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If you’re a single guy or girl and you don’t have someone, you’re exempt from all of this trauma. Conversely, your worst fears will come to pass and you will die alone, so there’s that. It’s a tradeoff. However, if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you dread this day more than finals week, your performance review, and drug testing day combined: your significant other’s birthday.
Yes. The birthday. It’s a day of celebrating your significant other’s completion of another solar orbit. Congratulations, you went a whole year without dying! Woo hoo! For your significant other, it’s his or her biggest night out of the year. It’s his or her coming out party, a moment in the spotlight. In other words, it’s a celebration, bitches.
For you, though, it’s a never-ending trip through hell, depending on how long your girlfriend wishes to celebrate her birthday. Guys are simple: give him a weekend out, buy him a watch, get him drunk, at the end of the night, make sure he gets laid. Boom–you’re girlfriend of the year. Easy. But girls? Oh, dear God. Strap yourself in for the most mood-swinging, high-stress weekend (or more) of your young, supple life.
Think it’s easy? Fuck you, easy. Read this. Tell me if I’m wrong.
Constant Hint Dropping
Here’s the deal. If your girlfriend’s birthday was last week, she’s already planning next year’s birthday in her head. You’d better listen up if you know what’s good for you. If she mentions a bar that she likes, write it down in your phone. She sees something she likes at a store? Take a picture of it on your phone, because your dumb ass isn’t going to remember it. Take a picture of the tag, too. You can probably find it cheaper online.
Pretty much just listen to everything she says and plan ahead. Book a table. Reserve bottle service, if need be. Order the gift(s) weeks in advance. Make drunk brunch reservations for the next day. If you live together, clean your apartment. Start doing sit ups, get a haircut, and have your eyebrows waxed so you look good in pictures. Trust me, there will be many of them.
Most importantly, have a couple backup plans, because, well, you know what they say about the best laid plan of mice and men and shit out of luck boyfriends…
No Matter What You Plan, She Will Change It. Completely. Six Times.
Don’t be offended. In fact, this makes things MUCH easier on you. You picked the bar she mentioned. Good for you, A for effort. You’ve done your due diligence and you’ve showed you’re a good listener. As Christian Bale would say, “OHHH, GOOD FOR YOUUUU.”
But she’s not so sure about that bar now, because she wants to go somewhere she can DANCE. Dance, I say! Naturally, she has about three candidates for that, all ready to go, but one isn’t that accessible to the subway, one’s expensive (better break out Mom and Dad’s credit card that you’re not supposed to still have when she makes you buy the third round of drinks), and one of them they won’t let her reserve a table at, despite the fact she’s all but stalked the owner on every form of media, both social and traditional.
She’s going to go back and forth INCESSANTLY trying to decide which bar to go to. You’ll have about 50 Facebook notifications just from your girlfriend changing the place on her meticulously-designed Facebook event. She’ll ask you for advice and then ignore it, so just keep playing Mario Kart and learn to drown out the noise.
ProFlowers.com Is The Ripoff To End All Ripoffs
What does every girl want more than love, hummus, and a good D? Why, showing off her love to every person she knows, specifically at her office. The best (and only) way, as far as she’s concerned, is by sending flowers. Normally, you’d have to call up a florist and tell them what you want over the phone so they can bring your lady flowers OR you could go to her office and bring her the flowers yourself, completely disrupting everyone’s workday so they can “awwww.” Guess what? They’re going to do that anyway. You don’t want to be anywhere near that.
But lucky you. You’re living in the future! You can just order that stuff online–it’s fast, cheap, and easy, right? WRONG. DEAD FUCKING WRONG. I think I’d rather get punched in the dick over and over than deal with ProFlowers ever again.
I don’t know where ProFlowers gets off doing what it does, but my God, that company makes money hand over fist and its more “additional charge”-happy than Time Warner Cable. You followed an ad you saw on Facebook: “18 Red Roses with a Box of Chocolates for $25 with Offer Code ‘Stupid Douche!‘ ” But then it’s $10 extra for a vase. You want to add a little stuffed bear? That’s another $5. Why not, still cheap, right? Then you get to delivery, and I hope you ordered it two weeks in advance, because if you didn’t, it’ll fall under “Standard Delivery + $9.99” for no reason. If it’s anywhere near a holiday, God help you. If you don’t pay for the “Guaranteed Early Delivery,” an extra $5, they’ll get to her office at, like, 5 or 6 when there’s literally nobody there, so you’ve wasted your time. By the time you get through tax and delivery, you’re up to $65 or $75. Originally from $25. If you don’t order them, you’re pretty much fucked. Pony up, slappy.
This could be the biggest trap of them all.
Like I said earlier, if you don’t follow all the clues here, you’re dead. Also, just one gift really isn’t going to cut it. You have to cover all your bases here. It’s like “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.”
If you give your girlfriend concert tickets, she’ll want a cute outfit or nice jewelry to go with it. If you just go the jewelry route, she’ll criticize you for not being exciting and adventurous enough. She’ll probably want cookies or brownies or candy, too, and you’ll have to drop somewhere in the neighborhood of $75 to $100 on a nice dinner. She swears to God, if you forget to send those flowers, there will be hell to pay. She’s going to make it out of this birthday like a bandit.
If you screw ANY of this up, here’s the bottom line:
How Much You Do For Her Is DIRECTLY Proportional To How Much She Cares About Your Birthday
It’s sad, but true. Hey, we’re all guilty of it. We humans are pretty damn selfish. Don’t deny it. If you want something better than a tiny bottle of cologne for your birthday, and if you ever want to get laid ever again, stick to these tips, boyo. Don’t screw it up. You want to make it out of this alive, with your genitals intact.
And if my significant other, whose birthday is on Friday, is reading this, I hope you know I’m kidding and you’re completely not like this. Totally not. Riiiight. Well, anyway, happy birthday! This column is your present. …I’ll start packing my things. Please put down the frying pan.