Respect The Courtesy Flush

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There is a problem with public restrooms that has persisted for centuries. Maybe even a millennium. This problem becomes more apparent when you enter the workforce, vacation with friends, or stay over at a distant relative’s house.

I’m about to get real. Like, really real.

We all gotta poo. For some reason people don’t like talking about this; I am not one of those people. The importance of a normal digestive system cannot be stressed enough, and many refuse to acknowledge this.

Sadly, I am not here to discuss particular bowel habits, and this is not WebMD.

I am here to discuss the lowest form of human being. The person who takes a dump in a public or shared restroom and refuses to obey the rules of The Courtesy Flush. Not familiar with this policy? Lucky for you, I have decided to write this.

Courtesy Flush Guidelines (this applies to men as well as women):

Should you be using the toilet and either decide to stay beyond the first drop-off, or be having a movement in which you have no other choice but to stay pinned to your seat, you must ALWAYS flush as soon as the the turd hits the water. This will help with the smell, potentially protecting your reputation while potentially saving the nasal cavity of the unfortunate soul that will follow you.

Whether your bowel movement was normal or particularly messy, you must always give it a second flush before leaving the restroom. This means waiting about a minute after the first flush to double check if you might have left behind streaks, or some poop crumbs.

If you are one of those sickos who enjoys hovering over your pile of steaming feces as you scroll through Twitter, YOU are an ASSHOLE. This applies tenfold if you do this in a unisex bathroom. It is time to stop being disgusting and grow up already. We all realize that you will run for the toilet at just the slightest hint of gas as sitting on the crapper is one of the few places where we can be at peace.

Nobody is trying to take that away from you!

Go ahead and judge your way through your timeline as you contemplate whether or not someone is looking for you and wondering if you are STILL pooping. Get on Feedly and catch up on pop culture while you’re there. Why not check Politico as you attempt to care about Hillary or Jeb’s most recent opinion on some important-sounding legislation. Just don’t allow your crap to pile up as high as possible while the restroom becomes a gas chamber of death. Seriously, nobody wants to be hurrying in for a quick pee only to be slapped so hard by your wave of stench that they call in sick the next day.

In addition, do not be the guy or gal who is in such a hurry to leave the restroom that you leave behind the dreaded streaks or poop crumbs. We all have been there, so don’t try and deny it. Sometimes you deal with the consequences of Chipotle for lunch and too many margaritas at happy hour with some late night puking. Sometimes the result is the messiest shit you’ve ever seen. Here’s the thing: nobody else should see that. When you are having one those days, be aware of how bad it can be for the person needing to use the restroom after you. Simple solution: give that wonderful plumbing system we take for granted an extra flush or two.

BOOM.

So easy it’s almost crazy, right? Imagine if every person practiced this? Restrooms could go from scariest place on earth to a room where you can release with ease. Sure, this is an unattainable goal for a theme park or a nightclub, but when it comes to an office or home, it should be easy. We are all capable of taking care of ourselves, and we should be able to extend that responsibility towards our coworkers and friends.

Remember, unless you are intentionally wanting your friend or worst enemy to experience the Taco Cabana you ate last night, you should always obey these rules. Think about the innocent soul of the person forever tainted by that one time you went too hard with the jalapeno ranch, were lazy, and left the restroom smelling like the penguin exhibit at the zoo. Also, think about how poop crumbs and streaks are usually the worst part of your nasty dump. The unsuspecting person forced to see that will not only be disgusted, he or she will forever approach a public restroom in fear, thinking back to that time you left your crumbs and nothing was ever the same.

Lastly, if you are a repeat offender, word will soon spread and you will be ostracized. Unless you plan on parlaying that reputation into a stomach ailment that could lead to more work-from-home days, I suggest you start remembering to respect the courtesy flush.

Now start acting like an adult, you filthy animals. .

Image via Shutterstock

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Mandamus