Cooking honestly isn’t that hard. All you need is the will and attention span to spend 20 to 30 minutes chopping, dicing, and stirring, and the literacy level of a fourth grader to follow a recipe (or a recipe app). But after a long day and the apathy that comes with “cooking” for one, the odds of you actually using your kitchen for its intended purpose is slim to none. So, without further ado, I present some honest definitions of conventional kitchen appliances.
Wine Opener: Makes all the pain go away.
Frying Pan: Necessary for cooking omelets, bacon, and assorted breakfast items that complement mimosas.
Freezer: Even the Ice Queen needs somewhere to stash her frozen yogurt and emergency gin.
Bagel Cutter: Because every schmuck, brain surgeon, and Rhodes Scholar has hurt him or herself while cutting bagels.
Tupperware: The holiest of holies, they will live underneath the sink and breed like rabbits after every Chinese takeout order.
The George Foreman Grill: The only thing more sacred than Tupperware, it should be placed at the highest point of the kitchen, where all other appliances may view it and aspire to its prowess.
Strainer: Necessary for pasta or dinner for one when all you have is a frozen bag of peas and enough optimism to last you through the bottle.
Measuring Cups: Useful for measuring everything: potential, wealth, caliber, limitations, and heavy cream.
Coffee Maker: Only in use when the caffeine IV is malfunctioning.
Microwave: And the Lord said, let there be light and bagel bites.
Illegal Immigrants: Cleaning the bathroom and preparing a dinner party are nothing compared to jumping an electrical fence and swimming against the river.
Butcher Knife: If you really want to make a statement while gesturing wildly.
Oven: See my other book, entitled “Cooking With Sylvia Plath.”
Blender: The reason why there are still blueberries and papaya decoupaged to your ceiling. Also, margaritas.
Fish Forks: Because eating your flounder with anything else would make you a plebeian.
Funnel: To transfer the cheaper alcohol to the nicer decanters.
Decanter: See “funnel” and “winner.”
Pot: For when you just HAVE to boil water.