Postgrad Mating Season



In today’s Animal Planet special, we take you to the wondrous and curious world of the infamous postgrad. The air is crisp and the skies are clear as the postgrad mating season begins. Male postgrads can operate as solitary hunters, but they most commonly hunt in packs, prowling from watering hole to watering hole during happy hour, between the hours of 5 and 6 in the evening, in search of the elusive female postgrad. Notice how the male postgrads have not yet changed out of their button down shirts and slacks, but have removed their ties, a sign to their female prey that they are employed. This daily habit marks the male postgrad’s primal need to decompress after a long day staring at a computer screen, pretending to be busy.

Enter the female postgrad.

Female postgrads often travel in packs as well, providing a solid defense against predators. Notice how the attractive females hide behind the large, ogre-like females to avoid attracting the attention of the predators that circle the group, looking for any opening to move in for the kill. After a long day at the office rejecting the advances of predatory older males, the females simply want to drink copious amounts of wine and decompress.

Observe as a pack of male postgrads, led by the pack leader, approaches the watering hole at a safe distance from the pack of females as to not spook them and scare them off. The hunt must be well planned and executed if the males are to have any chance at all of surviving. Preparation for this hunt begins with each male taking a shot of whiskey followed by several beers. The pack leader chooses a male to approach the pack of females and test the waters. The ogre-like female blocks him out with her back. The hunt seems like a failure, but alas, the male pack leader has taken advantage of his comrade’s distraction and moved to the center of the pack of females, breaking the blockade and leaving the females vulnerable for the rest of the pack to approach and attempt to entice the females through gestures of dominance and stupid stories about college. Most will fail, but a charming few will succeed in this endeavor and gain the interest of the females. Notice how the females initially avoid eye contact as they hope the males do not notice they came to the watering hole straight from a long day at work. They are completely unaware that, at the moment, the males could not care less.

As the lesser males return to their drinks and look for another pack of females to approach, the males who survived the initial approach move in for the kill. The hunt appears to be successful initially, but the alpha-ogre female has other plans. As the males attempt to entice the females, the alpha-ogre female executes the “we have to work tomorrow” plan to convince the pack to refortify and escape the males. At first the concept seems implausible, but the cunning alpha-ogre female pairs it with the “I don’t feel good” technique to lure the females away. The males are not going down without a fight. The male pack leader approaches the most attractive of the females and requests her phone number to meet at a later date, knowing it’s better to delay the mating ritual than push the issue and completely fail. It’s a success.

The males did not win the day, but they survived the hunt, but that’s how it goes on the Animal Planet.

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