Realistic New Year’s Resolutions That’ll Still Allow You To Maintain Your Piece-Of-Shit Lifestyle

New Year’s Resolutions That'll Still Allow You To Maintain Your Piece-Of-Shit Lifestyle

Quick poll: Raise your hands if you’re planning on bettering yourself (physically, mentally, fiscally, sexually, etc.) come 2017. Put your hands down. I can’t see you and you look ridiculous raising your hand in the office. Your boss probably thinks you want to ask if you can go to the bathroom, and he or she already regrets hiring you.

The point is, if you think you’re going to be a better person who gets up early, works out, and saves money just because you make it your “new year’s resolution,” you’re going to be in for a rough awakening. Instead of burning out on all your lofty goals by mid-February, why don’t you set the bar lower this year with one of these more realistic resolutions.

Standard resolution: I’m going to start running, sign up for a marathon, and have an eight pack by spring.
Realistic resolution: I’m going to make a strong effort to walk the four blocks from my house to the bar instead of taking an Uber. Unless it’s too cold. Or I’m tired. Or I’m late because I laid on my bed in my towel listening to the Chainsmokers on repeat because “Closer” will still be a banger in 2017.

Standard resolution: I’m going to cut my drinking down to one day a week, and drink no more than six drinks in a night.
Realistic resolution: I’m going to cut my drinking down to one day a week, unless there’s an important event I have to go out for, like a birthday or work happy hour. Obviously I’ll still have a few drinks while watching football on Saturdays and Sundays. And hockey and basketball games, of course. It’s not like I can skip brunch either. Bottomless mimosas count as one drink, right?

Standard resolution: I’m going to save 20% of every paycheck, cut back on unnecessary expenses, and start paying more than the minimum on my student loans. Debt free life, here I come!
Realistic resolution: I will stop paying nine-dollar delivery fees on food that I could easily walk to when I’m too hungover to put on pants. I will also make a strong attempt to spend less than I’m making so my credit card balance goes down for once.

Standard resolution: I’m going to stop sleeping around and actually make an attempt to meet girls of some substance. I’m only going to date people that I connect with and hopefully meet someone I can have a relationship with.
Realistic resolution: This resolution is going to go out of the window as soon as I get drunk or go on a dry streak of over three weeks; which ever comes first. I will continue to take home girls whose names I can’t remember and the only connection we’ll have will last about six and a half minutes.

Standard resolution: This is the year where I finally get my dream job. I’m going to update my resume, buckle down on LinkedIn, and get a job that I’m excited to go to every day.
Realistic resolution: I’m never going to leave this cubicle. I’ll fire off a few half-assed feeler emails, interview for what turns out to be a pyramid scheme, and then settle into my life of mediocrity. At least at my current position I can coast by 90% of the time, and if we’re really being honest, isn’t that what makes a dream job?

Standard resolution: New year, new me! 2017 is going to be all about me improving myself. I’m going to start taking art classes, yoga classes, and cooking classes. Mrs. Mulaney told me I “Had great potential” in my 9th grade art class; with some practice, I’m sure I’ll be painting pieces all my friends want to hang up on their walls. Hell, if I get good enough, maybe I can sell some of my paintings for some money on the side.
Realistic resolution: I forgot the other half of Mrs. Mulaney’s quote was “…if you’d ever sit still and focus for five minutes.” I probably forgot that because I got distracted, because I’m ADD as fuck. Also, I forgot I actually hate painting, and I’m going to give up on this hobby after 1.5 classes. Yoga will fair even worse, with me making it through one class, realizing it’s not just a bunch of stretching, and dragging my broken body home to lie on the couch and watch Netflix. I’ll just let the Groupon on my cooking class expire. The only chance of me regularly attending any classes is completely dependant on the talent of my female classmates/how long it takes before they all shut me down. Culture is overrated.

Standard resolution: I’m going to see the world this year! I want to travel, eat new cuisine, and make new friends. I’m going to absorb all the experiences this beautiful planet has to offer!
Realistic resolution: I resolve to make my life look more interesting on social media. I’m going to Instagram a picture of the clouds outside of my plane window with the caption “Too restless to stay in one place,” even though my flight is going to Topeka for a business trip. I’m going to start sharing a bunch of motivational quotes about trying new things while I sit in my regular booth, at my regular bar, surrounded by my regular friends. I may even buy a DSLR camera with hopes of making a travel blog, and then leave it to collect dust on my desk for the next 12 months.

If you want to feel accomplished in 2017, don’t set your bar too high. My 2016 resolution was to drink more booze and eat more carbs, and I knocked it out of the park. Cheers to the New Year.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email me if you want some bad advice:

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