Read These Miserable Stories From People’s Worst First Dates And Stay Single Forever

Read These Miserable Stories From People's Worst First Dates And Stay Single Forever

I’ve been dating for three years now, and if my girlfriend ever decided to break up with me or leave me for another man, I would probably stay single for the rest of my life.

Not because I want to be single, but because the agonizing process of meeting someone and falling in love is such an expensive burden I’d rather allocate those funds for something less miserable — like season tickets to the Carolina Panthers or one of Elon Musk’s $500,000 one-way tickets to Mars.

Maybe if there was some way around the awkwardness of the first date, I’d be inclined to date again. After reading some of these stories posted on Reddit about how awful and occasionally NSFW random people’s first dates were in the past, I just don’t think there is anyway I could put myself through that again.

From Reddit:

I went on a date with this guy. After dinner we went back to his apartment to hang out. I went to the bathroom and when I came back out he was masturbating on the couch. I made a beeline for the front door and never saw/spoke to him again.

He didn’t say anything either.

Not much you can do about that one.

He messaged me on OKC, wasn’t anywhere near my type but he seemed like a cool person. Talked a lot about his time in the air force but not in any weird, obsessive way. I agreed to go out with him after a few days. He picked me up from my house, mistake number one.

We didn’t make real plans beyond walking the pier at the beach, but he kept mentioning that he wished we could go have dinner but he left his wallet. I had a little cash on me, but not enough for dinner for two, and I didn’t really like how he kept angling for me to buy him food. And bumming cigs. While at the same time talking about how much money he saved from being in the air force, and bragging about his car.
So I’ve long decided I’m not feeling this guy. Takes an uncomfortably long time to convince him to take me home. He just kept hugging me from behind and telling me to look at how pretty the ocean was. I guess he was trying to be romantic, but it was so fucking awkward.

He finally drops me home, really aggressively leans in for a kiss with his mouth way too open, and finally leaves. I’m thinking I’ll talk with him the next day and let him know I’m not interested in going out again, since he really seemed to think we hit it off.

A couple hours later I get a call from a number I don’t know. It’s this guy’s coworker at Subway. He took my number from his phone so he could warn me about this guy and his lies about the air force. Because I just seemed like such a cool girl. Then he says, “So I know this is a really weird way to meet someone but I think you’re just really cool and maybe we could meet up sometime and chill?” Whaaaaaaaatttttttt the fuck. I just hung up and never talked to air force dude again.

Lying about the Air Force. Nice.

The guy was super baked and kept complimenting me on the cute wrinkles on my toes.

That’s actually sweet, in a super strange way.

For a while I had on my okcupid profile that I would accept any reasonably pitched invitation to a date. This led to many bad dates.

A notably bad one: guy invites me to a party. I ask a few questions but he’s kinda vague. Tells me to dress nice. It ends up being a religious family holiday. He told his family I was his girlfriend.

I went with it.

I’d refuse to online date because of stories like this.

..I met a girl in small bookstore, we seemed to hit it off so I asked her out. She took me to a nearby ATM to get some cash for dinner and she and her partner tries to rob me. They had been having some success with the setup over the summer, so the SFPD was watching ATMs in the area and arrested them both.
I spent the night at the police station being interviewed and writing my statement; No dinner, no first date sex, and the shop sold the book I wanted.

When it rains, it pours.

The girl didn’t know it was a date.


Oh man. Freshman in high school. First date ever, we went to a movie. My first warning sign was that he smelled like BO when he put his arm around me. He was just awkward and strange in general but we didn’t interact much because of the movie. His dad picked us up from the theater. The dude knew that the child window locks in the car were engaged, and purposefully farted to “test me”(???). I remember violently gagging, his dad unlocking the locks, and never talking to that guy again after that evening.

Looks like you dodged a bullet there, my friend.

Went out with this guy who seemed totally normal at first. We went to dinner and then he suggested going to play pool. Ok, sure. So he’s driving us to this dive bar he likes that has pool tables and casually mentions “you’re so cute, I could just kidnap you and keep you forever!” I was young and stupid and thought, he’s totally joking! We played pool at this crappy place and then he goes to drive me home and mentions again, how much he’d like to kidnap me, going into details on how he’d do it. Luckily he took me home and I didn’t talk to him ever again so no kidnapping occurred.

