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If you’re a sports fan, these next two months is one of the best times of your year. The Final Four is set, Opening Day is in a week and the NBA and NHL playoffs start soon. As post grads with some disposable income, a good majority of us occasionally enjoy attending games in person rather than from the comfort of Couch City. Once you get on the wrong side of 25, however, the standards for which you are held at professional sporting events change drastically.
Seating
Only enter/leave your seats during a dead ball or timeout.
This is the most basic, simple rule to follow. In professional sports there are a thousand opportunities a game to NOT disrupt the viewing experience of others. Take this one step further and grab seats on the aisle so you hinder nobody.
When you’re in your seat, stand only when at least 10K other people stand.
It sure is exciting when the Splash Brothers his a three pointer but standing up and doing jumping jacks for ten minutes after the shot falls makes everybody in your section and family wish you’d do a header onto the lower deck.
If your seats are nosebleed/upper deck, sit back and don’t lean forward like a jackass.
There are a good number of us that suffer from Big Head Syndrome and one big headed idiot leaning forward so his view is 0.25% better creates a domino effect for rows and rows. I have to remind myself of this nearly every game I go to.
Attire
No baseball gloves if you’re over the age of 13.
Scratch that, the age of 10. And if you approach an athlete who was born when you were in college and ask for his autograph they have the right to kick you out of the stadium. Speaking of age…
No jerseys if you’re older than the player whose jersey you’re wearing.
This past Christmas I won a Kris Bryant jersey in the Hickey Family White Elephant. As sweet as I initially thought it was I eventually gave it to my brother who was also born in the early 90’s.
A hockey jersey is not “all sporting events” appropriate.
You literally look like a clown. On that note, if you’re not going to wear either team’s colors, don’t wear any team colors at all. Glad to know you’re a Sharks fan, why did you wear your jersey to a fucking Wizards game?
Money
Wait until the very last minute to buy tickets online. Prices will drop.
I know guys who waited until they were rocketing down to Cleveland from Chicago in an RV for Game 7 of the World Series to buy their tickets. Probably saved themselves a couple grand on the way to the greatest memory of their life that I should have been a part of and will regret forever.
We get it…the beer’s expensive.
Just shut up and drink it. I don’t care how much a beer is at the minor league baseball stadium across the street from the Piggly Wiggly back home.
Carry cash.
It’s easier to buy from the vendors walking up and down the aisles and you won’t miss any of the action waiting in line for some stupid IPA your buddy wants.
Children
If you have a young kid (5 years old or less), bring them to a preseason NFL game.
They won’t know the difference and cheaper seats means Daddy has more scratch for beers.
Don’t spend the whole time trying to “teach” them how the game works.
He’s 4 he’s not going to understand or care what the option is. Also don’t spend their prime developmental years trying to shove your favorite team down their throat. Does your kid realize you didn’t even go to Notre Dame you fucking dork?
Here’s the official length of sporting events for your child if they don’t know any better:
Baseball – 6 innnings
Hockey – 2 periods
Football – 3 quarters
Basketball – one half
Dates
If you bring a date, avoid over-educating her. She doesn’t care about where the backup QB went to college.
She’s most likely just trying to see if the game has a SnapChat filter. And I’m sure a female will say in response to this, “Hey, don’t generalize women like that. I’m cool! I pay attention at sporting events.” You’re 100% correct, you are cool. I’m talking about the rest of you.
If you are stuck with a date who’s disinterested in sports, bring her to sporting events in this order:
1. Basketball: It’s indoors so there are no weather issues and tons of distractions: halftime show, contests during timeouts and shit falling from the ceiling via parachutes.
2. Football: The most exciting live sport with the rowdiest/most fun fans. Plus it’s in the fall so she can wear her favorite jersey and boots combo.
3. Baseball: Slowest of all the games, however in the summertime it’s a good opportunity for the two of you to drink in the sun and work on your tans.
4. Hockey: Lots of cons including temperature, length and lack of entertainment besides the game. Also be prepared to answer questions about why there are three periods.
Under no circumstances should you propose at a sporting event.
Name one happily married couple you’ve met who begin the story of their engagement with, “It was a beautiful Tuesday night in January and he had won Bucks-Sixers tickets in a company raffle…”
Any rules I missed? .
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
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@JRwilldoit
Due to my name/avatar being a fictional hockey player, I am clearly biased. However, you cannot possibly believe that football is the most exciting live sport. Every single non-hockey person that I have dragged to a hockey game has left amped up and ready to watch move live hockey. I get that it doesn’t translate to tv very well, and most people didn’t grow up around the game to know all the rules and nuaces, but every person who sees it live has a great time. Football is designed to be watched at home or in a bar, way too many stoppages and feels like half the time you are there they are showing replays on tv you don’t get to see in the stadium.
100% agree with this. Hockey is great to watch live, even better if there is a fight. The only football games worth going to in person are college football games.
Nothing compares to the energy in a hockey arena, especially during the playoffs. If you still have a voice when you leave you have failed.
I don’t know the rules of hockey but it was the most fun I’d ever had at a live game.
There is no better live atmosphere in sports than a playoff hockey game. It’s impossible to not love hockey after going to one
Hockey is great for the action. Baseball is great for the weather and relaxed atmosphere. College football/basketball are great if you and/or the girl are alums. Football and basketball are only if she’s a diehard fan.
