Relationship Layups That Will Make You Appear To Be A Competent Boyfriend

Relationship Layups That Will Make You Appear To Be A Competent Boyfriend

The Capital R Roommate and I just moved into a new place together. Being around someone everyday as they see you in your best and your worst moments is the true test of a relationship. It allows her the chance to see you for who you truly are. And who I actually am is laziness incarnate.

Speaking on behalf of all men, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to just do nothing. Women as a sex aren’t capable of doing nothing. Therein lies the problem with a co-living situation. I’ve come up with a few helpful shortcuts to keep your relationship strong without actually putting forth much effort. I call them relationship “layups.” Dead man walking!

Don’t be the “flower guy.” Be the “very random few times a year flower guy.”
A lot of guys’ go-to move early in a relationship is to buy flowers. Well I’m in year three of birthdays, V-Days and anniversaries, so flowers are played out. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still want them. Pick one random weekday every three months to just buy her flowers. Whatever she was probably mad at you about will give way to confusion as she wonders, “What the hell did I do to deserve these?”

Absolutely nothing. You just pulled off the relationship LAYUP, and you executed it to perfection.


Now we can skip that dumb hike idea AND I get to pick the movie we’re seeing. Also, go Bears.

Do seemingly random, pre-planned gestures that she won’t notice for a few days to “surprise her”
We may be lazy, but we’re not idiots. After awhile you become familiar with the stupid things your girl gets excited about. So if you notice something you could do to score brownie points a few days down the road, take advantage.

Here’s an example. Recently I was going through some stuff I wanted to throw away. I came across a photo booth picture from one of the five hundred weddings we went to last summer. Normally this would go straight in the trash. But I remembered: she’s a woman. She loves photographic reminders of things that happened in real life around her. I was pumped because I knew what this meant. It meant that I had a clear path to the hoop for an uncontested LAYUP.

So I found a piece of tape and put it up on our bathroom mirror. Then I waited. When I heard her squeals of delight when she discovered it a day or two later, I knew that I had successfully come across as thoughtful, in touch with my emotions, and nostalgic. Probably saved me $150 on dinner and all I had to do was tape some garbage to the mirror.


Hey JR, what kind of poor idiot doesn’t own a medicine cabinet?

Take note. Like, actual notes.
One of the things I rely on as a stand up comedian is the Notes app on my iPhone. It’s where I jot down ideas for bits that pop into my head and review them later. It’s also where I write down a good amount about her.

Not her favorite food, the name of her cousins, or her bra size. Actually, maybe her bra size. I write down the random things that I’ll hear her mention offhand that she soon forgets.

Listen, if your girl wants a puppy, she’ll let you know she wants a fucking puppy. However, if she casually mentions to a third party that she wants something small, whip out that phone and write it down. That’s literally a coast-to-coast LAYUP.

For example, the Capital R is a Chargers fan (don’t hold it against her). When the team rolled out their baby blue alternative uniforms last season she said out loud at the bar, “Cool, I want one of those!” Knowing her favorite player was Philip Rivers (you CAN hold that against her) I made a note of it in my phone.

Guess what I had waiting in my sock drawer the next time I was in the doghouse? This bad boy:


I tossed it to her but it got intercepted.

So there you have it. A handful of ways to make her happier and your life easier. Sure, all three of these could be misconstrued as manipulations instead of loving gestures. When you’re facing a long term or potential lifelong relationship, what’s the difference?

Image via Unsplash

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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