One simply does not discuss the year of 2016 without acknowledging that it may have been the worst year we’ve all lived through. Yeah 2008-2009 were shitty, and 2001 wasn’t great, but good lord 2016 was the fucking worst. I don’t even have to tell you why, because unless your name is Tomi Lahren or Nick Saban, everyone had something to be pissed about.
Fortunately, it wasn’t a total loss, and as the year comes to a close there are a few things to hang your hat on.
Harambe Didn’t Have To See Most Of This Shit
This calendar year was equivalent to a back-alley abortion, but can you imagine how much more painful it would’ve been knowing that poor Harambe had to see this shitshow unfold too. We all mourned him like a brother, but little did we know that he was the lucky one by getting bailed out of this pure hell of a year in late-May. Rest in peace, buddy, wish we could’ve gone with you. It was a quiet comfort every day knowing that you were in a much better place than we were.
Ted Cruz Describing Queso
I’ve been masturbating for a long time, so it comes as little surprise that sometimes it gets old using the same stimulants. Thank God that the year 2016 brought us this clip of human sexpot Ted Cruz talking about the gluttony of melted cheese running down his chin onto his rapidly developing turkey neck.
Unofficial statistics show that 1/3 of all pregnancies since Ted’s statement occurred while listening to this audio. Thanks 2016 for having Ted Cruz make America horny again. Listening to that clip on repeat makes my balls wet.
We Got The Insult “Cuck” Back
For too long was a “cuck” a man whose wife was two-timing him behind his back with a coworker or the pool boy. It wasn’t a word that really was getting much love this generation. No one really wants to insult a guy whose wife is doing the dirty elsewhere.
Thank God that the year 2016 brought us Donald Trump, and with that melted orange marshmallow came the insult “cuck” back with a vengeance. No longer was it a word you felt guilty in calling an emasculated man. No, now you get to throw cuck out like a 90 mph fastball at any Republican who wasn’t all-in on the Donald. Cuck rolls off the tongue and is a great way to disgrace people who made a rational political choice.
We Found Out Ebola Wouldn’t Kill Us All
Every time there’s a new super disease out there we go into a Bubonic Plague state of panic. To all my 90s babies, shoutout to the West Nile Virus. Well, 2016 put us to the test again and everyone can breathe a breath of fresh air. It took us a couple thousand worldwide deaths to find out, but pull some party poppers because we can draw a chalk line through Ebola being the thing that’s going to wipe us off the planet!
We Had Another Top Ten Hottest Year On Record
Guys, winter clothing is expensive as hell. If you’re in the market definitely check out Man Outfitters, but with the way things are going, looks like it’s savings city for us.
Thanks to 2016 being even more fucking scorching ass hot, we could spend even more time in nothing but bro tanks and shorts. Maybe you had a rough 2016, but at least you weren’t freezing your ass off during most of it, am I right? Hopefully, the new head of the EPA Myron Ebell keeps temperatures rising and thighs and biceps showing.
Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian Proved The American Dream Is Still Alive
We as Americans always want to believe in the little guy going from rags to riches, as well as second chances. We love a success story. Unfortunately, with the 2008 recession and slow recovery, we’ve found ourselves less optimistic of late. In 2016, however, champions of the common man named Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian emerged.
Thanks to these two heroes, Americans saw that with a little elbow grease, and having the baby of the brother of a socialite whose little sister is dating her other son’s father (who is a notorious broke piece of shit), that anyone can achieve the fame and fortune of their dreams. We slave away at our desk jobs wondering if we even have a chance in this world, but our girl proves that we can all make our dreams of reality TV shows and paid club appearances happen, as long as we believe. In 2016, hope was spelled C-H-Y-N-A..