Questions I Have Before My Bachelor Party

Questions I Have Before My Bachelor Party

Hey remember when I told y’all that I’m getting married? Well in case you don’t know, I’m getting married. And you know what that means? My bachelor party is coming up. I’m pumped. Not only is this my own personal bachelor party, this will also be the first bachelor party I have ever attended. The OG friend group, my closest college friends, the bride’s brother-in-law, and the bride’s little brother and I will all be headed to a lovely area called Bath County, VA, to a cabin on the Cowpasture River. Don’t even try to Google it, because there’s literally nothing there, not even a stoplight. With all of those factors involved, I have many questions leading up to the occasion.

What All Should I Bring?

I know what to pack and stuff, so I guess I’m curious about the…substances. Are the guys going to handle that? I feel like I should trust them to get everything in line, but then again they’re so unprepared for the actual wedding that I don’t know if I can trust them to do anything.

Are Any Of The Guys Going To Get Into It?

It’s never a good idea to get about a dozen guys in the same environment and fuel them up with alcohol. Personalities clash. I really hope nobody gets into an argument outside of the normal ones like Lebron versus MJ and who’s the greatest rapper of all time (obviously Jeezy or Andre 3K). I’m just trying to have a good time.

How Hard Am I Supposed To Go?

I ain’t as good as I once was, but I also do not doubt my abilities. I’m close to 300 pounds of pure Appalachian mountain man and I can do anything I put my mind to. Once I get going, well then it’s all about raising hell and praising Dale, baby. Should I hold back at all? Should I let her rip? I feel like as long as I don’t die, then I am good to go.

Is Someone Going To Die?

There are a lot of deadly factors at stake here: the group of guys, illicit substances, guns, a fast-moving river, and the fact that we will be in the absolute middle of nowhere Virginia. No one will have cell service, no one except for me and another guy will know where we are, the nearest hospital is a good hour away, and there is just a lot of potential risks here. With that being said, I’m all in. I love risk.

Should I Shave My Head Into A Mullet?

I feel like the bride will love that six weeks before the wedding. Everyone loves mullets.

What’s The Protocol For Losing Someone?

Losing a member of the squad is a common problem during a bachelor party. If we factor in the remote location, the Alleghany Mountains, and the lack of cell service, I feel like anyone could disappear.

What Stunts Am I Allowed To Pull?

I used to like to do stupid shit. In my age we “did it for the Vine” but now these kids are running each other over with golf carts just to get some retweets. By the way, RIP Vine. We may not have a golf cart, but we have ATVs that we could run each other over with. We can climb up trees and jump into the river. We can go back in the mountains and go fishing with dynamite. We can go noodling. (For those that don’t know, noodling is a type of fishing where you literally shove your entire arm into a catfish hole and pray that a catfish grabs onto you, then you pull it out. It could be a snapping turtle or a muskrat or something bad, but you basically just pray that it’s a catfish in there. Good luck.) We can try to hunt down Roscoe, the name given to the beaver that has been terrorizing our land. There’s also the dangerous combination of alcohol and guns. Fireworks? Oh yeah, we have the dynamite, I forgot. Basically, is it frowned upon to do stupid shit that a 19-year-old would do, or is that kind of the whole point of the bachelor party?

Is Someone Going To Die?

No, seriously, I’m actually starting to worry about this one.

Image via Shutterstock

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I'm just a cultured redneck that coaches hoops and loves Dale Earnhardt.

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