Several Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating The “Meat Mountain” At Arby’s

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The Arby’s “Meat Mountain” sandwich has changed the way we think about fast food and the mass consumption of deli meat. For the low, low price of $10, you can get eight unique meats–nine if you count the three strips of bacon on top–and two kinds of cheese, all on one of the single greatest creations known to man or God: the bun. And not a namby-pamby “slice” of meat, either; 1.5 ounces of each meat and two regular-sized chicken tenders await you if you dare to take on the challenge that has cardiologists salivating.

But the challenge isn’t for everyone. There’s a reason why they call it a “mountain,” which is Latin for “insurmountable motherfucker,” and only a select few can scale the summit without taking a yobogoya on the side of the road on the way home from Arby’s. Here are some all-important questions you need to ask yourself before taking on this meaty monstrosity:

  1. “Does it come with a side of curly fries?”
  2. “How high am I?”
  3. “Can I get it without the bun for my low-carb diet?”
  4. “Will this sandwich give me the strength I need to overpower my enemies?”
  5. “Is this thing Kosher?”
  6. “How long would I have to work out to burn off the thousands of calories this sandwich likely contains?”
  7. “Is there a vegetarian version?”
  8. “Am I making a meat mountain out of a meat molehill?”
  9. “Is left arm pain while eating this sandwich normal?”
  10. “What if I’m not crazy about ham?”
  11. “Does the sandwich come with a grave plot?”
  12. “Will there be someone to watch my sandwich if I have to go take a dump halfway through?”
  13. “Do I have to inform my next of kin that I’m eating this sandwich?”
  14. “Does my life insurance cover ‘Death by Meat Mountain’?”
  15. “Does The Cheesecake Factory make a version of this sandwich with 2,000 more calories?”
  16. “Will eating a sandwich this manly finally get me laid?”
  17. “How smart is it to eat this sandwich while driving?”
  18. “Does Arby’s also do funerals?”
  19. “Can I serve Meat Mountains at my wedding?”
  20. “Do you think Sarah Palin would seductively eat this on a pickup truck for a commercial?” (question for Arby’s executives only)
  21. “If this sandwich costs only $10, how much could open-heart surgery possibly cost?”
  22. “How much more American does this sandwich make me?”
  23. “Does roast beef consumption cure male pattern baldness?”
  24. “Can I get a sherpa to help me finish this sandwich?”
  25. “How much meat is too much meat?”
  26. “Is the Meat Mountain part of a balanced breakfast?”
  27. “How much do I hate myself?”

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