======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I recently started a new role, and with that new role came a new location and desk. A few floors higher in this Manhattan skyscraper now, I am unfortunately still unable to appreciate my view as my lowly associate cube is blocked by a director’s office to my right. At least we can still make uncomfortable eye contact when my gaze wanders towards what should be the Hudson River, though, right?
But regardless of my inability to find a respite from the drudgery that is the maddeningly endless collection of similar Excel tabs, I present you the best desk locations.
5. Open floor plan, right in front of your boss. Yikes. This is precisely what we don’t want. You know what the person who sits right in front of their boss is good for? Literally anything the boss ever wants them to do. Need to print 30 copies of whatever? You’re the guy. Boss needs help figuring out how to set up an Out of Office message? Looks like a job for the nearest person. Not only does this location force you to become a de facto assistant for your boss, it also keeps you on edge at all times. Want to check a meme, send a text, or even check the time? All your boss sees is you on your phone, wasting his time and money. And don’t even think about popping open ESPN for a quick article, because that colorful, time-wasting screen can be spotted a mile away.
4. Cubicle adjacent to your boss. For many of the same reasons as #5, this desk makes for a very stressful time. But there’s a weird wrinkle to the adjacent cubes, and that is the friendship factor. Bosses in offices are usually a bigger deal, more distant and properly managerial. A lower-ranking cubicle-having boss is just a slightly more important person than you, and she or he will more than likely have those regular-person conversations with you. If you’re lucky, you can turn it into a super chill, boss-friend situation that can allow you to get away with a lot. If not, though, you could be looking at either forced conversation with someone you desperately want to avoid, or a domineering presence looming over your shoulder at a moment’s notice. Be careful out there.
3. Shared floor with open seating. Alright, we have something to work with now. For as startup-y and trendy as they are, shared workspaces do offer something that is more valuable than the consistency of a desk, and that is the ability to escape. You’re not expected to be always available, nor are people supposed to know your whereabouts. Shared workspaces are created so that people can collaborate and create synergies—or some other workplace buzzword like that — so if you’re seen in a “think tank” with a “colleague” of yours having a “touchpoint,” no one’s going to bat an eye. They just don’t need to know that your “touchpoint” with your buddy is about his Bumble date that night and deciding whether or not catching a happy hour special would make him look cheap.
2. Personal Office. Now we’re talking. Now you have freedom. In an office, you can keep a fridge for your lunch, have a personal coffee machine, change your clothes as you head out to the gym. An office makes your place of work a home when you need it. Sure, you’re still tapping keys and pounding out presentations to people more important than you that don’t appreciate the effort you’ve put forth, but you’re doing it at your leisure and with your privacy. If a break is needed to make a personal call, get lost in the group chat or even shut your eyes for a moment, the office gives you that ability.
1. The Corner Office. I mean, duh. This office is so popular that it’s cliché; it’s the embodiment of success in the American Dream. It’s the tangible result of late hours and kissing up to superiors for an extended period of time at the same employer. In the corner office, one doesn’t worry about who might see them doing what. No, corner office employees do as they please, feet up on the desk, liquor cabinet in the corner, and the perch from which they can look out over their minions like the corporate tyrant they’ve become. And if minion-watching doesn’t suit their fancy as they sip the expensive bottle of scotch and reflect on their success, it typically comes with a 10/10 view of whatever major city they’re located in. Cheers to you, big shot. You finally made it. .