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A few days ago, a Politico piece discussed the FBI raid on Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen and referenced anonymous Trump allies who were worried that Cohen would flip on the President. One quote regarding how loyal Cohen might be stuck out to me:
“Is he two years loyal? Is he 10 years loyal? Is he 15 years loyal?” the attorney added. “That’s the currency. It’s not measured in inches. It’s measured in years.”
Damn. Even in white collar rich dude prison, 15 years is loyal as fuck. Now, Trump is known for being a kind and compassionate human who constantly puts other’s needs above his own, so I’m sure Cohen is willing to throw his own life away for him. However, it got me thinking about how I might react in a similar situation.
I’m notoriously selfish; who would I actually take jail time for? The list sure as hell isn’t long, although there are some in this world who I’d bite the bullet for and get locked up to save their skin.
A few caveats, though. One, if I’m in the position to flip on someone in the first place, I’ve done some shady shit already so it’s not as though I haven’t earned the time. Two, probably talking white collar crimes here only. Tax evasion, insurance fraud, maybe even some colluding with a foreign power and light treason? I could be game for that.
Violent crimes or creepy shit, anyone, and I mean anyone, is on their own there. I’m not spending one day in the slammer to protect someone who committed murder or fucked a horse. All that being said, I’d live life as a (hopefully) less-raped Andy Dufresne.
Dak Prescott/Zeke Elliot – Six Months
While this offseason has been quite the letdown, the Cowboys still have two of their most important young stars still on their rookie contracts. We’ve still got a Super Bowl window! What kind of fan would I be if I didn’t keep the window open by refusing to fold on them. Six months ain’t shit for a Super Bowl.
Paul Bettany – One Year
You might be asking yourself “Who tf is Paul Bettany?” If you’re not asking that, you’re asking “Why English actor Paul Bettany?” I’ll tell you why.
Over a decade ago after A Knight’s Tale & Master and Commander, I bought all the Paul Bettany stock you could buy. Was so in on Paul Bettany — future star, Oscar winner, GOAT. Years later, aside from a faceless run as J.A.R.V.I.S. in the Iron Man movies and the albino in The Da Vinci Code I’ve been left holding all my useless Bettany stock waiting for him to hit the top of the pyramid.
This year he’s going to be the bad guy in the Han Solo origin story movie; this year is the year. I’m not letting my man go to the slammer just when he’s about to be hot as shit again. I’ll do a Christmas in the clink for Paul Bettany.
Justin Bieber – Two Years
A few years ago, this would be unthinkable. But, while an album of his after serving time would be so lit, both myself and the world can’t wait that long for a follow-up to the three song fire that was “What Do You Mean,” “Sorry,” and “Love Yourself.”
My Family/Friends/Girlfriend – Three Years
Obligatory family inclusion. I’d take this jail time as my duty of a son/brother/boyfriend/friend, but mainly just because I love being a whiner and making people feel bad. You think I’m doing shit around the house after three years in the slammer?
“Hey Kyle, could you help clean the dishes?”
“Oh sure, why not, not like I didn’t scrub a million fucking dishes while I was stuck at county the last three years.”
Spencer Hall – Five Years
Editor of EDSB.com, and SB Nation contributor & podcaster, Spencer Hall is a national treasure, and should be protected as such. He wrote both the Art Of The Masters Nap and this tweet:
I can’t stop thinking about Drake as an 18th century sailor at sea looking over the rail at a manatee in the water and telling her “you’re a real one girl”
— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) April 18, 2018
And this one:
Thomas: this edible ain’t shit
one hour later: pic.twitter.com/e99uXCIELd
— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) April 15, 2018
My Son – Ten Years
Now, Don Jr. might one day be sitting on a thin mattress in some jail-issued garb wondering how his father forsook him, but my son won’t. Yes, if both my son and I got into some white collar shit, I’d bite the bullet to keep him out of the joint. But, as any white collar criminal knows, you always have to look at the investment side of things.
Years down the road, that child could be the only thing standing between me and a creepy Florida nursing home. It’ll be a lot easier to convince my kid to let me physically and mentally decline on his living room couch if I constantly pepper him with stories about how bad the food in prison was.
Joe Mauer – Twenty Years
Twenty years is the least I could do for this man. I don’t care if he didn’t pay a single dime of the taxes on his $184M contract; your boy isn’t testifying to put him away. He gave me too much to do that. An MVP, multiple playoff runs, and the sweetest left-handed swing these eyes will ever see.
Joe suffered through double vision and bilateral leg weakness for me, I can’t try to avoid being stabbed by the Aryan Brotherhood for two decades for him? No, I’ll take the cuffs for him. Just slap another double to left field for me, Joe.
Carly Rae Jepsen – Thirty-Five To Life
Do I want to live in a world where I walk the streets freely, but never get a follow-up banger to “Cut To The Feeling” because Carly is locked up? Hell no, I don’t. I couldn’t live with myself.
Spending the rest of my life in prison sounds miserable, but not as miserable as spending the rest of my life never having a new Carly song hit Spotify. I don’t care if she caused an entire global financial crisis; as long as I can stop during the middle of my shift making license plates and ask “Hey officer, could you maybe turn up that new Carly Rae Jepsen song? That shit is so fire,” I’ll take the heat for the crime. .