Oh he also mentioned a few times how he loved my Jewish name and how his parents would love it if he “finally brought home a Jew.” I was not Jewish. I told him that more than once. It was a really terrible date.

Just be happy you didn’t end up duct taped in the back of his car.

Met a guy online and thought he was cool, so met up with him for a coffee. I kissed him on the cheek to say hello, which he took as an opportunity to stick his tongue down my throat and go for a boob grab. I pulled back, and he yelled at me “IS IT BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING RETARD?” in front of a packed cafe. He had a hearing aid.

I left pretty quickly after that.

Smart play on his part, imo.

Sitting at a Burger King eating dinner, when this really cute girl at the next table turns around and asks me a question about some kind of trivial. Can’t remember what it was, but I happened to know the answer; she turns back to the guy she was with and starts giving him a hard time. He starts appealing to me for support, and from their conversation it becomes apparent to me that they are brother and sister rather than dating. Eventually they invite me to their table, she insists I sit next to her, and we chat for a good hour. Then he says he’s got to go run some errands, and she asks me if I could take her someplace. I can’t believe my luck.

The someplace she wanted me to take her was a Scientology recruitment meeting. I actually sat through the pitch in hopes that she’d be waiting for me when it was over. Instead, I was ushered into a room with a “closer” who was there to get me to sign up, and who told me that she was probably at home with her husband. I gave them some fake information, get out and drive home, never saw them again.

But you could have gotten your own planet.

I went on a date with a guy who seemed pretty confident and stable during the entire time together. We went to the movies and then he dropped me home. He ended the date by kissing me and telling me he loved me.

Normal first dates must not exist.

I once passed a kidney stone the morning before a first date I had scheduled. I showed up to the date half stoned on Vicodin the doctor prescribed me for the pain.

I must have been a pretty fun date, since she eventually married me.

Except this one.

A girl who I was friends with on Facebook messaged me out of the blue saying she saw me in public at a shopping mall. So, we start talking and decide to meet up at a bar for drinks. When I showed up she was already sitting at a booth with two men. We acknowledge each other from a distance and she texts me saying “save me”. A couple minutes goes by and she finally gets up and walks over to me as I’m standing at the bar.

We were having some decent conversation when about 30 minutes later another guy shows up and she introduces him by his name. He just sort of hung around and bought us drinks for the next hour as i stood there talking to my “date”. Turns out it was her boyfriend that was hanging out with us, she felt the need to tell me afterwards out of “guilt”.

“Save me.” Classic.

When I was in sixth grade I took this girl to the mall, and she had me take the blame for her shoplifting from Victoria’s Secret.

I started dating her again in junior year of high school, and she was amazing all around. A total freak in the sheets, with just the right amount of crazy in her personality. 10/10 would date again.

She sounds awesome, actually.

She attempted suicide after I dropped her off. She survived, but for I haven’t dated since.

So, I guess she didn’t have a good time?

It was High school. She asked me to meet her friends. I met her friends, she begun making out with her ex who was with her friends. I ended the date then

Should have kept it going and seen where it went.

Date read a book the entire time we were on the date. Had the gall to ask me why I wasn’t being so talkative.

Split the check and leave.

I was only 16 and it was my first “date” ever. He came to my house to watch movies. After watching a horror film, we got on the topic of ghosts and paranormal stuff. I told him how my great grandmother had passed away in my home, he proceeded to talk about how he was possessed once, then he went on to pretend that he was being possessed by my great grandmother. Just the thought of this still makes me cringe, badly.

I bet he thought he was killing it.

I went in for a kiss and she hugged me. Messed me up

That stings, man.

He brought his cousin, took me to see Jack and Jill, then kissed me behind a clothing rack in Urban Outfitters.

My kinda date right here.

I was a sophomore in high school. I had recently received my license. This was significant because I had been talking to this girl for a while and could finally pick her up and take her out on a date. When I went to knock on her door. Her two brothers both of whom were older than me and went to my high school (all boys prep school) answered the door completely bare ass naked. They invited me in and asked me to sit and watch TV on the couch with them. The five minutes it took for her to get ready were the longest most awkward five minutes of my life. Her brothers proceeded to ask me questions about whether or not I wanted to get naked with them. Why was I acting so weird and smiling.

Genius. Pure genius. They probably still tell that story.

To read more of this thread and the hilarious replies, click HERE.

[via Reddit]

Image via Shutterstock

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