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Now that we know Rachel is going to be our Bachelorette, ABC is likely being flooded with applications from dudes who want to put a ring on the pretty lawyer’s finger. Or put something else somewhere. But either way, their “guy questionnaire” used the screen potential contestants is not exactly useful. Not only does it look like something my mother typed up in Microsoft Word 97, about half of the questions are totally useless. Yes, I definitely care about your annual salary – I’m not above admitting I’m marrying for money over love at this point – but do I really give a shit about your bucket list? Um, no. So let’s get realistic. As a woman who is looking for love in all the wrong places myself, I definitely have some thoughts on the questions that need to be asked in order to find Rachel’s potential co-star fiancé.
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?
This question is actually one of the few that is on the current application that can stay, because a nickname can actually tell you a lot about a person, whether it be one that relates to his history, his personality or his anatomy. But if he doesn’t have a nickname… he probably doesn’t have any friends and that can tell you way more than any silly moniker.
What is your relationship with your mom?
I firmly believe that every girl on The Bachelor has some kind of daddy issues, so I have to assume that the reverse applies to the dudes going on The Bachelorette. I’m not looking for a guy that still relies on his mom to do his laundry or, on the flipside, one that refuses to answer the phone when his mom calls. A nice middle ground in mom-land sounds good to me.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
I have to give the peeps at The Bachelorette credit for putting this one on their application because it reveals that they at least semi-realize the ridiculousness of looking for your mate while dating 30 people at the same time on television. But by the same token, I can’t imagine an answer to this one that doesn’t seem A.) desperate, B.) crazy or C.) both of the above.
What is your ultimate fantasy date?
I don’t understand how a show that is all about extreme dates (remember the zero gravity plane that Vanessa puked in this season?) doesn’t ask what kind of dates you like to go on, or what your dream date would be. If I’m the one asking the questions, I want to know if you prefer a sporting event or a wine tasting. A casual Italian dinner or a five-course French meal. BTW, if you answered the former in either of those, feel free to shoot me an email.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
Another one from the actual questionnaire that’s relatively useful. Much like nicknames can tell you a lot about a person, so can tattoos. Tattoos can have a deep meaning or they can be frivolous, but either way, there’s usually a story. And I really want to know why you decided it was a good idea to get the equivalent of a metal album cover tattooed on your back…which can actually be really hot if done correctly.
What’s your greatest failure?
It’s easy to humble brag about all of your accomplishments, but to talk about your failures is much harder. Too much “why me” and you’re pathetic; not taking any accountability makes you irresponsible; and saying you’ve never failed makes you a liar. None of those are attractive, my friends.
What’s the link to your IMDB page?
Don’t lie, I know you have one. Everyone that applies for this show does. I’m looking at you, Vanessa..
Image via YouTube