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It’s 10 a.m. Saturday morning. You’re just regaining consciousness in bed next to your one-night stand or significant other. Chances are, you smell like booze, cigarettes, and genitalia. Groggy and dehydrated, you head for the shower with your partner in tow, thinking, “Hey, might as well keep the fun going.” Get the hot water going and commence the sudsy rubbing of body parts. Next thing you know, sexual interests are piqued, and round 2 is on the table. Do yourself a favor and just stop right there. Shower sex sucks. It’s glamorized as sexy and romantic, but in reality, it’s just a bad take on a good thing.
Having sex is great. Having sex up against three walls of smooth porcelain and a plastic sheet? Not so great. Get those walls slick with soap and water, and you’re attempting to get laid in a death trap. The risk of slipping and cracking open your skull might add to the excitement and spice up the sex, but is it really worth the possible paralysis and letting down the boys in beer league?
Due to the nature of bathing being a solitary event, showers are designed for one person. This means while one person is enjoying an intimate experience draped in a waterfall of warmth, the other is trying to stay interested while battling early stages of hypothermia. Blue balls suck, and that might not be the only body part that’s blue when you inevitably throw in the towel.
You know all of that natural vaginal lubricant slowly developed and perfected for optimal pleasure over thousands of years of evolution? Yeah, that just got washed down the drain. Sure, it will feel alright without it, but not nearly as good as a good ol’ fashioned romp in the sack. And no, conditioner doesn’t double as lube.
Oral is absolutely out of the question. You would think that while you are both at your cleanest, this would be the ideal time to go down on someone. But, have you ever tried to go down on someone in the shower? It’s like being water-boarded with genital flavored water. Not a good way to go out.
Once the guy has finished up, the first thing his boys are swimming into is hot water. After years of long shameful showers in their early teens, guys know what will happen next. Here’s the science: semen is made up number of different components, including proteins responsible for maintaining the liquid and solid state of semen. And it just so happens that as semen hits water, the liquefaction proteins are the first to be washed away, leaving behind rubber-cement like glue. Seriously, this stuff should be used in major construction. Have fun combing that out of your pubes.
Nudity, hot steamy environment, soaped up slippery genitalia — everything about shower sex sounds like a recipe for success. But when you get down to execution, it’s nothing but a lot of discomfort for little return. Keep the fun stuff in bedroom, and save showers for what they’re good for: pondering life’s mysteries and washing off the stank of a regretful one-night stand..
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