Reading This Poll About What Teens Consider To Be ‘Cool’ Will Make You Feel So Old

Reading This Poll About What Teens Consider To Be 'Cool' Will Make You Feel So Old

Business Insider talked to a group of 60 teenagers from “across the country, of various socioeconomic classes, grades, and ages.” All these little fuckers regularly used gaming consoles, tablets, and desktop computers, because apparently kids don’t play with footballs and baseball bats anymore.

The results not only made me glad that I grew up in the era that I did, but it also made me consider getting snipped so I don’t have to deal with any of these ungrateful rugrats for the rest of my life.

The results, via Business Insider, might make you think the same.

Teens get their first smartphone when they’re 11.

I was 15 when I got my first Nokia brick phone, and that was before people even knew how to send text messages. I’m 90% sure my parents gave it to me so they could call me up when I was passed curfew, but I didn’t even bring that thing to school so I never spent more than 30 minutes a day on it. But when asked how long these kids spent on their phones every day?

We got lots of “too many” and “I’m embarrassed to say” responses, but the numbers we were able to get suggested teens spend about six hours a day on their phones. (This is both in and out of school.)

I mean, I work for a fucking media company and don’t spend six hours on my phone a day. Do these twerps just sit around cyberbullying each other all the time on messaging apps that I’ve never heard of? Come on. But they didn’t even limit their time on devices to phones. They spent even more time in front of other screens too.

Besides owning smartphones, most teens we talked to spent time in front of television sets and gaming consoles (PlayStation 4 and Wii were popular answers) as well. Some also used desktop computers.

On average, they said they spent 11 hours in front of screens every day — answers ranged from two hours to 18 hours, which sounds as if it would be literally every waking moment (and maybe it is).

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — my kid will not get a gaming console until he can throw a football further than 50 yards. He’s going to have to get outside and get his hands dirty before I let him sit in front of a TV for 11 hours a day. Did I play too much NFL Blitz and FIFA ’99 as a kid? Yeah, but I regret that now.

They also shed some light on their favorite apps, none of which surprised me.

The most popular by a landslide: Snapchat.

It’s no surprise that teenagers love Snapchat. Here’s what they had to say about it:

“It’s how I communicate with most of my friends and it’s fun.” — 15-year-old

“Snapchat because it’s pretty much just texting, but with pictures of my beautiful face ” — 16-year-old

“Snapchat, because it is fun to send your friends what you’re doing, and where you are in a fast and easy way. I also like being able to make stories, for all of my friends to see, and I also enjoy seeing stories of my friends on it and see what they’re up to.” — 17-year-old

“It’s pretty much just texting but with pictures of my beautiful face” is everything that’s wrong with kids today.

They also used Spotify the most for music, which makes sense outside of the fact that they don’t have any Taylor Swift or Bob Seger, both of which kids need to get an appreciation for at an early age. And surprisingly, they also had some rave reviews about Instagram and Twitter, both of which were noted because these adolescents just wanted a place to share their shit without being annoying (ie. if they just texted all their friends everything they wanted to share, something I thought they’d be doing anyway).

But what they didn’t like? Facebook.

The teens we talked to said they and their friends were still using Facebook — but it wasn’t their favorite app. Here’s why:

“I use Facebook, but I feel like I can’t be myself on it because my parents and my friends’ parents are my Facebook friends.” — 16-year-old

“It’s mostly outdated.” — 14-year-old

“Facebook is good for group events and things but it’s definitely not my favorite app.” — 15-year-old

I laughed out loud at this, purely because everyone’s parents and their friends have taken over Facebook and made it impossible to have fun. Much like a high school dance when I was afraid to grind to “Can I Get A…” because all the teachers were watching. Still did though.

On the flip side? They do use Facebook Messenger.

The most common form of messaging among teenagers in our survey was iMessage or SMS messaging (100% of the teens we talked to used one or both of those). But Facebook Messenger was mentioned almost as frequently — 80% of teenagers we spoke with said they used Facebook Messenger as a primary or secondary form of communicating with friends. Less popular were WhatsApp, Kik, and Snapchat text.

When they asked which apps were just blatantly lame?

Google+. “I don’t even really know a time where Google+ was a thing.” — 16-year-old

Whisper. “People just don’t use it anymore.” — 17-year-old

Vine. “I watch Vine videos, but me and my friends don’t have accounts or make our own videos, same with YouTube.” — 16-year-old

First, I didn’t even know Google+ had its own app which is a problem in itself. Secondly, never even heard of whisper. And finally, I’m not going to trash Vine because your boy has over a milli loops on that, which is huge.

