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Hey remember when I told y’all that I’m getting married? Well in case you don’t know, I’m getting married. And you know what that means? My bachelor party is coming up. I’m pumped. Not only is this my own personal bachelor party, this will also be the first bachelor party I have ever attended. The OG friend group, my closest college friends, the bride’s brother-in-law, and the bride’s little brother and I will all be headed to a lovely area called Bath County, VA, to a cabin on the Cowpasture River. Don’t even try to Google it, because there’s literally nothing there, not even a stoplight. With all of those factors involved, I have many questions leading up to the occasion.
What All Should I Bring?
I know what to pack and stuff, so I guess I’m curious about the…substances. Are the guys going to handle that? I feel like I should trust them to get everything in line, but then again they’re so unprepared for the actual wedding that I don’t know if I can trust them to do anything.
Are Any Of The Guys Going To Get Into It?
It’s never a good idea to get about a dozen guys in the same environment and fuel them up with alcohol. Personalities clash. I really hope nobody gets into an argument outside of the normal ones like Lebron versus MJ and who’s the greatest rapper of all time (obviously Jeezy or Andre 3K). I’m just trying to have a good time.
How Hard Am I Supposed To Go?
I ain’t as good as I once was, but I also do not doubt my abilities. I’m close to 300 pounds of pure Appalachian mountain man and I can do anything I put my mind to. Once I get going, well then it’s all about raising hell and praising Dale, baby. Should I hold back at all? Should I let her rip? I feel like as long as I don’t die, then I am good to go.
Is Someone Going To Die?
There are a lot of deadly factors at stake here: the group of guys, illicit substances, guns, a fast-moving river, and the fact that we will be in the absolute middle of nowhere Virginia. No one will have cell service, no one except for me and another guy will know where we are, the nearest hospital is a good hour away, and there is just a lot of potential risks here. With that being said, I’m all in. I love risk.
Should I Shave My Head Into A Mullet?
I feel like the bride will love that six weeks before the wedding. Everyone loves mullets.
What’s The Protocol For Losing Someone?
Losing a member of the squad is a common problem during a bachelor party. If we factor in the remote location, the Alleghany Mountains, and the lack of cell service, I feel like anyone could disappear.
What Stunts Am I Allowed To Pull?
I used to like to do stupid shit. In my age we “did it for the Vine” but now these kids are running each other over with golf carts just to get some retweets. By the way, RIP Vine. We may not have a golf cart, but we have ATVs that we could run each other over with. We can climb up trees and jump into the river. We can go back in the mountains and go fishing with dynamite. We can go noodling. (For those that don’t know, noodling is a type of fishing where you literally shove your entire arm into a catfish hole and pray that a catfish grabs onto you, then you pull it out. It could be a snapping turtle or a muskrat or something bad, but you basically just pray that it’s a catfish in there. Good luck.) We can try to hunt down Roscoe, the name given to the beaver that has been terrorizing our land. There’s also the dangerous combination of alcohol and guns. Fireworks? Oh yeah, we have the dynamite, I forgot. Basically, is it frowned upon to do stupid shit that a 19-year-old would do, or is that kind of the whole point of the bachelor party?
Is Someone Going To Die?
No, seriously, I’m actually starting to worry about this one..
Image via Shutterstock
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@delph_13
@gdelph13
gdelph
Hey man! Enjoy Bath county, good location for some redneck and outdoorsy shit. As a Virginian myself, I used to live over that way. As someone who recently had mine, my advice is to tell them exactly what you want. Going into it expecting them to have it all nailed down is dumb and you even allude to that fact. You shouldn’t plan it, but it is YOUR weekend. You want everyone to get fucked up and stupid, they’ll do it. You want to grill and drink a few brews and go hiking early in the morning, they’ll do it. It’s your last time having full autonomy, because when you’re married it’s a team game. So go be Kobe and hog the shit out of the ball and make sure you direct your troops. Have fun and can’t wait to see the follow up about the weekend. If there is a funeral, I’ll step in as a groomsman.
Western VA represent!
Although it sounds like you’ve got a good base, when we go to our cabin in Craig County for deer season, there is hunting, the usual card games and all you would imagine at a deer camp. However, the past few trips we have started having the Mountain Man Olympics. Who can throw a log the farthest? Who can get a rock to skip the most? Most fish caught. Most beers drank. Staying up the latest. River freeze out. You get the idea. I would imagine a bachelor party would be a good time to try that out especially in beautiful Bath County.
If all else fails, take a shower and go to the Homestead for a bar scene.
looked up tee times at the Homestead, looked at my wallet, started laughing, began weeping uncontrollably
You pay for what you get. And what you get is the number 1 course anyone can play in the Commonwealth. If there’s any way you can persuade your boys into covering the tab, I’d suggest that route. I will say if you do have to pay, it’s worth every penny.
Commonwealth PGP golf outing? You in Chipin?
If you shave your head into a mullet six weeks before the wedding, you will be the one to die (by the hand of your bride-to-be). That said, do it anyway for the ‘gram.
That’s ok though. The bride is a fine lady and will be able to replace Delph. Sad, but move on.
Are Any Of The Guys Going To Get Into It? I still love watching my friends that I’ve made at different points in life interact with each other. My high school, college, or new postgrad friends meeting each other is like watching a social experiment. Like will they like each other, or no?
It’s hilarious watching my friends from high school (extremely small beach town) interact with my friends from college (slightly bigger but still small college town) and my friends from where I live now (Charlotte NC, not a big city but not a small one). It’s like watching me at different points in my life interact with versions of myself at other points in my life.
Did high school friends not come visit you at school throughout the 4 years? Was at a bachelor party where some of the guys there were friends of the grooms college friend.
If any of the group does get into a fight, just gamble on it. That way it’ll be more entertaining
WORLDSTAR
Shaving my mullet off for graduation was one of the saddest moments of my life. It’s been 3 years and I still miss it every day.
Don’t bring anything you care about. For example, I dropped my favorite hat into a port a poty.
Everyone should be into if, if not they’re not a ride or die.
Go as hard as your body and mind will allow you, then go harder.
No one will die, but you will have a few close calls.
Dumb question. If a mullet is an option, it should be rocked.
Text to meet at a general location or my person favorite, drunken search party.
I would say pull whatever stunt(s) your friends encourage you to do, if you’re even able to stand on your own.
And yes, you all will die emotionally. But you will be born again into salvation and freedom and peace unknown to most.
Just came here to say you should rock the mullet.
The Jeezy reference got me hype. Your favorite rappers favorite trapper.
I gave ’em my heart, they lent me they ears
This is the best gangsta shit that you’ve heard in years
“House stupid dumb big, my rooms got rooms” shits hot.
If you need a hot track hit up Kill Jane by Big Boi feat Jeezy.
Or All There
What Would The Weapon Do? That is all you need to ask yourself.
Let ‘er rip