Some Idiots Are Spending Thousands Of Dollars To Have Sand Sculptures At Their Weddings

Some Idiots Are Spending Thousands Of Dollars To Have Sand Sculptures At Their Weddings

The average wedding cost in the United States is $26,645. For some people, that’s absurd. For others, that barely even covers the flower budget. No matter what your idea of a “normal” wedding budget is, I think we can all agree that the wedding industry has many absurdities that could probably be completely omitted to bring the cost of getting married back to earth. But a new fad is doing just the opposite of that, and that new fad is sand sculptures.

Yes, sand sculptures. The takes-two-days-to-build piles of dirt that leave you with nothing tangible outside of some idiotic pictures where you’re standing in front of (pardon me for saying it again) sand sculptures.

Per The New York Times, “Some hotels charge more than $3,000 for a sand sculpture, depending on design, detail, complexity and size.” Whereas most of us barely have $3,000 in our 401Ks let alone our bank accounts, the idea of spending that much to have sand sculpted into something for one day (and one day only) is as dumb as it sounds.

Trust me, I think this sounds bananas just as much as you do. But apparently it’s catching on. Again, via The New York Times who interviewed a Florida event planner:

“In the five years since I’ve worked here, I’ve seen a 65 to 70 percent increase in couples incorporating this into their weddings,” said Evelyn Judge, director of catering and events at the Casa Marina. While ice sculptures last only a few hours, those made out of sand can last for days — that’s longer than some marriages (think Britney Spears and Jason Alexander’s 55 hours of married life).

If you’re basing life decisions off the length of a marriage that Britney Spears had, you need to have your wedding license tied to a brick and thrown into the sea where all that stupid sand came from.

Luckily for all of us, The New York Times also interviewed people who didn’t just want sand sculptures at their wedding; they needed sand sculptures at their wedding. One dude said, “I only need two things: a premium bar and a sand sculpture.” While I respect that he’s maxing out his chill factor, I can’t respect that he’s lumping those two requirements into the same sentence. Another woman took things to the next level.

“The sea is a big part of [my husband’s] life, so the nautical theme was important to us. When you get married at a hotel, there are always other people around. This marked our territory. Having our names on it helped as well. It says, ‘Be aware this is our day’ in a subtle way.”

Another (equally stupid) way of marking one’s territory is by peeing on objects, but I’m hoping this happy couple refrained from doing so until after the reception.

The final couple who I refuse to spare had their dogs sculpted out of sand for their special day because their dogs were “too big to make the trip and would have needed to be flown under the plane.” So naturally, rather than just doing something logical like that, they spent $1,200 to have their dogs sculpted out of fucking sand for their ceremony. Truly amazing stuff coming from that camp. They even acknowledged that “It was lot of money especially since we couldn’t take it home, but it was worth it. Watching our dogs come to life was fascinating. Regular guests staying at the hotel took pictures with them. People from around the world who weren’t at the wedding have photos of our dogs.”

Well, yeah, it was a lot of money, lady. And people from around the world don’t have pictures of your dogs. People from around the world have pictures that they show their friends saying, “These people were dim enough to get sand castles made of their dogs rather than just fly them to the ceremony.”

And the sand show doesn’t stop there. People are using sand sculptures even before the ceremonies. You know, because engagement photos and staged engagements weren’t insufferable enough, “Many are hiring sand artists and sculptors to create original monuments in order to propose to their partners.” Apparently the days of loving one another and sharing personal moments together are over, and now it’s standard protocol to show how much you love someone by simply paying a beach version of Picasso to handcraft a drip castle with your fucking name on it.

I know love makes people do crazy things, but have mercy, people. We’re talking about sand.

[via The New York Times]

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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