Please Stop Facetiming Me

Please Stop Facetiming Me

It’s Saturday afternoon. A friend and I are sitting on the couch watching the game (it doesn’t matter what game, just pick a game). It’s most likely baseball or football, but if neither of those float your boat, pick another sport. It’s your mind and your fantasy so make it water polo for all I care. Jesus. We’re casually enjoying some sodas/Four Lokos and watching the athletes do their thing. Suddenly, a noise goes off, and at first I think it is my phone ringing, but when I look over the only glow I see is Apple telling me to update my phone. I decline. But the ring is still happening. And it’s not a normal iPhone ring. It’s different. I look over to my buddy who is holding his phone upward towards his face. He slides the bar over, and it begins. A FaceTime call.

I sit across from him in disbelief at his willingness to participate in this aggressive advancement in communication technology. I give him the benefit of the doubt as he begins. Maybe it’s a mutual friend and he’ll keep it short. “SUP BRO!” Holy fuck that was loud as shit. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Sweet god that was even louder. The person on the other end responds “NOTHING MAN JUS—–,” the video has seemingly cut out. “–ASTED LAST NIGHT, WHAT YOU UP TO?”

My friend responds to the chopped up greeting “NOTHING JUST AT MY BUDDY FRANK’S YOU DON’T KNOW HIM.” Why is everything so loud? Is it possible to have a quiet or even normal volumed FaceTime convo? And sweet fuck is he really having a full blown FaceTime session with someone I don’t know in the middle of watching this game? He turns the screen towards me, my buddy’s friend on the other end is staring at me with a look of DO SOMETHING ENTERTAINING, I stare aimlessly raise my hand to a half-assed wave and mutter out something like “What’s good?” I fucking hate FaceTime.

These are my thoughts when someone is FaceTiming near me. Call me grand-pa-pa, but I just don’t get why it is necessary to FaceTime as opposed to making a good ole’ fashioned phone call when you need to speak with someone. I mean personally I’d like to just be left alone entirely, so when someone decides it’s a good idea to give me the full visual representation of what they are doing, it better be worth it.

What do I mean by that? Exactly what I said. 99.98% of the FaceTime requests I receive are similar to the aforementioned conversation above. One of my idiot buddies jacked up driving in their car or sitting on their ass in their apartment/parent’s house. I don’t need to see your face to have this conversation, and I certainly don’t want my face on display. I already have to live with this rapidly-aging-used-catcher’s-mitt-resembling-mug that Jesus cursed me with, so the less time I have to look at it, the better. And dude you’re in your car. I’ve been in your mediocre 2012 Focus 80 billion times, and there is nothing to see. Speaking of seeing- you are driving. If you’re looking at my fit-for-radio face then you’re not looking at the fucking road. But at this point I kinda hope you hit a utility pole because at least I know I’ll never have to deal with another one of these ill-advised FaceTime attempts again.

If you’re going to make this ambitious leap from casual phone call to FaceTime extravaganza, you have to be meeting at least one of the following criteria, and honestly, you should be hitting at least two.

You got a new home/apartment, and whoever you are calling will not be able to see it for a while. Makes sense. Your buddy just moved to San Francisco and you probably won’t be able to check out his new bidet for a few months. Have at it.

You’re somewhere insane. You’re somewhere fucking crazy like Ireland, Amsterdam, Italy, Peru, a local strip club, Hong Kong, Fiji, you name it. Somewhere awesome and/or foreign and you want your friend to peep the scene- I get it.

Masturbation. You’re FaceTiming someone to masturbate because a.)You can’t get to them, or b.) Someone’s being a prude SOB and wants to warm up to the idea of sex via technology. There’s gonna be dongs and funbags-a-plenty. It’s 2016, let loose.

Long distance relationships/family bullshit. The long distance one is still kinda “eh” to me, but hey, someone’s gotta make sure their squeeze didn’t just step outside the club to have a cig-break and make a phone call. And I guess if you have a kid you kinda wanna see that little shit’s face.

General “you gotta see this” category. Your buddy is about to do a strike-out on acid. You’re shooting a firecracker out of your ass. You are picking out a new hand gun with 50 Cent. Wild shit you’d wanna see. This category is boundless.

Basically, I give the same advice I give people about Snapchat- if you’re going to do it, think before you hit send.

Image via Shutterstock

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Perpetually anxious and prematurely balding male who crumbles to peer pressure easier than a Nature Valley bar.

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