Questions From Someone Who’s Trying To Get Into Twitter

Questions From Someone Who's Trying To Get Into Twitter

I’m not sure if you know this, but I just recently got into this whole content creation thing. I mean, I’ve managed my fair share of job related social media accounts, but that mostly consisted of re-posting New York Times articles or pictures of socially conscious jacket manufactures. I’ve never been in the game that means anything. I’ve never been in the Content Game.

Sure, I have a personal Instagram account on which I push videos of me complaining about any myriad of valiantly earned hangovers, what it’s like to exclusively eat cans of tuna and hard boiled eggs for lunch, and bi-weekly monologues about life at 23. But that’s because I feel safe on Instagram; it’s a portal I know well. I got my first Instagram as a sophomore in high school and I have been recklessly posting since. In fact, I feel so comfortable on Instagram that I actually maintain a humble CallMeVictoria account as well. I’ve spent the past few months connecting with readers via my little Instagram, something that brings me much joy and visceral pleasure.

Until last week I was operating in my warm Instagram safe haven, just a girl entirely convinced that her social media contribution was sufficient. Totally naïve to my glaring inadequacies, I would have continued down this path as a sub-par part-time blogger until my boss, on his world renowned podcast of which I listen to weekly, called me out for my shortcomings as both a writer and person. He told the world what I was hoping they would overlook: I didn’t have a Twitter.

Twitter scares me. I find it to be difficult to navigate, and even as an aspiring writer, I was never certain my jokes would land on our President’s favorite social media platform. Generally, it’s a struggle for me to stay below a 1,500 word limit, so upon creating my CallMeVictoria social media accounts I strategically avoided Twitter. That is, until the offhanded remark by my boss that will stay with me until my dying day. “She doesn’t really do Twitter” was all he had to say.

Upon hearing his disapproving tone, I did what any kiss-ass narcissist would do – I activated an account. I’m on Twitter baby, and holy shit I’m confused. Below is a list of my most pressing questions on how the hell to use this app. We’ll start with the top 9, but trust me, there are more.

1. Are you allowed to re-tweet your own really funny tweet because it didn’t get enough action the first time around?

I’m not saying that the first tweet I ever tweeted was literal fire, but I’m not not saying that either. I was new to the game. I certainly didn’t have the massive audience of 150 people I have now. That being said, the little guy really didn’t get the love and attention he deserves, and frankly I’m afraid for his self-esteem. What’s the etiquette here? Can I re-tweet with the caption “Just FYI I’ve been spiting fuego since day 1” or is that in poor taste?

2. When you’re telling a two-parter (a fire two-part joke) do you reply to yourself or tweet again?

Do you know when you’re talking to yourself and you think of an insanely funny call and response type joke, only you’re the only one calling and responding? How do I write that so it makes sense? Twitter, I have realized, is basically just a conversation with oneself, so when I want to drop pt.2 of a joke, do I “reply” or do I just tweet again? Help.

3. What’s up with the no punctuation thing?

Is the no punctuation thing because Twitter is just a collective stream of consciousness or because I only follow people who are marginally illiterate? All I know is that by my second day on Twitter I was repping run-on sentences harder than Big Sean reps Detroit or PGP reps Wyatt Ingraham designs.

4. How do you see all the good tweets? By this I mean that I want to see all of the important tweets out there, but RN I’m only seeing people I follow. How do you broaden your exposure?

Do I just follow every single person whose tweets I want to consume? That doesn’t seem conducive to maintaining a highly exclusive internet personality. The Fat Jewish only follows 420 people, so how does he consume the swaths of content he will eventually steal?

5. How much tweeting is too much tweeting?

6 times a day? 25 times a day? I’m looking for the sweet spot between super relevant but never overzealous, the relatable but slightly untouchable vibe that people like, I don’t know, Elon Musk give off .

6. What is the point of re-tweeting something if you don’t quote tweet?

Isn’t the entire point of Twitter to have an opinion, even if it is literal trash?

7. If you make a spelling error should you delete and re-write?

Shouldn’t you be able to edit a post like on Instagram instead of just deleting? Or, is the expectation that you stand by your error like “Ya I fucking forgot how to spell lasagna…deal with it.”

8. Should I be choosy with my likes or be the Oprah of the little red hearts?

How much weight does the little red heart carry? Should it be haphazard, like giving a gift card on Christmas? Or thoughtful, like a monogrammed Fanny Pack?

9. Where does one acquire a meme?

I’ve never been in the meme game. I’ve once had a really successful vlog where I reviewed Trader Joe jellies, but memes – never touched them. My question is, when people tweet memes like “Me after Christmas dinner [insert fat kid crying meme]” is that something they copy and pasted from Tumblr? Or like saved to their camera from a group text? Is there some sort of meme bank that you can subscribe to monthly? I need answers.

I’ll admit I’m scared. The talent out there in the Content Game is fierce, specifically when it comes to the PGP writers and readers. To say I am intimidated would be the understatement of the year. It is my deepest desire to do you all proud. I’m like a nerdy little kid that just wants to hang out with the cool kids.

So, have patience with me friends. I can’t promise that I’m going to get any better at this whole Twitter thing, but I swear I won’t stop until I try.

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Life is messy, let's get dirty.

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