Ranking The Best Frozen Pizzas On The Market

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Frozen pizza is a necessary evil for anyone in their 20s. It’s an item you throw into your cart on your bi-weekly grocery store trip because there is always one night during the work week where you don’t feel like cooking anything. Frozen pizza, for me at least, is a Tuesday or Wednesday night meal. It is quintessential middle of the week food. Don’t know why, it just is.

Waiting for the oven to preheat is really all you have to do to enjoy an extremely mediocre pizza with or without frozen vegetables and assorted meats. Save that piece of cardboard that is probably freezer burnt to the bottom of the pie, too. You’re going to need it to slide that piping hot pie off of the center rack.

Do couples eat frozen pizza? I feel like frozens are quintessential single guy/girl food. I don’t know why, I just can’t see a couple with a shared apartment getting home from work and tossing a bootleg Cali Pizza Kitchen pie in the oven for 15 to 17 minutes.

Here are my top five frozen pizzas. Just know that I’m an avid frozen pizza buyer. I’ve had them all and I know what the hell I’m talking about.

5. Red Baron

Red Baron is the pizza you buy if all the grocery store has left on its shelves is off-brand pies. There isn’t anything especially bad about Red Baron pizza, but it’s really tough to find anything great about it. Actually, now that I think about it, that is an accurate description of all frozen pizza. Not especially bad, but very difficult to discover one aspect that is great. When I have Red Baron, I’m usually anywhere from three to fifteen beers deep which makes it, at the very least, palatable.

4. DiGiorno

Did you think DiGiorno was going to get the top spot? People buy DiGiorno because they are brand whores. I haven’t had the stuffed crust one yet, but when I’m buying frozens, I usually keep it simple and just go sausage or pepperoni. Anything more than that on a frozen pizza and you’re asking for trouble. DiGiorno has a fantastic advertising department but that’s really all they’ve got. The crust on DiGiorno is reminiscent of chewy cardboard and that marinara sauce is, well, average as fuck. It doesn’t stack up to other pies because underneath all of that expensive advertising you’re left with empty promises in regards to ingredients.

3. California Pizza Kitchen

Look at you, you pretentious prick. If you’re regularly buying CPK frozen pizzas, you’re just putting on airs. They’re like eight or nine bucks and the only difference between this and Digiorno is that with CPK you can get a moderately tasty alfredo sauce option. Pretty sure all Digiorno does is classic pies with marinara. CPK pizzas are good, but the price point is what kills them in my rankings. I can’t just be buying CPK pizza all the time. Money doesn’t grow on trees at my apartment.

2. Jack’s

Here’s where the separation begins. I may just be getting nostalgic for college right now but when I was 20, 21 years old, Jack’s was still a go-to meal option. And I still do Jack’s pretty regularly. Three dollars and you get an entire pizza. What I like about Jack’s is that they don’t try to do too much like Digiorno does. They don’t have frilly commercials. They don’t have crazy options like stuffed crust and “herb marinated” toppings (spoiler alert: that’s just chemicals they spray onto their shit to make it a little bit more palatable). Just a thin-crust pizza with sausage, pepperoni, or bacon bits. That’s all you need. Jack’s is for the common man. Just…so solid.

1. Screamin’ Sicilian

This one may go over some peoples heads because I think it’s relatively new in the frozen pizza game. Screamin’ Sicilian frozen pizzas are gourmet. Like Jack’s, they have simple options. Cheese, Pepperoni, and Sausage. I probably couldn’t tell the difference between a Screamin’ Sicilian and Domino’s if you blindfolded me. By the way, if you don’t like Domino’s you’re just a liar. Sorry, I know we’re talking frozen pizza right now but everyone should like Domino’s. It’s good pizza, you’re just a snob.

Get the “Holy Pepperoni” Screamin’ Sicilian. It’s got a shitload of pepperoni’s on it and like I said, it’s a gourmet pie. No one should be above eating frozen pizza if they’re hungry and employed but not rolling in dough. Go get one this weekend and enjoy it on a Wednesday night after work. If you light a candle and drink a glass of cab sauv it almost feels like you’re eating at a restaurant and not at your coffee table in the living room.

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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