======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
When I am not taking pictures of my flawlessly executed recipes from Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook, or posting drunk selfie videos of myself saying “it’s lit” over and over again, I am sitting around thinking about how Snapchat is ruining my life. Back in the day, before the little ghost that we all know took over our lives, we simply just texted our love interests and significant others. Now, as we all live our lives for the Snap, we have to deal with a whole new level of insecurity and stalking that Snapchat has essentially created. There is nothing worse than getting ready for a night out and thinking that you look hot AF, sending out a mass selfie with perfect lighting only to minutes later, see that dreaded empty little arrow from someone opening it and just simply not being impressed. This is now something that we actually care about now. What a time to be alive.
The worst is when you are talking/dating/idk what they call it these days, someone and you haven’t heard from them in a few days or maybe hours and then…they Snapchat you. They fucking Snapchat you. No text. A Snapchat. What the fuck is that? You are too busy to send me a real message of substance but you can send me a picture of the disgusting tuna sandwich you had for lunch? Who do you think you are? Sending me a MASS SNAP when I haven’t heard from you in days? THIS IS NOT OKAY.
Then you reply to the Snap anyway because you are a sad excuse for a human, thus opening up the conversation to only Snapchat, and they never text you for the rest of the day. I have had conversations with a guy FOR DAYS over Snapchat and I just don’t get it. Why? Why do people do this? Just send a fucking text and put me out of my misery. Or don’t. Whatever. Not like I care or anything.
There is nothing more sad than bitching about it to your friend and the conversation goes like this:
“Okay, I am sure he is just busy, have you talked today?”
“Um, he sent me a snap earlier?”
Annnnnnd you think that’s fine! It’s great! He sent you a Snap! You communicated! You think that it is completely okay that they have essentially ignored you all day and night but OH they sent you a Snapchat of a dog they saw walking down the street on their way to work. You are good. GOLDEN, actually. Nothing to worry about here! WRONG. That is not okay. That is not communicating. That is showing that you don’t care enough to have a decent conversation with a human being you may or may not be romantically interested in. Grow a pair and if you like someone, TALK TO THEM. I would 100% rather not hear from someone for days than have them not talk to me and then send me a fucking mass Snap. Bye.
Snapchat stories are used for two reasons and two reasons only: 1) “Hey look at me and my cool life I do fun things! I’m interesting! I’m funny! Look at me on vacation! Look at me drunk! Look at how great my cleavage looks in this dress!” and 2) when you are ignoring someone or want to show that you don’t care to text them, you post a story to be like, “oh look at me ignoring you! I am not just sitting at home wondering what the fuck you are doing, I am living my life! You see that? L-I-V-I-N-G!”
I am guilty of both. We are all guilty of both. Recently, a friend’s ex texted her to just “check-in” #LOL. My advice: do not text him back but go do something and post a Snap story so he can see you are ignoring him. I’m guilty of it, you’re guilty of it, we are all guilty of it. We all claim to hate playing games but yet we LIVE for this mental warfare. What has dating become? Can we go back to putting love notes into each other’s lockers in-between class periods? Please?
Which leads me to the next part of stories that seems to get the most people in trouble. The ‘ole “WHO THE HELL WAS THAT GIRL/GUY IN THAT SNAP??” which you then replay it 100x to try and decipher a person in the very, very back who is not even involved in the snap. They are (usually) an innocent third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter. We all need to chill. Let’s all just chill and trust the person we are dating isn’t a complete scumbag and that is just a friend’s girlfriend or cousin or stranger. Let’s just hope they never add a feature that shows how many times someone views your story. We will all be fucked.
The newest update seriously almost made me delete Snapchat and actually caused me to have a minor panic attack. The whole idea of taking us from story to story without any warning of who is up next? ARE YOU INSANE? WHY? One minute you are innocently laughing at John Mayer’s videos and then before you know it without any warning BAM you are now watching your ex-FWB story of him on a boat or some shit and oh look it was just posted 30 seconds ago. GREAT! LOVE THAT! No one asked for this. No one. Please help us. This is a cry for help.
I am the first to admit that I am the worst on Snapchat. I am admitting my guilt. I am calling myself out. And I am apologizing to the people who follow me. I do everything for the story because I am human scum. I ignore people. I post stories purposely hoping for a certain few people to look at them. I ignore people then Snap them or post stories. I am a giant hypocrite, but whatever. We all do it, and this new Snap-obsessed world that we live in is ruining my life because I am allowing it to. I deserve this. I am bringing it upon myself.
Thank fucking god we can’t see who someone’s best friends are anymore. .
(If you like pictures of food and drunk selfie videos, follow me on snap at @kay_michele)
Image via Shutterstock