My Instagram game is not strong. I admit that. I don’t have one of those accounts with thousands of followers that features me in perfectly put together outfits, leaning against a brick wall with one foot propped behind me, smiling whimsically off into the distance at something just off camera. No. My account is 90 percent photos of my dogs and 10 percent photos of alcohol. However, apparently there’s a reason why my Instagram game is so lame: I don’t have a husband.
It’s true. All of those women whose accounts you follow with gorgeous photos of them draped across an infinity pool ledge, running across a beach in a bandage bikini, and laughing in a cloud of falling autumn leaves while they model an infinity scarf have one thing in common: they all have husbands to help them take the perfect photo. The Washingtonian published this (unintentionally?) hilarious profile of the husbands behind the Instagram accounts of some of D.C.’s more famous lifestyle bloggers (none of which I’ve ever heard of) and it’s… something.
Some of these guys seem pretty self-aware and resigned to their fate, while others seem to take their duties as the iPhone cameraman responsible for making their wives’ lattes look gorgeous quite seriously. I kind of want to punch all of them in the face, but some more than others. Here’s a ranking of “The Real Instagram Husbands of DC” from least terrible (#4) to most terrible (#1).
4. James Pan
James on his photography skills: “I have no innate interest in photography. I am just a monkey with a finger. I do have a feel on what looks good but have primitive technical skills and little desire to improve.”
James gets it. James is pissed that his wife is making him follow her around 15 shots of the same damn photo and is probably pissed that she’s making him do this dumb article feature. His photo in the article shows him sulkily standing on a street, wearing a quarter zip, and holding his wife’s purse. He is here under duress and he probably doesn’t even have an Instagram account. James, we can grab a beer later and talk about what I’m sure is your pending divorce.
3. Braden Preston
Braden on his photography: “I don’t really consider myself a photographer, but I really enjoy taking pictures of Tammy.”
Braden on blogging: “I like being a part of something that she loves (her blog), and I’ll use any excuse to spend more time with her.”
Okay, this is actually kind of cute. I like that my man Braden loves his wife so much that he’s willing to let her drag him around the shitty cobblestone streets of Georgetown to take the same scenic townhouse photo 25 times to get the lighting right. However, if you look at his photo in the article, Braden seems a little too willing to let his wife dress him and pose him for “look how great my husband is” photos… Braden, thou dost not protesteth enough, methinks? Either way, ladies, get you a Braden.
2. Shawn Garman
Shawn’s thoughts on blogging: “As a small business owner, it’s really cool to see bloggers supporting local businesses. I know a lot of people are in it for the commissions, which is fine, but there’s something awesome about supporting local and helping those businesses grow through organically sharing about them.”
At first read, Shawn doesn’t seem to be jumping for joy at his camera assignment, but a closer look at his photo makes him seem pretty into it. His look includes a robust beard and a beanie, which are definitely not typical DC aesthetic and scream “try hard DC hipster.” I suspect Shawn may be very passionate about fair trade and possibly a vegan. Also, his wife refers to Instagram as “the ‘gram” throughout the interview, so I imagine they are both kind of terrible.
1. James Faeh
James on his photography: “I’ve learned the 10,000-hour rule certainly applies to photography. We shoot almost exclusively outside in a busy city where you are constantly fighting minute to minute changes in lighting, dodging pedestrians and cars, and dealing with large temperature swings. You have to be able to know how to quickly get what you need before the timing window closes each day. And our images are light-years better in quality than when we started primarily because we’ve done this so many times already.”
Wow, James. Wow. You’ve given me so much to work with here. First of all I feel it’s important to note that James is a regulation hottie, because that much self-righteousness about a fucking Instagram photo can only come from someone with sky high self-confidence. I really want to know what James does for a living, because he has somehow managed to make taking photos on an iPhone sound like brain surgery. If he’s not a hype man, he should be.
I feel like James is that guy from high school that never did anything with his life but tries to make his job as a mattress salesman sound really intense: “Yeah, you know, you gotta know your materials, your spring to surface ratio, your firmness quotient. People could really have chronic lower back pain if you don’t sell them the right mattress. It’s actually pretty complicated.”
Okay, James. Whatever you say, buddy.
Ladies, now you know the secret to racking up the Instagram followers. Time to start swiping. .
[via The Washingtonian]
Image via YouTube