Power Ranking The Drunk Texts I Sent Last Weekend

Power Ranking The Drunk Texts I Sent Last Weekend

I’ve always thought of drunk texting as a work of art. Anything that makes you throw your hands in the air and say, “Seriously, how am I such a slut?” should be looked at with the scrutiny of critics because it’s pulling such a strong reaction from you.

Keeping all of this in mind, I tied one on too tight last weekend. I had my second wave of St. Patrick’s Day celebrations to go to, which made Saturday an awesome day/night and Sunday feel like hell. I had the pleasure of reading through my drunken regrets on the couch and decided to share them with you all in an organized, ranked format. Here we go.


Message: How good does Olive Garden sound right now?

Sent to: College group chat

Time: 11:43 p.m.

I don’t like Olive Garden. I don’t like their entrees, I don’t like the salad, I don’t like the soup. And yet for some reason, On Saturday night, I needed some fettuccini alfredo in my system ASAP. Unfortunately, I was at my regular bar at this point, and was stuck with the Chicago Tamale Guy. Which brings me to…


Message: Just got aggressively hit on by a dude. Had to call Hillary before shit got weird.

Sent to: College group chat

Time: 12:44 a.m.

This was a first for me. Or at least, the first that I know of. We bonded over a drink at the bar (like most people do) and started talking about how he currently lives in my old college town. And then he came out to me—which, like, whatever. Do your thing, man. And then he drops this bomb on me:

“Yeah, man. That took a lot of courage. I know you said you live around here, so how about a reward?”

I know now that what I should have done was tell him that I wasn’t into it and that I’m straight. At the time, though, my knee jerk reaction was to say, “Oh yeah sorry my girlfriend is calling,” and fake a call with my friend Hillary to get me out of there.


Message: Hey hope you’re well

Sent to: Lizzie

Time: 11:07 p.m.

At the risk of sounding dramatic, we don’t really talk much anymore. That bums me out. I know it’s a two way street, and I should be making more of an effort, but it’s not like we had a relationship or anything in the first place, you know? Either way, I just wanted to know how she was doing. I do hope she’s well. I should probably text her when I’m not on my 9th hour of drinking for the day.


Message: I totally have a crush on you

Sent to: Quinn Truflais

Time: 11:38 p.m.

So, I flirt with Quinn from time to time. She doesn’t really flirt back, which is fine, I get it. Dating is a game at this point and I know she’s just biding her time. But, yeah. Not really an explanation for this one. Mostly just taken aback by the fact that I put that in text message form and sent it off all willy-nilly without even consulting my friends. Also it makes me seem like a child, which is one of the reasons she shot me down. Sup, girl?


Message: Sup? (sent with confetti effects)

Sent to:The Real World” girl

Time: 3:14 p.m.

Inspired by this tweet:

Yes, I was drunk at 3:14 in the afternoon. It was St. Patrick’s Day and I had just polished off a bottle of Jack Daniels (I’m allergic to Jameson). It was her birthday and I wanted to…help her celebrate. Confetti effects helped. I like to think she laughed. 10/10, would definitely recommend adding some razzle dazzle to your booty calls, now that we have that technology.

Cheers, friends. Wave 3 is next weekend.

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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