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“They come running just as fast as they can
‘cause every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man.”
-ZZ Top
I see him through the crowd, from a distance away down the bar. While casually chatting with his friends, he’s slightly leaning against the bar, somewhat trying to get the bartender’s attention for the next round. The crisp short sleeve button down he has on is unbuttoned just enough to expose the slightest tuft of chest hair. His hair, only a little messy, chestnut brown, and perfect in every way. It’s his laugh and smile, though, that get me. It’s infectious, and I immediately need to be in on whatever joke he’s listening to. I suggest to my friends that we try to make our way over, through the crowd to make our intentions and moves known. Carefully sliding past other patrons, I have him in my sights, and that’s when I see… he’s wearing flip-flops. I sigh, throw my drink on his feet, light a cigarette, and flick the ash on to his feet so that the abomination of fashion sin he’s committed can burn forever in hell. As my friends and I make our exit from the bar, I pull the fire alarm.
Did this actually happen? Of course not – I don’t smoke. Call me “shallow” or “cruel” or “bitter” for walking away (in a completely fictitious situation) because of the shoes that a man was wearing… go ahead, I’ll wait… Okay, glad that we’re past that now. There seems to be an epidemic of good-looking guys wearing heinous footwear lately, and I want it to stop. I hate to see anyone put together an amazing outfit only to ruin it because he doesn’t know what to put on his feet. Might as well just be wearing baseball cleats all the time; it wouldn’t look any less ridiculous than what some of you are putting on your feet now. I know that I sound way harsh, and I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. But the truth of the matter is that there is a certain level of attractiveness when someone takes a little time and puts in a little effort to their physical appearance, including footwear. Please let me highlight three areas where you gents seem to be making a bit of a mistake:
Flip Flops:
Let’s start with the flip-flops, boys. Before I attack your choice of footwear, let me just say – if you want to wear flip-flops, that’s fine (I guess), but there are many clauses that come with the flip-flop contract. First, I get that it’s summer. Your feet are probably sweating like no other, and with sweat comes a stank. But guess what? Wearing flip-flops all the damn time doesn’t actually help your stinky self: not only do you have to clean your flips (yes, clean. your. flips.), you also have to take care of your feet. Wash, dry, powder, etcetera. Please, please, please, if you are going to expose your little piggies, don’t take them to market; take them to a Walgreens and buy a set of nail clippers. Before you even think about putting your feet on display, clip your toenails, caveman. And if you are truly ride-or-die team flip-flop, maybe reach deep into your pockets and treat yourself to a pedicure. Really, the only place that you should be wearing a pair of flip-flops is to a body of water, but if you’re going to wear those damn things out and about, wash the damn sludge off your feet when you’re done.
Boat Shoes:
There is nothing wrong with a decent pair of boat shoes. What I’m talking about is the grody, grimy, washed up shoes that some guys can’t seem to separate from. What is it about a man and his boat shoes? I know several post grads that still have a ratty old pair from their glory days of undergrad. The ghost of parties past are still lingering in them. We can see the “water” stains from across the room, fellas. Like, okay, we get it, you were in a frat and you cradled a lax stick for just shy of eight years. Cool. But it’s time to grow up. There is no excuse to still be wearing the same style of, let alone pair, boat shoes you wore the same day you did your first keg stand. I mean, I will be the one to say it… You cannot wear the same shoes you wore in college to your first job. Build a pyre, say a prayer, light a match, and then lay the old boat shoes to rest, guys. I mean, God forbid, splurge on a new pair, or better yet upgrade to some loafers.
Sneakers:
Sneakers, tennis shoes, kicks, whatever you call them… just invest in a decent pair or two, one for athletic purposes and one for more casual endeavors. You do not need any neon bullshit on your kicks; you are a grown-up, not a kid going to pick out his back to school shoes for kindergarten. Keep your sneakers “neutral” by picking a gray or a navy or even black so it will match everything. And just to be clear, in no way, shape, or form are sneakers to be worn with a suit. Who do you think you are, Kendall Roy? Just like the way that you dress says a lot about you, so does the way that you take care of your sneakers. Above all, sneakers require maintenance: You have to take care of the soles of any sneaker, no matter the color, to keep them fresh and sleek. Scrub the soles every week or so and keep a Tide-To-Go pen or wipe handy for any smudges on the other parts of the sneaker.
