Quit Spoiling TV Shows With The Internet

Breaking Bad (Season 4)

Living in this day and age has many perks. Okay, so we don’t have jetpacks or the ability to teleport to work yet, and I’ve had high hopes for anything that allows me to think of food, have it magically appear, and end world hunger. Although we don’t have such niceties as these, we do have iPhones. This is basically a close second. We have everything we’ve ever wanted in our literal grasp. I’ve looked up more news via my Twitter search bar than anything else in the last year, and I can order a sandwich and have it delivered to my exact location using GPS. I can use Shazam to finally figure out the name of that song that’s been stuck in my head for the last week and then use iTunes to download it so I can hear it whenever I want. I can stream the same Disney movies I watched as a kid in the palm of my hand. I can start my car, video chat with my best friend across the country, and publish this to the Internet for the entire world to see, and I can do it all right now.

There is something so gratifying about instant gratification. I didn’t have patience before Steve Jobs graced us with the iPhone, and I sure as shit don’t have any now. But, like all things wonderful and pure in this world, there’s usually a catch–and that catch is spoiling the newest episode of [fill in your favorite TV show here] before you get to watch it. Whenever I see something like this, I think to myself that I have to find time to plot your death, you disrespectful son of a bitch.

While living in a world where wanting and receiving instant access to anything our minds can fathom is great, there is at least one 30 to 60 minute span per week that instant access ruins the only good thing your shitty life has to offer.

Do you show no mercy for those who prefer to watch TV commerical-less via DVR? Do you not care that some of us have people in our lives who appreciate attention? What about those still slaving away at work under the watchful eye of a boss who went home hours ago? Do you believe they shouldn’t be able to watch the same episodes sans spoilers just as you did? Is nothing sacred anymore? And simply, did your mama not teach you any better?

This is what I would like to do right now. Let’s role play. Imagine you’re in the candy aisle as a child, throwing a bitch fit over a bag of Skittles. Your mom (that’s me, pretending to be my mom, who was tremendously scary during this ordeal each and every time) tells you to stop. You don’t stop and after three strikes, you’re out. So I get on your level, cradle the back of your head with my palm, lean in without looking into your undeserving eyes, and in my stern, mama-whisper voice, I say, “If you don’t stop right this instant, I will beat you in front of God and everyone here. Do you understand me?”

I’ll do it, too. Don’t make me turn this car around because you want to taint quality entertainment.

Can we all just agree to quit being assholes and order some Jimmy John’s so we can continue wielding the power of the Internet for good instead of evil, specifically on Sunday nights at 9 p.m. EST? Because that would be great.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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