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John Duda, as many of you know, is a hater. I don’t mean this to be an insult, but merely an accurate portrayal of his brand. He has strong opinions on many basic (read: popular) products, shows, and fashion trends, and he voices these opinions often. However, as a lover of many basic things that have been slandered in his upsettingly well-written columns, I’ve decided to take a stand. Here are several things that I feel like Duda is going to hate on at some point, and I’d like to preemptively defend them from his reign of terror.
I was recently informed that there are people on this planet that don’t like Nutella. Frankly, I didn’t believe it at first, mainly because it’s simply unbelievable. Nutella is one of the greatest creations humanity has ever invented. Through some sort of alchemy and/or witchcraft, food scientists have created a delicious, creamy, chocolate spread out of fucking hazelnuts. Now, I’ve never had a hazelnut on its own before, but I seriously doubt they taste like fucking Nutella. It’s clearly a chocolate-flavored spread, created out of something slightly healthier (don’t quote me on that, I’ve done no research).
Now when I first heard that there were people (read: psychos) out there who don’t like this product, my immediate thought was that Duda was one of them. It just feels like something that’s right up his alley. It’s beloved by all most, it gets a lot of hype, and the backlash to not liking it would be incredible. That’s 3/3. I feel like he has to hate on it whether he like it or not, just to feed off the anger of readers. Before that happens, I’d like to preemptively make my claim that Nutella is the spread of the gods and I will hear no slander about it.
Plug-In Air Fresheners
It’s no secret that Johnny D loves himself a good scented candle. And I respect that. It smells good, it throws a warm glow on everything, and it makes you look and feel classier. I, myself, enjoy a good candle now and then. However, if you’re actually trying to make your house consistently smell good, nothing comes close to a good plug-in air freshener. Glade, Febreeze, it doesn’t matter. You need something that is constantly pumping out a nice fresh aroma into your apartment to counteract the fact that you forgot to take the trash out for the third day in a row.
As much as I respect the candle love, that’s just not going to cut it day in and day out. Sure, the argument can (and likely will) be made that they look trashy, but you know what’s trashier? The smell of trash. Plus, I don’t believe in candles during the summer months. Candles are for fall and winter when their flickering light provides a homey environment to counteract the cold outside. Summer candles just seem out of place. My house smells fantastic right now, despite both my roommate and I sitting around in our sweats working from home, and it’s all thanks to the “Linen and Sky” air freshener I’ve got plugged into the wall.
Throwback Basketball Jerseys
There’s no doubt in my mind John uses the roast hand on every person he sees wearing throwback basketball jerseys during the summer. And I get it. It’s a douche-y, bro-y, 21-year-old-on-spring-break look. Basically, everything he stands against. Unfortunately, that’s my look. I’m a douche-y, bro-y, I-wish-I-still-looked-like-a-21-year-old-on-spring-break kind of guy. So on behalf of all of us, I’d like to invite all the haters to suck it.
Yes, it’s incredibly basic. On any given summer day, I could throw a beer and hit a kid with the peaky blinders haircut rocking a throwback Pippen jersey. But it also says that that person is here to make the most out of summer. They’re not wearing dark wash, cuffed jeans with suede shoes. They’re not wearing a put-together outfit while sipping craft beers. They’re here to get drunk, make a fool of themselves, and have maximum mobility and airflow while they do so. I’d rather have fun than look put together, so I stand with the basic bros on this one. I don’t think anyone in the history of time has ever worn a basketball jersey with Birkenstocks, so I think it’s safe to say this isn’t Duda’s look.
I don’t know why, but Johnny D strikes me as a bidet guy. I have literally zero evidence to back up this claim, but it just fits, doesn’t it? I feel like toilet paper is too gauche for his hipster ass, and if he hasn’t already, at some point in the future he’s going to go all in on the bidet lifestyle. Now, that in itself isn’t a bad thing. I literally could not care less how anyone cleans their asshole, as long as they’re doing it well enough where I don’t have to smell it. I’ve done no research on which gives you the better clean because as far as I’m concerned, it’s negligible. When used properly, they both clean your ass. The only difference is that of preference.
However, my issue comes with the condescending nature of those who use bidets, specifically Americans who rebel against our tried and true toilet paper system to do so. No American that has ever used a bidet and liked it has ever quietly gone about installing one. No. They’ve made sure to tell everyone they know that they’re bidet-people now, and that if you’re still wiping your ass like a barbarian, you’re disgusting. Fuck that. I’ve been wiping my ass several times a day for my entire life, and not once have I smelled like poop or found skid marks in my underwear. I’m operating at 100% wiping efficiency. I don’t need to add extra technology into the mix. If you (the reader), or you (Duda), would like to switch to a water jet sprayed into your poophole due to a personal preference or perhaps chafing issue, I respect that. Just don’t hate on the backbone of this country, toilet paper.
Duda has made his stance on condoms abundantly clear, and I’m here to stand up for everyone who disagrees. Condoms are man’s best friend. They protect you from STDs, children, child support payments, having to take antibiotics, having to buy plan B, and having to awkwardly run through your house holding your junk to find a rag to help her clean herself off with. Also, and I’m not ashamed to admit it, they make you last longer. All in all, condom sex is exactly the same as regular sex. It feels just as good, it doesn’t interfere with sensation at all, and…
I’m sorry, I can’t keep this up. Fuck condoms. I hate to admit it, but Duda’s right about this one. Condoms are the worst, and I too have been very lax about my use. If we’re being one hundred, and I always try to be one hundred, I rarely ever used a condom during my single years. Look, stop scolding me. I know it’s a bad idea. I know it’s a miracle I escaped with zero STDs and children. It’s just that condoms suck and I was usually too drunk to remember that they existed. I hate to say it, but on this, I too am a hater. .