Guys, the ladies are out there, and we see you, all of you. You might be headed towards us with a sweet smile, a nice head of hair, and a great body, but if you’ve got ratty, flimsy, washed up clunkers on your feet, please keep on walking down the road..
Respond
@_mmmk8
Imagine the comment section if a guy wrote this about the kinds of tops girls wear.
And you thought the Houston New York feud was bad
I’m wearing flip flops any chance I get. I’ll wear them in the car, I’ll wear them in the bar. I’ll wear them on a beach, I’ll wear them in the streets.
Glad i’m married so I don’t have to worry about this anymore. My wife just tells me what shoes to wear and if I dress like trash
My wife tells me I dress like trash. Do I stop dressing like trash? No, I do not.
My wife gets mad at me for wearing Tevas and sneakers to social events.
Clean your sneakers, Shine your oxfords and match them to your belt, condition your boots so the leather stays supple and doesn’t crack like your damn heels.
If you’re looking to diversify: driving mocs in place of boat shoes and double/single monks in place of oxfords – I’m biased. I hate brogues.
They also go well with khakis
I don’t like the driving Mocs for the summer though. Just looks too old for me and it doesn’t go well with a nice Hawaiian. White/ off white sneakers or non dirty/ crusty boat shoes for the summer (flops only for the pool/ beach) and chukkah boots or loafers for the wear long pants seasons.
All in on double monks right now, pretty much the shoe for any occasion
I was hoping for a photo of DeFries in the newest Yeezys
Will probably, definitely get downvoted for this, but I think Yeez’s are trash. They look like burlap sacks on top of a ball of fresh mozzarella. Sorry, Will. Please don’t hate me.
Fair point, Air Yeezy 2 Solar Reds are still fire in my opinion
Not the worst shoe in Yeezy’s line up. Buuuuuuuuuut I don’t know how I feel about what looks like a glow in the dark sole.
No love for boots? Boat/athletic shoe with shorts and having 3-4 pair of cowboy boots for jeans.
Nice brown, nice black, work. That’s really my only options for footwear when it’s pants weather.
Yeah, I think my feet just look weird wearing tennis shoes with jeans. All about the nice/exotic pair for brown and black then an everyday brown.
Red Wing Iron Rangers all the way
I get a lot of compliments on my Iron Rangers. I’ve had them for 5 years and I take care of them, so they look better now than when I bought them.
My pair in a different color is getting delivered Friday, not stoked about that break-in period
Put them on and get them soaking wet… like put your feet in a bucket of water for a few minutes or wear them in the shower. Then walk up and down the street for a few minutes. Let them dry over night, then apply some leather conditioner/oil. Do this about twice and they’ll be fine. It really cuts down on the break-in period.
Thoughts on a pair of well-kept all black vans sk8-Hi’s? They’re pretty damn slick and I hit them with baby wipes and a lint roller whenever I leave the house.
Sk8 or die
Love vans
Wouldn’t the baby wipes leave a white residue on them when they dry?
Baby wipes are not the same as baby powder. Highly recommend that everyone carry baby wipes. They’re better than Tide To Go and get almost any stain out of anything.
I might be in love with you
Sup?
My personal rule is that I refuse to wear flip flops unless I am within 10 feet of a body of water, and even then I take them off as soon as possible.
I make my own shoes out of wooden blocks and leather straps.
my greatest accomplishment in the last 5 years is getting rid of my better half’s flip flops and jorts and bringing out the boat shoes and shorts.
I don’t believe you married a jort owner
it was a well kept secret for a long time that he had them. his story is that I mocked them on our first date so he knew to hide them (totally believable)