Ranking The Best Characters From ‘Scrubs’

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Last week there was a bit of hullabaloo on Twitter as to the merits of two of my favorite comedies, Scrubs and The Office. My not-that-piping-hot-take is that The Office is my favorite of the two because it’s one of those constant background shows that you can always have on and know you’re gonna get something funny. However, Scrubs takes the cake in terms of gut-busting moments of laughter.

We’ve already had a power ranking of The Office characters, but since Scrubs gets far less cult status and following, a proper ranking of the cast from Sacred Heart hasn’t gotten its fair due. So here are the rankings of all 22 characters that appeared in at least 10 episodes during its eight-season run (no, I am not including season nine, the official run of the show concluded with the episode titled “My Finale” and I will die on that hill).

22. Keith Dudemeister

Elliot Reid had a lot of meh boyfriends in between her flings with J.D., but there was none that I despised quite like Keith. You might question how a guy with an awesome last name like “Dudemeister” could be ranked so low, but guys this dude got whipped by Elliot of all people. She couldn’t even do that to J.D., a guy so unmanly he has uttered phrases like “the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?” and “what’s this show, is it new?” when talking about Sportscenter. Even he managed to maintain some level of masculinity and respect while dating Elliot.

21. Dr. Wen

The Chief of Surgery and Turk’s mentor, Dr. Wen was your classic utility player on the series. He’d show up to advance the plot along, maybe drop a quip or two, but rarely was he doing anything incredibly memorable. Not much to say except at least he wasn’t Keith.

20. Sean Kelly

Elliot’s first serious boyfriend of the series slash J.D.’s first nemesis of the series. He was a generally all-around decent guy other than having a bit of a weird relationship with the dolphin he was training. Points to him for tolerating Elliot’s crazy, then rebounding and ending up with Kim (clear upgrade in my opinion), however, he loses points because he lets Elliot string him along for far too long. I do thank him for being the subject of one of my five most used Scrubs quotes.

19. Lonnie

A redhead and he lets J.D. order him around all the time? Come on dude, be better than that. His only saving grace is being one of the few people to get to call J.D. a girl’s name (at Dr. Cox’s direction). Also, that mustache he was sporting at the finale was…unsettling to say the least.

18. Leonard

You know who’s cooler than the other side of the pillow? Leonard, that’s who. It’s like a pirate had a baby with a seventies disco dancer. Plus he managed to bang one of J.D.’s interns and did a crackerjack job as security.

17. Kim Briggs

Of all of J.D.’s exes, Kim was the one who we all knew was too good for him. However, it also kind of made sense why he ended up leaving her and had such trouble taking her back after she found out she was still having his baby. In another universe, where she didn’t lie and move away, those two could have ended up together. But lying to your baby daddy about whether you’re having the baby or not and shocking him right as you’re about to plotz? That’s not the move.

16. Lloyd Slawski

The guy loves speed metal, is a proponent of wearing shorts to work, and faked his own death to escape a gambling debt? Lloyd is only this low because he once got his penis stuck in a flashlight, which just makes me feel insecure unless it was like a pen-sized flashlight. Brah was definitely the coolest member of the Brain Trust.

15. Randall Winston

Tiny fists of fury. Randall bested the Janitor in a wrestling contest and then beat him out for Union President of the janitors. He knows better than to leave a cheery gig.

14. Danni Sullivan

Hey, you guys remember when Tara Reid was kind of a sex symbol? Man the 2000s were a weird time. Danni and J.D. were never going to work as a couple, but she was FAN-tastic at coming into his life whenever things were starting to look up and causing chaos. She and her sister, Jordan, represents the two types of girl crazy that all guys have had to deal with. Jordan’s the one who emotionally and mentally castrates you; Danni is the one who sets your bed on fire when you’re out of town. J.D. dodged a bullet here.

13. Doug Murphy

In every class, if you can’t spot the dope you have to worry it’s you. In J.D.’s intern class, no one was breaking a sweat. Doug was a constant disaster, and probably killed more patients than Jason Voorhees killed horny teenagers. Even as a pathologist, he is constantly losing or dismembering corpses due to his clumsiness. My God if a malpractice lawyer ever got five minutes alone with Doug, you’d see their pupils turn into dollar signs like it was a cartoon.

12. Ronald (aka Snoop Dogg Intern/Snoop Dogg Attending)

Where my hos at? They’re gonna love this. Snoop Dogg Intern is not only a spot-on nickname, but it might also be the greatest nickname ever.

12(a). Hooch

Okay, so Hooch only appeared in five episodes, so he doesn’t technically make the list. However, I have to include him because, well, Hooch is crazy. So if the list was 23 spots, he’d slot right here. Please don’t hurt me Chocolate Bear 2.

11.Carla Turk (nee Espinosa)

Carla is a tough chick man, she’s from the block. Early in the series, she serves as a foil to Dr. Cox, giving J.D. the instruction and care that he craves from Cox. But honestly, once she and Turk become a couple she reverts into a bit of a wet blanket, tamping down all of their crazy ideas. Having said that, she’s for sure the most responsible, sane, hell probably even the smartest of that group. That’s great for her, but not so great for her comedy.

10. Todd Quinlan (aka “The Todd”)

Can a man own the high-five? Because if so, Todd is damn sure going to try. At the least, he’s got a trademark on that high-five snap combo. He’s also great at making any situation sexual in some way, even when it’s very clear that no one else is in the mood. It’s on a Michael Scott “that’s what she said” level of compulsion. Todd’s never seen a shot he wasn’t going to shoot, and I respect the hell out of him for that. But he’s also a card-carrying member of the banana hammock club, and I firmly believe that is never the look for a man. Ever.

