We all have a working knowledge of the most infamous sort of pick-up lines. You know, stuff like “Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?” and “You must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” Of course, no one could ever (or should ever) use these in a serious matter. They’re purely laughing at, not with.
The older we get, the less wiggle room we secure for deal breakers or non-negotiables, which got me thinking: what are some realistic pick-up lines/introductory questions you would ideally love to throw at someone right out of the gate?
- “Hey. So, what’s your co-pay?”
- “Sure, you can buy me a drink. But only if you put over 5% of your paychecks into your 401K.”
- “You put in 7%? Your place or mine then?”
- “Have I just been touched by an angel? Meaning, what’s your religious/spiritual stance?”
- “Your dad must be a baker, because you have a nice set of buns. Also, is your dad really a baker? What does he do for a living?”
- “I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? Oh, you live where? Never mind. Bye.”
- “What’s that in your eye? A twinkle? Or do you have serious eye problems? What’s your family’s health history?”
- “Something’s wrong with my cell phone. Your number’s not in it, but also if something were to be seriously wrong with my cell phone would you be able to fix it? Are you a tech nerd?”
- “How do you like your bed in the morning? Sweaty and messy? Or made? Because I can’t deal with an unmade bed. Also, I sleep with the A/C on full blast.”
- “You know what this material is? Boyfriend material. Also, it’s a fine cotton because I have expensive taste. So, know that up front.”
- “I’m like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts. Moreso nuts, though. I mean, whatever. I’m a girl. We’re all crazy. Why are you looking at me like that? Ya know what? Fuck you! ::sobbing::”
- “If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Or are you gonna be a weirdo and demand the lights are off all the time?”
- “I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you. No, really. I’ve only had two and it takes me three. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk? Am I dealing with a hot mess or borderline alcoholic?”
- “You’re so sweet, you’d be giving me a toothache if I were prone to cavities, but I’m not. Are you?”
- “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? No, really. Why are you here? I mean, I’m here because I’m a single dude who doesn’t know any better. But why are you? Peer pressure or an unassuming slut?”
- “How do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized? Ha, I’m kidding, but if you can’t cook, we’re done here.”
- “You look hot. Wanna take a shower together? Is that a hard ‘no’ because of taking a shower with me or because you don’t shower regularly?”
- “You seem purrrrfect. Oh, you don’t like cats? Wanna get married now or tomorrow?”
- “Do you know what STD stands for? Sexy, Tall, Dangerous. Also, do you have herpes or the clap?”
- “Do you mind if I hang out here until it’s safe back where I farted?”
Let it be known: if anyone ever said this to me, I’d marry you on the spot.