They also quizzed the kids about something called a “finsta” which I guess is just a term some 45-year-old made up for a “fake” Instagram account? The kids seemed just as confused as I was.

For the uneducated, a finsta is a portmanteau of the words “fake” and “Instagram.” You use it for posting embarrassing or less aesthetically pleasing pictures you wouldn’t want to share with all of your friends.

Eighty percent of the teens we talked to had no idea what a finsta was, and 92% said they didn’t have one.

I can see them asking those kids about it now. “This is totally a thing, we have to ask them,” the 45-year-old woman said only to get shot down by a bunch of teens with dried pizza sauce on their mouths.

Unsurprisingly, iPhones were the most used devices among everyone.

Overwhelmingly, three phones are most popular with the teenagers we talked to: the iPhone 5S, the iPhone 6, and the Samsung Galaxy S5.

Eighty percent of the teenagers we talked to had one of these three phones.

This is a no-brainer, because there’s no way you could survive high school if you’re sitting there firing out green text messages to your friends. That’s a recipe for disaster.

But it turns out all these kids rock streaming television, specifically Netflix which was the overwhelming favorite.

“My family has cable and Netflix and Hulu, but for me all I watch is Netflix. I know my parents will watch the news and sometimes a show on cable, but they also mostly use Netflix or Hulu to watch shows and movies. I use Netflix more then Hulu because there aren’t commercials on Netflix. I only use Hulu when I miss an episode of a show because it will be on there fast.” — 17-year-old

“Netflix is life.” — 16-year-old

And when they were asked about the best apps that us old fogies had never heard of? They said After School,, Color Therapy, Wishbone, Neko Atsume, and Color Switch, none of which I plan on even trying to discover or figure out. I use about three apps on my phone that I just have in a heavy rotation, so learning something called “Neko Atsume” is at the bottom of my to-do list next to cleaning out the produce drawer in my fridge. It turns out they’re using those when they’re not texting and browsing Buzzfeed, which was the overwhelming winner for most popular site. They did roast Buzzfeed a little bit though.

But as far as slang goes, “Anything is very uncool as soon as BuzzFeed gets it.”

But Buzzfeed is usually saying these things around the same time as I am, so I can’t act all high and mighty. #netflixandchill

The slang that is cool though?

“I use YASSSSSSSS a lot when I get really excited and don’t really realize it. I also like slay, even though I know that’s kind of stupid.”

“Regularly use: hype (as in ‘I’m so hype for this’), mad, dope, low key/high key, lit. Uncool: on fleek, bae, fire, etc.”

“Goals. You might look at a beautiful celebrity or your favorite couple and say they are goals.”

“Me and my friends use Gucci and squad and #goals a lot but in a joking manner. The ones that are uncool are on fleek and holla @ me.”

“I regularly say v instead of very (ex: ‘She’s v aesthetic’) and ‘it’s lit.'”

“‘Throw shade/spill tea’ — talk negatively about someone or gossip. ‘Read’ — make a judgment.”

“I normally use flames or lit to sound cool. We need to stop saying bae and on fleek.”

I don’t mean to throw shade at these v fire kids, but it’s pretty lit that we both use “hype” when we slay.

But then Business Insider asked them some random questions to get a little more familiar with the teenage psyche. The first of which was what they thought about the Kardashians.

“I don’t really pay attention to them because there’s always something negative going on with them. Except for Kendall — she stays out of it and I like her for that, even though she’s not a Kardashian.”

“I dislike how prominent they are.”

“I dislike the Kardashians. They are currently taking over our generation.”

“I think they are a bunch of spoiled rich people who are cocky and don’t deserve much, but they are face and body goals.”

“I don’t know much about them, but I feel like society shames them for all of the wrong reasons.”

Okay, okay, maybe that generation isn’t completely fucked. Let’s give the 2016 Election a try.

Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont won by a landslide (55% of respondents said they’d vote for him).

Also popular: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz.

Buncha Bernie fans?! Huh, I would’ve thought Trump would take the cake.

And finally, they had all the kids take screenshots of their home screens on their iPhones, most of which had inboxes with over 1,000 messages on it. Can’t wait until they get to the workforce when those unread emails actually affect other people’s lives.

[via Business Insider]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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