Currently mourning the fact that I won’t have a playoff game to go to this year #LGRW
At least you don’t have to get your hopes up and then have everything come crumbling down… #LGB
I knew I’d see it somewhere in this chain. 1st round exit, #LGB
i’d say that goes more for the caps than any other team lol
At least we took down the blackhawks last year.
Story of my life…
Tell me about it…I’m from Philly.
As a girl who doesn’t get very excited about sports, I can attest to the appeal of hockey. I never got into watching it at home, but I will damn sure pay attention if I’m there.
This is all that needs to be said
http://www.sbnation.com/nhl/2016/4/26/11510078/twitter-user-falls-in-love-with-playoff-hockey
Hockey absolutely kills itself with the 20 (or is it 15) minute break after the 3rd period and before overtime. I’ve had multiple roommates watching and interested in a hockey game and they just say forget it and go to bed instead of wait for OT.
Even the entire extra day it takes to crown a US Open champ in golf is less anticlimactic than the long break before OT.
Don’t miss the National Anthem
Personal irritant of mine at sporting events:
A guy in section 323 Row 16 yelling at players or coaches like they can hear them. Chill out dude. I know you were average in Little League, but Bill Belichick probably has a better idea of what’s going on than you, and he can’t hear you anyway.
“Hey Yoast! Don’t you take out my son!”
“I’ll take this to the papers. I don’t care if I go down with you.”
I’m not sure if I’m alone on this, but if you’re a female please do not wear a pink version of any team apparel.
Or wear high heels to a sporting event.
Or dresses
Nothing wrong with a sundress at a baseball game
Pink team apparel and pink camo are the bane of my existence
Pink jersey and boots combo is the classic female Carolina Panther fan.
That Jersey point really hits home. I’ve gone from jerseys to golf shirts with the team logo
All around good article 10/10
For hockey and baseball, I’ve gone with the blank jersey. For names, I feel it is ok to wear a named jersey if that player is retired by that organization.
I think he’s borrowing this from Dan Patrick or Bill Simmons, but either way it is a solid point.
Just don’t put your own name on the jersey and wear something appropriate under and I really don’t have a problem with it.
Do T shirt jerseys count? Cheaper than the real thing and still allows you to support your favorite player.
Ohh boy. The “shirsey” is a bad look. They’re for kids.
Ok, I’ll take this loss today.
That take on Hockey is poop. The rest is spot on.
Hot take: his take on hockey is 100% accurate. There are no stupid distractions and the entertainment is the game, which why it may not be the best date night, but it is the best live sport to attend.
Zambonis are dope though
Mites on ice is some of the best intermission action there is around
A great life lesson for little kids is to take them to the game and act all dad-like and cool and then bring them to the bathroom except you duck out and hide. Watch that little kid squirm as he screams out “dad!!” A bunch of times to strangers and starts crying as the realization of being so truly alone begins to seep into his mind. Then you just pop out from behind the beer cart with a huge smile on your face and a beer in hand because you know that you have to go to work the next day and that fucking sucks so you’re just trying to live like a kid again except it’s not totally acceptable in society anymore because apparently hide and seek stops being cool when you’re 29 and you’re hanging with a kid who has daddy issues already at a young age.
Really appreciating the love that hockey is getting in these comments. Seems like hockey is so overlooked most of the time.
I’m pretty sure NFL preseason tickets are the same price as regular season tickets. Which is one of the biggest lines of bullshit in the world. Take your dumb kid to a minor league baseball game on Star Wars night or something. They’ll shit their dick with excitement and you get cheap beers.
All NFL games are a waste of money
The NFL is the one major sport that is actually made worse by the live experience than watching at home or at a bar.
Absolutely agree. Why would I tailgate for 4 hours then sit through a game that is less than exciting, then have to have to drive home in a ton of traffic, all with the impending doom of work the next day? No thanks I’ll sit on my couch and grab a beer from the fridge.
In general, this is very true. This is why I became a Bills fan & have attended a couple of their games despite not being from there.
The pregame scene & general vibe is like college football but colder. Judging drunk fans is prime entertainment. And the atmosphere is actually pretty good! Having the Penn State or Syracuse marching bands play at halftime is a nice touch too. But I’ve been to enough other stadiums to know this is an exception to the rule.
not to mention spending a majority of the time standing in lines
Eh, I wouldn’t go that far. But a lot of the time, they are. I won’t be there for quite a while because the Bears are total shitshow, but Soldier Field on nice October Sunday is worth it to me.
The only time I’ve been to Soldier Field was to be on the field for halftime at a Bears game… that was 100% worth it, but I’m honestly not sure I’d pay to see the Bears live as they are now. Let’s just give it a couple years.
I paid $1 for a front row seat to a Lions pre-season game. Face value means nothing when there are a million tickets available.
That’s a fair point. Still say a minor league game is the move if you’re taking a young kid.
You left out one that I hate, that primarily applies to baseball:
Do not, under any circumstances, start or even do the wave. The way I see it, anyone over the age of 18 who tries to start the wave should be publicly shamed.
Never start the wave, but never be the one to end it either.