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Back in the late-90s, Disney realized they could pump out less than stellar straight-to-VHS sequels and little idiots like me would eat them up. I was going through the VHS collection at my parent’s house the other day and found what was essentially the Walmart versions of Aladdin and The Little Mermaid. I knock them now, but back then a sequel to your favorite Disney movie was like gold.
As I revisit these classics now, it’s easy to see where they could easily dive into some unsavory waters, especially when given the freedom of a sketchily produced directly to home video film could lead to some true sadistic gold. Disney has always toed the line when it comes to adult humor, so maybe it’s time to cross over for the old fans.
Aladdin 4: Jafar Joins ISIS
Back from traveling the world, Aladdin discovers that running Agrabah isn’t so simple, especially with a band of nut jobs trying to radicalize half your city. Jafar, back from beyond the grave, has found a new easily-manipulated squad to do his bidding. Join Aladdin, Jasmine, and the Genie (sadly now voiced by Tony Danza) as they fight back against Jafar and a band of dipshits riding old Chevy Z71s who use religion as an excuse to act like assholes.
Toy Story 2.5: The Teen Years
Woody, Buzz & Co. struggle to transition to unused toys relegated to the toy chest, and suffer through the consequences of being around a teenager with his hormones raging. When Andy gets a computer in his room with no parental control settings the toys learn that he has a whole new definition of play-time. Can the toys mentally survive Andy’s journey through puberty?
The Parent Trap 2: Public Shame
The tabloids discover that a famous dress designer and up-and-coming winemaker kept their identical twin daughters separated from each other for over a decade because they couldn’t get along. The subsequent national outrage and shaming tanks both parent’s businesses and keeps the newly reconciled family huddled inside their home to avoid the crowd of TMZ leeches outside their gates. Can their new family dynamic survive in cramped quarters while they watch Meredith Blake give every TV interview she can get her hands on?
Spoiler alert: yes, because Quaid + Richardson + Lindsey Lohan x2 is an unbeatable combo.
The Country Bears 2
This film is actually just the original The Country Bears, but anyone who buys the DVD is none the wiser because no one saw the original film.
Sleeping Beauty 2: Prince Phillip Has Weird Fetishes
Princess Aurora thought living happily ever after would be easy, but getting married to someone you’ve literally only had one conversation with can make for some unexpected surprises. From trying to suck her toes to requesting she give him her hair and nail clippings in Ziploc bags to use as pillows, Aurora seems to be spending more time pretending to be asleep in bed than she ever thought she would. Starring Kevin Spacey as the couple’s therapist, tune in for a Disney drama that’s sure to make you feel like you need to take a shower after watching.
Monsters, Inc: True Detective
The multiple-day disappearance and sudden return of a three-year-old girl with nothing wrong with her except new creative monster drawings is a happy ending for everyone. Everyone except two grizzled Louisiana detectives charged with investigating the beaten corpse of a giant purple lizard that was reported in a trailer park, which looks a lot like the lizard in that returned three-year-old’s drawings. McConaughey & Harrelson reprise their roles as Detectives Rust Cohle & Marty Hart in this live-action sequel to get to the bottom of the mystery of the monster world.
Cinderella 2: The Peasants Revolt
Cinderella and the Prince awaken one night to find the oppressed peasants of the village storming the castle. Upon seeing her Fairy Godmother flying away saying, “You’re on your own on this one with your glass slipper losing ass,” Cinderella and the Prince flee to the sewers, living off the mice she once considered her best friends. Can they escape the guillotine?
Spoiler alert: no, they can’t. .
Image via Unsplash
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
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You would have to make that Aladdin 5, Aladdin 4 is already claimed by Jafar May Need Glasses. Also, in the original versions “Prince Philip Has Weird Fetishes” is actually a very accurate title
Any good Top Gear fan would know the preferred ride for ISIS is the Toyota HiLux.
I wish you could get a 1987 HiLux in the US for less than a brand new Tacoma
You should do a follow up to this with Disney channel original movies. There would be some great sequels in there
High School Musical 4: Reunion (ironically, 2018 marks the 10 year anniversary of the third movie)- Troy and Gabriella beat the odds and stay together all through college. They marry shortly after graduating. They move back to the East High school district, where Troy takes over as the new basketball coach. Unable to find a new star, the team struggles for years under his tutelage. Troy starts hitting the sauce hard. Soon after moving back, Gabriella gets pregnant, and they have a son (Troy Jr, thus opening the door to future HSM sequels). Troy is often distracted and/or drunk, so Gabriella handles much of the child rearing on her own. She gets a standing Xanax prescription. One day they get a letter in the mail. It’s about their 10 year reunion. Troy is stoked. He hasn’t seen or heard from his bro Chad in ages. They find a sitter and Troy squeezes into a new suit (because there’s no way he still fits in his suit from HS, much to his chagrin). The first person they run into is Kelsi, who is now a famous music producer in LA. While they are chatting, Ryan walks up. He’s been bouncing around as a chorus member from off-Broadway show to off-Broadway for the better part of a decade. “How’s Sharpay been?” Gabriella will ask. “She’s in rehab, she got wrapped up with some bad people while trying to make it in LA.” Ryan will reply. An uncomfortable silence takes over the conversation and lasts until Chad walks in. Turns out that he’s an insurance adjuster a few towns over. Troy and Chad are reminiscing about old basketball memories when Taylor walks in. She has become very successful and works in the tech field. Chad is overcome with emotions seeing his old flame. He still keeps a picture of the two of them in his wallet. After some liquid encouragement, he goes up to her and confesses his never ending love to her. She tells him she has a boyfriend and is very happy, but it was nice to see him (because that’s how the real world works). A dejected Chad walks back to the bar and joins up with Troy, already holding a bottle of bourbon. “Reunions suck.” Chad says. Roll credits.
Monsters Inc: True Detective needs to happen
Honestly thought this was a real title
But does Prince Philip still have a first-rate wardrobe?
I found these to be hilarious. I am certainly on board with Peasant Revolt, but a public hanging seems to fit best.