9. Elliot Reid

Ah Elliot Reid, the girl next door with serious intimacy issues and tons of repressed sexual feelings. Although a lot of her antics and tics seem too unbelievable for someone as intelligent and accomplished as her, the show does a great job of showing how psychologically damaging her adolescence was. In the end, she is the perfect match for J.D. She has the drive and practicality to keep him down to Earth, while he has the compassion and sensitivity to care for her emotional wounds. I just hope he finally gave in to her apple thief role-playing fantasy.

8. Ted “Teddy” Buckland

Teddy was the ultimate sad sack of the gang. He was the sucker, the sap, the perpetual punching bag of everyone in the hospital, especially Kelso. From his flop sweats, his miniature mental breakdowns, being outsmarted by children and animals, his perpetual baldness, and his incredible idiocy when it comes to the law, Ted always gave you something laugh-worthy when he was on the screen. But he is also the avenue to some of the show’s darker humor when it touches other’s disregard for his suicidal tendencies (Kelso knew he wouldn’t jump) or casually observing him throwing rocks at old people (“why should they get to be happy?”).

7. Jordan Sullivan (nee Cox)

As I mentioned above, Jordan is that other, darker kind of crazy. She starts off as Dr. Cox’s ex-wife and nemesis, but the two grow closer throughout the show, eventually having two kids and renewing their love by finally getting divorced. As sharp-tongued and wicked as she is clever and beautiful, Jordan is just like her sister in that she loves bringing chaos into Sacred Heart. And any woman who can “tame” Dr. Cox is a woman to be feared and respected.

6. John “J.D.” Dorian

The protagonist, and the main reason I’m able to excuse away so many of the wildly ridiculous events that take place on the show. Mr. Dorian is colorful, empathetic, and from the mouth of Dr. Cox a damn good doctor. While he may be overly girly at times to the point of comedy, no one can deny that J.D. has a good heart.

5. Nurse Laverne Roberts

Nurse Roberts was a gem on this show. I know it’s totally playing into the “loud, sassy, big black lady” stereotype, but my God it was hilarious. I mean every time she was in a scene she added something, whether physical comedy or a great one-liner. She also provided one of my other most used quotes, “this is better than my stories.” RIP Nurse Roberts, thanks for the laughs and for bringing a bit of needed faith and levity to Sacred Heart.

4. Dr. Kelso

What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? Bob Kelso, nice to meet ya. What Stanley Hudson is to work, Kelso is to office relationships. In an almost effortless fashion, Kelso manages to insult, antagonize, and piss off everyone at the hospital. Yet, despite the disdain everyone has for him, there is still a fair level of respect given to him, even by his nemesis Dr. Cox. In the later seasons, the show took great care to show that Bob-o wasn’t always a callous ass, but was molded by the Chief of Medicine job. His eventual heel turn from Dr. Cox’s adversary to a pseudo-mentor and friend was one of the more heartwarming storylines of the show, especially because they kept that playful, biting dislike for each other.

3. The Janitor (aka “Dr. Jan Itor”)

Ah, the Janitor. A failed actor who may have had a son and another family, either has a father or J.D. just met a man, who believes the moon is just the other side of the sun. God, there is nothing so incredibly hilarious and dumbfounding as watching this maniac and/or genius work at Sacred Heart. The man did everything short of waterboarding to psychologically torture J.D. for the slight of putting a penny in the door on his first day, and I respect that level of pettiness. Even when he became “normalized” in the later series, I love that they kept his utterly psychotic edge. He marries a woman named “Lady,” continues his taxidermy, and vanishes the day after J.D. quits. We never even find out the Janitor’s actual name, since he’s been lying to everyone about his identity for years. The only thing holding him back is his obsession with “blond doctor” aka Elliot. I just don’t get it, dude.

2. Chris Turk (aka “Turkleton,” “Turkledog”)

The man so fly that Fortnite copied his dance from the lipsyncing episode to use as their most iconic emote. Turk is not only as silly, carefree, and sensitive as J.D., he also has the manliness edge that Dorian can often lack. He’s as tough as anyone in the gym, but he’s not afraid to pick his best friend up and let him straddle him for an “eeeeeeeeeeagle.” Turk is a man who loves steak, brinner, sports, and Sanford & Sons. Anyone would be lucky to have Turk for a best friend, and Vanilla Bear was incredibly fortunate to find his Chocolate Bear. Theirs is the best friendship ever on television, I’ll die on that hill.

1. Dr. Percival Cox

In his honor, a list of things that Dr. Cox could care less about than being number one on my little list:

Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, ‘The O.C.’, the U.N., recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything – eve – everything that exists – past, present and future, in all, discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.

Look, Dr. Cox is a narrow miss of the best characters on a comedy ever (the conversation starts and ends with George Costanza), but he was re-he-he-he-he-heeeeeeeeally close. He has funny rants and incredibly witty insults, but he also has that incredible ability to switch gears on a dime, becoming heartfelt and dropping a truth on you that you might not want to hear, but you needed to hear. Cox is the father figure J.D. missed and craves, but because of his own emotional deficiencies, he’s not able to always be that guy. At the end of the day, though, all Dr. Cox cares about is taking care of his patients. And thinking up funny girls names to call J.D..

Images via Youtube

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Josh T.

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