Power Ranking Your Bills

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Bills, man. Everyone is different when it comes to encountering bills, as some are on their own right out of high school, while others remain on the nipple for a little while longer. At some point, you’re going to encounter all of these bastards, so it’s time to take a look and decide which bills are just slight headaches, and which ones are the absolute worst. Needless to say, this is all personal preference — especially the front half of the rankings — but it’s a foregone conclusion that the back half is a nightmare for everyone.

1. Phone
Factoring in the likely cost, plus how much you use/love your damn phone, this takes the top spot among bills. This is like saying it’s your favorite STD, but in the grand scheme of bills, this one hurts the least.

2. Cable/Internet
I’m bundling them together for you, because likely some shitty provider with awful customer service already has. Again, this relates to your phone in that you use it all the time, it’s enjoyable, and it’s a necessity for entertainment. That being said, it was much more enjoyable when you lived at your parents’ house or when you were in college and you were enjoying your Netflix binges and ESPN on someone else’s dime.

3. Car Payment
Now it’s starting to get expensive. The pain your car payment causes you is judged by a few factors — mainly, how much it is and what the hell you’re paying for. If you have a pretty decent payment for a car you love, you aren’t feeling too bad when you make that payment every month. If you’re paying out the ass for a complete shitwagon, you have a monthly bout of screaming followed by deep crying when you fork over your car payment.

4. Home/Rent
This relates to car in the sense that it depends as much about what you’re paying for than the actual amount. Regardless, unless you have a hell of a deal, which means you’re either living in a shack or on someone’s couch, you’re paying out the ass for rent. Now, if you’ve really gotten your shit together and you’re paying on that starter home, congrats homeowner, good for you, you’re better than everyone your age. But while I’ve got you, don’t forget that your mortgage payments last a lot longer than that twelve-month lease, and you need to go flush out that family of possibly rabid raccoons in your attic because that’s not the landlord’s job anymore.

5. Electric/Water
I’ll put them together because they occupy the same sort of space in Monopoly and offer the same horrifying reality month after month: They’re a fucking wild card. While your other payments sting, when you’re opening that envelope, you know what’s coming. Opening your water or electric bill is like playing Russian Roulette with your wallet. Maybe you had a smart month and saved some money, but more than likely, your bill reveal each month is more unpleasant than the last. No matter how much you shorten up your showers and turn off the lights, it somehow goes up.

6. Insurance
Not only are you paying for all this previous shit every month, but you’re paying a ton to insure it, something you may never even need. While better safe than sorry, it still feels fucking terrible when you’re shelling out half your paycheck to Flo and then eating ramen noodle burritos in the home she’s insuring.

7. Student Loans
Student loans are the full-blown AIDS, the Jamarcus Russell, and the Big Bang Theory (TV show, not the actual theory) of bills. College was fun, but now you’re paying for every last dollar of fun. Interest Rate University owns your life now, and you will ask yourself every month, “Was that extra semester of debauchery worth it?” Don’t worry, it was. You’re just poor now because of it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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