
Oh my god, are my eyebrows too dark? Did my eyebrow lady overdye them today? Is it super obvious that I had them dyed?! Will people notice?!
Back to the suit again. That fucking suit. What shirt can I even wear with this suit that won’t make me look 30 pounds heavier than I am? Ugh I should just give up on my appearance and wear my hair in a bun with no makeup.
FUCK I have two freelancing articles due tomorrow. Guess I won’t be making that 9:30 p.m. bedtime I set for myself. Maybe I can save time by not shaving my legs tonight? They’ll be covered by my horrible frumpy pants anyway.
Shit, I haven’t prepped my breakfast or snacks for tomorrow.
Will there be cute guys there? I mean of course there will. But will they even look at me in my masculine secret service pant suit? Damnit, Quinn, we don’t sleep with coworkers. WE DO NOT.
Maybe if they don’t work in my division…
Ok why do half my clothes not fit? Maybe it’s time for No Alcohol April?
God that sounds terrible.
DO NOT forget to bring your offer letter with you so they can verify your salary bump.
Shit, when did this suit get wrinkled? Well now I have to steam it before bed. Yet another thing that’s gone wrong tonight. I’m going to have so many chores tomorrow.
Fuck… I will be officially employed at my dream job in less than 12 hours…
OMG I’m going to learn so much and write so many important papers. I could stay there my entire career if I wanted to…
I wonder how quickly I’ll make it to the first promotion milestone…
What if I hate my boss? What if I’m working with all old guys my dad’s age again?
What if I fail?
Haha, just kidding, I’m too resourceful to fail. Remember that time I created an entirely new job for myself in a budget cut environment?
NO DOGS NO, STOP BARKING. YOU’LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS!
Wait… what time is it? Fuck!
WHY AM I AWAKE?
So. That’s where I’m at. You can Tweet at me, but I won’t be able to check them until about 5 p.m. EST. I’m honestly not nervous at all, I’m just really really really excited (but also annoyed that my night of planned relaxation has gone so far off the rails). Shoes are by the door, lunch is packed, suit is steamed, hair is washed, I’m ready to go! Wish me luck!.
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