I was pretty lucky having a decent internship at a high school in which everyone was actually pretty cool. But that insulated me from the reminder that 90% of people that you will work with are absolutely fucking terrible. Partially, it’s due to the fact that you can’t be your free-wheelin’ self at the office, talking about the good ole’ days going to parties at Phi Beta Natty Light, so you have to censor yourself. Eventually you conform, and that day is terrible.
But as of now, you are safe my friend. You are, whether you know it or not, the voice of reason in the office. In your own mind, that is. Don’t let that shit slip out when you are pretending to realize what Downtown Abbey is only to be corrected that it’s Downton Abbey. You are asking for trouble.
So, when you are playing the internal politics game of being at a job and hoping/dreading to make a career out of it, here’s a handy guide on the best things to call people behind their backs.
Disclaimer: Only use these behind people’s backs to confidants you trust. Moms, Dads, Friends, Girlfriends, Coworkers, NSA, etc.
“Bitch” doesn’t really fly in a world where we should be politically correct, but damn it, sometimes it just comes out because Tom never wants to do fucking anything on time. Bitch is a phrase that’s really better used on the sports field than office, so try to stay away from it unless someone is being one. For added emphasis and a cheap giggle, call them a Babyback Bitch. Always makes me laugh.
People won’t get offended when you casually call Mike an ass because it’s such a PG term. Even Mike won’t care because he probably hears it all the time. You can even say it in front of your boss or your parents when describing that guy. Also, if you get called an ass, it’s not the end of the world. You can edit yourself to be less of one. Ass is a utility insult to be deployed whenever. It has compound potential which we will discuss later.
“Dick” is a slight step-up from ass (Phil Robertson spontaneously self-combusts), but dick has a bit more of punch than ass. Dick can be synonymous with the power-hungry “lifer” who has been at the job for far too long and is ready to chew you up to get that promotion. A dick is just that — a dick. You can drop it casually in conversations. If your boss says it, you try hard to suppress a giggle (meaning its a good insult), and you don’t want to drop it around children if they are around.
“Creep” isn’t a dirty word, but it has an insult factor to it. There is guaranteed to be an office creep, the type that spends a little too much time at the copier looking around or spends too much time in the bathroom stall. But while creep is benign, think of the impact it has on a person when you call them that. That’s a TKO blow. You never want to be a creep.
Asshole shows that you are willing to mix things up. An ass is a tool but an asshole is someone to hate and loathe. An asshole is great because you can convince everyone that someone is an asshole because they are that bad.
As I’ve grown older, I have realized that this word has fallen out of favor and I don’t know why. You are talking about someone that is so toxic and awful that feces must be on their head. Shithead is so versatile, too. It could mean the useless guy that is on the verge of being fired, the guy who is perpetually late (YOU!), the guy with the Prius…it could be anything! It’s versatility with shit!
Motherfucker was cool at one point, but now it has almost become a term of endearment. It was a slam dunk #1 but now more people use the term to describe someone that’s cool. It’s a shame what happened to motherfucker and son of a bitch, because man, those were good blue-collar workin’ insults. I bet Brett Favre still slings those around, amongst other things.
3. One That You Make Up
Creativity is a plus, and you always feel great when a word you introduce (or popularize) starts to catch on amongst your group of friends. The guy who kisses up to the boss? Fuckstick. The guy who sits at his desk doing nothing all day except a mysterious spreadsheet? Ass-to-mouther. That dude who you just don’t like? SHEEPFUCKER. This is interactive and will make you popular.
Douchebag is the word millennials should be most proud of. It grew up with us, took on the establishment, and is now one of the all-time greats. All because of us, right? In fact, it’s hard to believe that douchebag is actually a thing now and not exclusively an insult. I saw an actual “douche” at a store once, and was floored. I told everyone around me like I was at the fucking Smithsonian.
My personal favorite, “fuckface” is just great. It’s the double f’s that really make it pleasurable to the lips. Try it sometime, because man, it just rolls off the teeth, onto the lower lip and into the air with the precision of a Clayton Kershaw curveball.