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Some Questions I Have Before My First Work Party

Some Questions I Have Before My Work Party

August 10th, 2017. The date I’m going to get fired after just three short months at my company. Also, coincidentally, my work’s summer party. I wish I could say I’m going to have three beers, take it easy, and be home in time for dinner, but we all know that isn’t true. My company is renting out a bar on the beach and providing four hours of open bar time, and at this point in my life, I know who I am as a person. I’m going to ravage the bar, drink roughly a thousand Cucumber Vodka and Sprites, and make a fool of myself. While that is a certainty, there are some other questions that I’m not so sure of, and would like answered.

Should I wear a bathing suit?

Like I said, this is a rooftop bar literally fifteen feet from the beach. It would make sense that beach attire would be not only acceptable, but encouraged. However, the last thing I need is for my bosses to be wearing real clothes while I lounge around in my bright pink board shorts and a tank top. Usually, I’m all for drawing attention to myself, but in this situation, I think I should try and blend in. I want to make it as hard as possible for my coworkers to notice every time I get another drink from the bar.

When can I take my shirt off?

I’m not going to lie to myself. I know that after a few drinks, I’m not going to want to waste the sunshine beating down on me, and I’m going to make the choice to take my shirt off. Chicago only has nice weather for, like, four months out of the year, and the tan I pick up in the next few weeks is going to have to last me until spring. But when should I go topless? If it’s too early, everyone is going to be sober enough to judge me. If I wait too long, it makes me look way more intoxicated, plus I won’t even get enough sun for it to be worth it. I want to hit that sweet spot where people see me #FreeTheNipple and are inspired, not embarrassed. That area where everyone is just drunk enough that they join in on my campaign to get tan. Probably like 75 minutes in, is what I’m thinking.

What’s my plan in the event of a fight breaking out?

I’m not going to mince words. The bar we’re going to is a notoriously douchey spot. There will be finance bros who are not going to be pleased with the fact that we’ve rented out their prime real estate. There will be punk college kids filled with Everclear and jungle juice that make their way over from the beach looking to start some shit. Apparently, we replaced the resident EDM DJ with a country band, which I’m sure will culminate in an altercation when some asshole yells at them to play Chainsmokers. If you’ve ever been to a Chicago beach, you know the odds of a fight breaking out are roughly the same as the odds of seeing a high-school age girl passed out drunk in the sand- 100%. When that happens, what’s my plan? I don’t want to look like a psycho and have the CEO of my company see me swinging on people, but I can’t look like a bitch and not back my coworkers up if shit goes down. I think I’ll stick with my normal plan of not starting shit, but not shying away from it, either.

Will my coworker be mad if I ditch them to play volleyball on said beach?

In an unfortunate scheduling conflict, my rec league volleyball playoffs coincide with this summer party. Fortunately, the league plays on the same beach I’ll already be on, so I really just need to be sober enough to walk about a hundred yards away (and play volleyball, I guess). Now, I already know I’m going to play volleyball. I’m a competitor, and I didn’t train (get drunk and play) all season (eight weeks) to not take my team to the ship (be too intoxicated to see the ball and lose in the first round). My only worry is that my coworkers are going to think I’m rude for ditching them for an hour in the middle of the party. Or, even worse, be able to see how horrible I am at volleyball from their vantage point up the beach. My best bet is to Irish exit, play a few games, and then when I make my reappearance at the party, everyone will be so happy to see me again they won’t question where I went.

Do I have to come to work the next day?

I’m going to be hungover as dick. Do I really need to show my face in the office for the half-day Friday? I know for a fact every single one of my bosses will be “working from home,” so logic dictates that I do the same. However, I think it would look good if I manage to make it in. Nothing says, “give me a raise,” like getting drunk with my boss the night before and still making it into the office. Do I have to do any actual work? No, and in fact, I may just schedule a conference room, turn the lights off, and sleep on the floor. That’s the move.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com

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