Ridiculous News Headlines I Fully Expect To See In The Next Year

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The news gets more ridiculous every day. I’m not sure whether people are actually getting crazier or if publications are just getting better at finding the crazy, but I fully expect the trend to continue. In light of that, here’s a small sample of headlines that I imagine will take some form in the coming year:

• “Johnny Manziel Changes Nickname To Johnny Foosball To Reflect Career Change”
• “New Militant Group You’ve Never Heard Of Has Taken Over Region You’ve Never Heard Of”
• “Kate Upton Says, ‘Fuck It, Might As Well’; Poses For Playboy”
• “We’re Using This Societal Study To Draw Whatever Conclusions Serve Our Needs”
• “We Might Have Been Wrong About That Thing, But What If We Hadn’t Been?!”
• “Formerly Famous Band Puts Out New Album Thinking It Still Knows How To Make Good Music”
• “Every NFL Player Indicted For Various Crimes, All Most Likely To Start Next Week”
• “Broadcast Network Green-Lights ‘Edgy Comedy’ That Is Literally The Most Vanilla Show Ever”
• “Putin Still Doing Ridiculous Shit, Ain’t Nobody Doing Nothin’ About It”
• “President Obama Blamed For Things That Aren’t His Fault, Fires Back With False Accusations Of His Own”
• “Two Remaining Cable Companies Choose Merger Over Tiring Competition”
• “Thousands Of People Hold Rally To Remember What The NSA Stands For, Because Seriously, They Forgot”
• “New Marvel Movie Has No Title, Still Makes More Money Than Most Countries”
• “COPS ARE DESTROYING EVERYTHING YOU LOVE, PROBABLY”
• “New Kids On The Block Now Playing On Classic Rock Stations, People Weep For Their Youth”
• “Merriam-Webster Begs To Be Hip, Adds New Slang Words To Dictionary”
• “Full-On Pornographic Video Game Released, Available On All Consoles”
• “Smartphone Features People Didn’t Know They Wanted Create Fake Demand For Device”
• “Fox Has Officially Lost Count Of ‘The Simpsons’ Seasons”
• “Scientific Study Proves Something We’ve Always Known To Be True”
• “Hot, New App Valued At $2 Billion, Investors Still Not Sure What It Does”
• “Pauly Shore Continues To Ask If He’s Allowed Back In Hollywood Yet”
• “New Competition Cooking Show Features Famous Chef, CRAZY Twist Announced”
• “Everyone Still Afraid To Be The First Person To Call Out Brad Pitt For Being Smug”
• “More States Make Marijuana Legal, Potheads Still Complaining”
• “New Cancer Cure That’s Bullshit And You’ll Forget Reading About In A Week”
• “Malaysian Air Loses Another Airliner, This Time Before It Even Took Off”
• “Matthew McConaughey Wins Grammy For Drunk Karaoke Night”
• “Nerds Find Picky Reasons To Hate Pretty Decent ‘Star Wars’ Movie”
• “We Know This Is An Overreaction, But We Don’t Care”
• “’True Detective’ Season 2: More Confusion And Pretension, Even More Praise”
• “California Experiencing Yet Another Drought, Still No Plans To Actually Limit Lawn Watering”
• “Lena Dunham Gets Naked Again, You’re An Asshole For Not Loving It”
• “Photos Of Brave Acts That Will In No Way Counterbalance The Evil That’s In 98 Percent Of Our Stories”
• “Older Writer Finds New Way To Shit On Millennials”
• “NBC Premieres Another Dogshit Fall Lineup, Still Confused Why No One’s Watching”
• “LeBron Realizes He Made A Huge Mistake, Quits Basketball Altogether”
• “Justin Bieber Arrested For Committing [Any Sexual Act] With [Any Animal]”
• “Read This Title And Freak Out, But Don’t Worry — The Actual Article Has Little To Do With It”

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